I’m Sorry, Dr. Jackson (Ooh!) Is This For Real?
The White House last week released the results of Donald Trump’s recent physical. This is standard procedure for any president, but of course nothing can ever be normal with this administration, and the report did raise some eyebrows. Presidential physician Dr. Ronny Jackson found Trump to be in good mental and physical health, surprisingly releasing many details from the exam. Here are Trump’s deets:
Height: 6′ 3″
Weight: 239 pounds
Blood pressure: 122/74
Heart rate: 68 beats per minute
Cardiac exam: normal (no murmurs detected)
Eyes: 20/20 (corrected vision)
Teeth and gums: healthy, no dentures
Trump wanted to prove how big and beautiful his brain is (you know that’s how he described it), so he was given the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which can help detect mild cognitive impairment and Alzheimer’s disease. He scored 30/30, which means he has no excuse for his regular Twitter meltdowns and terrible decisions.
“In summary, the president’s overall health is excellent,” Jackson reported, adding that Trump would benefit from regular exercise and a diet lower in fats and carbs.
Let’s pump the breaks real quick. It definitely looked like Trump was in need of some Fixodent last month when he slurred his speech while recognizing Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. But Jackson says Trump does not have a pair of dentures trying to escape his mouth like a wind-up chattering teeth toy. He was just on Sudafed that day, which dried him out.
So let’s focus on what really matters: His weight. Now, there are plenty of examples of 6-foot-3, 239-pound athletes who look infinitely healthier than Trump, but you gotta remember that whole “muscle weighs more than fat” thing. But folks were quick to point out Trump’s reported height and weight gave him a BMI of 29.9. A normal BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9; 25 to 29.9 is considered overweight; 30 or more is obese. So while his McDiet is likely keeping Trump from being a svelte size, he’s still one pound away from being considered obese.
And this, my friends, has been dubbed the girther theory. Like when Trump himself could not accept the fact that Barack Obama (miss you, bb) was born in the U.S., many find it curious that Trump’s height seems to have increased while his weight is thisclose to being fat pig status (his words).
I personally will not rest until the president stands on one of those “Guess Your Weight” carnival scales on national television.
Kimye’s Baby Is Here, Has Dumb Name
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed a baby girl via surrogate Jan. 15, KK announced early last week. Initially there was no baby name reported, but when she posted a picture of a Louis Vuitton print, Kardashian konspirators everywhere koncocted theories about it being a clue to Baby No. 3’s name. Could it be Louis? Vuitton? Elvie (“LV”) or Elle? An “E”-name would complete the family kompass: North, E, S(aint), West. And when Kim(’s nannies) would karry her around, people could sing the “Gold Digger” line, “with a baby Louis Vuitton under her underarm.”
But no, they fucking named the kid Chicago. Chicago NoMiddleName West. Named after Kanye’s hometown, the couples’ youngest will go by the nickname Chi (“shy”). People have likened the name to a small Midwestern airport, an Illinois public school, a bootleg spinoff of the All That Jazz musical or an NBC medical/crime drama. Something tells me the kid gives zero fucks about peasants’ opinions of her name, as she spits up on a $200 Hermes burp kloth.
Skittles Have Been Tricking Your Brain
If you see a bowl of brightly colored fruity candy, you can pretty much guess the flavors before you even taste a piece: Red is cherry, yellow is lemon, purple is grape. Right? Not always, according to NPR story on scientists studying how the senses affect one another. When you see a bright orange beverage or candy, your brain expects an orange flavor — so much so, that some candies, like your standard gummy bears, don’t actually come in different flavors. It’s just your brain filling in the blanks. Skittles are another perfect example. The candy company discovered that it’s less expensive to give Skittles different dyes and fragrances than it is to actually flavor them. Sure enough, green Skittles look and smell like a sour apple, but they have the same flavor as the purple, red, orange and yellow ones. While this is interesting, scientists really need to explain why blue is universally the best flavor of candy even though blue raspberries aren’t even a thing.
The Real Reason to Tune Into the Olympics
The 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio were just 17 months ago, but they’re merely a blip in my memory. (It’s been an eventful 17 months, OK?) The U.S. women’s gymnastics team kicked ass (despite their disgusting abusive doctor), Ryan Lochte lied about getting robbed by fake armed cops and the world was introduced to Pita Taufatofua, a judo athlete from Tonga. Taufatofua was the country’s shirtless, oiled up flag-bearer in 2016, and his iconic image was burned into millions of viewers’ eyeballs as he strutted, glistening, in the parade during the opening ceremony. Well, he hasn’t rested since — in fact, he’s been training to become a winter athlete. Taufatofua, who before last year had only seen snow once and never owned a pair of skis, recently learned how to cross-country ski, and it turns out he’s pretty good. And by pretty good, I mean he has officially qualified for the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang. This is a huge feat, but how are fans going to be able to spot him in heavy winter garb? Can someone airbrush his golden abs onto a ski jacket? Will the opening ceremonies be warm enough to cater to topless athletes? Can Taufatofua train in the art of exotic dance next? Inquiring minds (read: horny broads) want to know!
Contact T.C. Britton: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jan 17-24, 2018.
