WEDNESDAY, JULY 13
Cincinnati chili regularly takes a beating in the public eye. We get it: It’s runny. It boasts an untraditional flavor. It’s a gut-busting greasy meal that looks like poop. We’ve heard it all before. So it’s up to Cincy natives to defend the city’s unofficial dish, and that’s just what WWE world heavyweight champion Dean Ambrose did in an interview on Unfiltered with Renee Young this week. Ambrose — who grew up in the Queen City as Jonathan Good and performed as a wrestler under the name Jon Moxley from 2004 to 2011 — declared cheese coneys to be the best thing about Cincinnati. He waxed poetic about a hot dog and bun “steamed to perfection,” topped with cheddar cheese that has been exposed to that same steam, giving it a “loose, gelatinous flavor and a fluffiness,” likening the stuff to his sweat-soaked stringy hair. OK, that description might not win over the hearts of Deadspin writers anytime soon, but Cincinnati chili will take what it can get at this point.
THURSDAY, JULY 14
The 2016 Emmy nominees were announced today. Highlights included: Game of Thrones and The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story topped the charts with 23 and 22 nominations, respectively. The buzzed-about docuseries Making a Murderer nabbed six while Aziz Ansari’s Master of None garnered four (one each for the series, his acting, writing and directing). Interesting individuals up for awards include Rami Malek for Mr. Robot, Thomas Middleditch for Silicon Valley, Bokeem Woodbine and Jesse Plemons for Fargo, Louie Anderson for his gender-bending role in Baskets and RuPaul — who months ago stated he’d never get an Emmy — for hosting RuPaul’s Drag Race.
FRIDAY, JULY 15
Who is D.B. Cooper? Whether a criminal mastermind or folk hero, the mysterious man who hijacked a Boeing 727 in 1971, requested $200,000 and four parachutes and skydived from the moving plane, never to be seen again, remains the source of speculation and conspiracy theories decades later. Could the man misidentified as D.B. Cooper (he bought a plane ticket under the name Dan Cooper, but D.B. stuck before the correction could be reported) have survived such a caper? Could he still be alive? This week, the History Channel debuted a two-part documentary about a crack team of investigators trying to solve the elusive Cooper case. Right after it aired, the FBI announced a change of status in the case: That shit is closed. Is this another Jinx moment, where the real-time investigation of Robert Durst coincided with the incriminating finale of HBO’s 2015 documentary series? Not quite. After an admittedly fun ride through prospective suspects and theories in the show, the journalist duo heading the case could not provide enough evidence to prove they had found the real Cooper alive and well, and the FBI didn’t want to hear it.
SATURDAY, JULY 16
Filling Nippert Stadium for a football game is one thing, but a sell-out “futbol friendly?” Do locals even know what that is? Apparently so, because this weekend FC Cincinnati played English Premier League club Crystal Palace to a sold-out stadium of more than 35,000 fans. It’s Ohio’s best-attended soccer match to date. Good job, Cincinnati!
SUNDAY, JULY 17
When it comes to polygamous religious sects, there are sensationalist accounts of life in a multiple-spouse marriage like those shown on the TV show Sister Wives, and then there are just plain sensational stories like in the case of Warren Jeffs and the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Warren, the former president of the Mormon denomination — known for, among other things, promoting marriage between adult men and multiple underage girls — is currently serving a life sentence (plus 20 years) for sexual assault. Warren’s brother Lyle Jeffs stepped up to lead the church following Warren’s arrest, and it turns out that being a horrible person runs in the Jeffs’ blood because it wasn’t long before law enforcement began zeroing in on the group again, this time for evidence of child labor and food stamp fraud. It was reported this week that while on house arrest awaiting trial in June, Lyle slipped out of his ankle monitor using what’s believed to be olive oil. Lubed up and ready to go, Lyle apparently left his ranch with armed security guards. As of publication of this article, dude is still on the loose.
MONDAY, JULY 18
The Republican National Convention kicked off today in Cleveland. Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump (*dry heave*) announced earlier this week his pick for vice president, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. Trump’s running mate is known for supporting extremely restrictive anti-abortion legislation, which sparked the formation of a group called Periods for Pence, which encourages women to call Pence’s office with any and all updates on their menstrual activity because the governor seems so concerned with women’s reproductive systems. The humorous (in a kinda sad “Is this real life?” way) campaign has since joined forces with the similarly charged Tampons for Trump. So, ladies, be sure to let them know how it’s going down in your “wherever.” In the words of Leslie Knope, what’s more cuterus than your uterus? One thing that was decidedly not cute was the Republican pair’s debut campaign logo, which featured the T in “Trump” penetrating the P in “Pence” and… Oh, you get it. Many agreed that it validly demonstrated just how they plan to fuck America. The logo was quickly redesigned. Trump is expected to accept the nomination Thursday.
TUESDAY, JULY 19
For a normal person trying to get into shape, one roadblock to fitness is the prospect of attractive gym rats judging your sloppy ass. Nothing makes you want to literally throw in the towel like when an athletic model-type hops on the elliptical next to you. So imagine the horror a California woman felt when Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers took a photo of her — nude — changing in a gym locker room and sent it out with a body-shaming caption via Snapchat. For once the internet responded appropriately, reaming Mathers for the insensitive — not to mention illegal — post. She’s now banned from all L.A. Fitness locations and booted from her regular radio gig on a Los Angeles morning show, which is presumably all she had to show for her career outside of her designation as 2015 Playmate of the Year. Mathers is now under criminal investigation.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jul 20-27, 2016.