WEDNESDAY, DEC. 14
At this point in the final weeks of the life test that is 2016, everyone should hold their babies close (in the immortal words of the late Patsy Ramsey. RIP. Sorry, there are just so many JonBenét specials on lately.) because this year is not holding back in the icon-stealing department. In fact, it might be kicking it into overdrive in the final stretch. America’s dad (and, more literally, Robin Thicke’s dad) passed away early this week from a heart attack. He was 69 years old. Alan Thicke turned out to be one of the normos from his iconic ’80s TV series Growing Pains. Think about it: Dr. Seaver’s on-screen son/D.J. Tanner’s IRL bro Kirk Cameron went on to become the kind of actor who only signs on to “keep the Christ in Christmas” movies while TV daughter Tracey Gold became the poster child for not pushing your child into early stardom. And don’t get us started on the sad story of what happened to Growing Pains’ “Boner” — how did a show starring a born-again mega-Christian get away with naming a character Boner? But Alan really did seem like a nice dad in reality — his final moments were spent playing hockey with his youngest son Carter (which is the most Canadian way to go out). However he did produce an unfortunate offspring that grew up to be the annoying caucasian face behind the most problematic earworm of 2013, “Blurred Lines,” so.
THURSDAY, DEC. 15
New year (almost), new emojis. The latest iOs 10 update unveiled this week includes hundreds of new, expanded and redesigned hieroglyphics to replace the written word. iPhone users can now find crossed fingers, baby bumps and face-palm and drooling smilies, there are a ton more occupational emojis and gender/race customizations and nearly every type of cuisine is represented, from a croissant to pita to paella. But the best additions were truly plucked from the pop culture of 2016: There’s a clown, an avocado (the toast condiment of choice this year), a David Bowie-inspired glam rocker and, most significantly, a majestic gorilla that most definitely represents Harambe. He lives on! And just when Thane Maynard thought he was in the clear…
FRIDAY, DEC. 16
Democrats might have a majority of big-name celebrities on their side, but if this election taught us anything, it’s that being Katy Perry’s best friend is not enough to become president. Donald Trump doesn’t need the support of a gaggle of celebs — that is, of course, until he needs to fill his inauguration performance lineup. Trump’s inauguration committee (presumably the “PubLIZity” girls from Kroll Show) is reportedly offering to shell out big bucks to get A-list musicians to perform — something the Obama camp did not have to do to book the likes of Aretha Franklin and Beyoncé — and still the best names they can scrounge up are Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. Luckily, their artist fees are just a 24-pack of Milwaukee’s Best, a carton of Marlboro lights and a model in a rebel flag bikini.
SATURDAY, DEC. 17
This week’s fake news fuckery comes in the form of a grainy black and white surveillance-style video of CeeLo Green. In it, he appeared be talking on a cellphone in a studio when that phone proceeded to explode in his face, leaving many concerned about the musician’s safety and well-being. Green soon spoke out, apologizing for inducing panic with what was just a clip from a forthcoming music video he’ll be releasing under the name Gnarly Davidson. Ten years ago Green released “Crazy” under the name Gnarls Barkley. Now he’s Gnarly Davidson. What’s next for the apparent pun lover? Some ideas:
- Gnarly Quinn (CeeLo would totally rock sequinned hot pants)
- Gnarls Jr. (shout-out Secretary of Labor!)
- Gnarlie Hebdo (too soon?)
- Gnarlycorn’s (a family-friendly bar and grill)
- Chris Gnarley (comic of a generation)
SUNDAY, DEC. 18
Every 18 months or so Steve Burns from the old Nick Jr. show Blue’s Clues pops up in the news again, usually as a recycled BuzzFeed “Where are they now?” listicle. As terrible humans, our first reaction is “Oh no, Steve from Blue’s Clues died!” and then “Whew, he’s OK. But oh no, Steve from Blue’s Clues is trying to be relevant again!” And just as the seasons change, Steve has emerged from obscurity again (The show debuted 20 years ago) this week in an interview with Huffington Post that “finally confirms” why he left the show after seven years. Was it drugs? Booze? Is that Blue really an old perv in dog’s clothing? No — turns out Steve just started losing his hair and feeling old. Real cool, HuffPo. We clicked that link to see if the dude died, not read about him discovering his own mortality. Next!
MONDAY, DEC. 19
Trump’s tweet of the week had to be when he referred to China taking a Navy drone in international waters as “unpresidented.” He obviously meant unprecedented, but accidentally described what we all wish would become of him when the electoral college voted Monday. It didn’t happen. In fact, more tried to defect from Hillary Clinton than Trump. And while our nation’s electors might not have our backs, Merriam Webster totally did when it trolled Trump, tweeting, “The #WordOfTheDay is…not ‘unpresidented.’ We don’t enter that word. That’s a new one.” #DictionaryBurn
TUESDAY, DEC. 20
If you were wondering what else can we blame on Millennials, the Wall Street Journal has an answer: poor fabric softener sales. The article looked at possible demographic factors behind the drop and, you guessed it, it’s all Millennials’ fault. Apparently companies like Downy are now re-branding to target the age group. You’d think the snowflake generation would be especially keen on super-softness of their clothes. But apparently crippling debt overshadows the need for Snuggle Bear’s delicate touch.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Dec 21-28, 2016.
