The Worst of the Best of Cincinnati

Mar 17, 2009 at 10:17 am

In the long tradition of expressing discontent by writing "Mickey Mouse" on election ballots, Best of Cincinnati voters also felt compelled use the ballot as a forum to express opinions outside of the typical selections. The CityBeat staff spent hours cleaning spam, obscenities and other shenanigans out of the online ballot. —-

These faux write-ins fell in three categories. The first were the equivalent of a sharpie message in a public bathroom, like someone writing in "my panties" in the Best Place to Get Wet category. These vaguely clever, but often offensive, entries had their few hours in the sun before being noticed and deleted.

The second type of write-in were funny, but so incredibly stupid or profane that it had to be removed. An example of this was an entry for Best Instrument Store written simply as "Skin Flute Specialists." Knowing how much trouble it caused the last time that particular company attempted to advertise in CityBeat under the title of "Body Rub Specialist," we thought it best to remove the entry.

The third type were so poignant and brilliant that we left them in just to see how many votes they would get. Some nominated "The 'Power of 5' news on channel 5" for the Best Comedy Club, and 16 people agreed. Someone else decided that for Best Casino, they wanted to vote for "Cincinnati (vote yes)." It seems that the pro-casino folks have at least 26 people on their side.

Some people also apparently didn't really understand what we were attempting to do. One of these thoughtful people decided it was best to ask questions throughout the ballot. In the Best Blog and Best Spa and several other categories, the person simply wrote "who has time?" How about everyone else who is voting and now has to wade through your extra stupid write-in?

On to the Worst of the 'Best Of' - here are some of the write-ins that caught our attention:
Best Place to Buy Wedding Dress - Elope
Best Chef - the guy at Chipotle
Best Romantic Hideaway - my house
Local Hero - the white boy that works at El Mariachi in Herbron
Best Religious Leader - Touchdown Jesus
Best Place to Buy Sex Toys - Bill Cunningham
Best Place to Buy Sex Toys - Congress - they seem to be screwing America
Best Wedding Reception Hall - Wok Inn Express in St. Bernard (well it worked for us)
Best Alternative Health Provider - Local bar
Singles Bar - N/A, I'm SO married
Best Tapas - I am a savage I have never enjoyed Tapas, may my first experience be in Spain!
Best Tapas - What the fuck is Tapas!?
Best Weathercaster - They are all drama queens and Chicken Little SkyFalling Alarmist
Best Blog - Me. Stone age. Me no blog.
Best Spa - Happy Endings
Best Wedding Reception Hall - Probate Divorce Court
Wireless Phone Service - Tin cans and string
Karaoke - Stuff a Sock in your mouth Cafe

Stay tuned for the upcoming Best of Cincinnati issue on April 1. You will be shocked, thrilled and enlightened.