Independence Day fell on a Wednesday this year, meaning you either had a really long holiday weekend or you didn’t and you’re still bitter about the people who did. Lucky for all of us, there was enough #America news to carry us into this week.
Stamp of Disapproval
From the right angle, Las Vegas can serve as a stand-in for a number of international cities, thanks to resorts like the Venetian, Paris and Luxor. There’s no real harm in tricking your Instagram followers into thinking you’re enjoying a gondola ride in Italy when you’re really at a conference in America’s armpit. But a mix-up surrounding the New York-New York Hotel & Casino’s replica Statue of Liberty turned out to be a costly mistake for the U.S. Postal Service. In 2011, USPS released a “forever” stamp with Lady Liberty’s face, only these stamps wouldn’t actually last forever because the image wasn’t of the real Statue of Liberty — it’s the version artist Robert Davidson created for Vegas’ New York-New York. The property features a tribute to the Big Apple, complete with towers that resemble the Empire State and Chrysler buildings and other landmarks. USPS accidentally used Davidson’s statue for the stamp and he sued for copyright infringement — citing that his version is noticeably “sexier” and more “sultry”(?!) — and won $3.5 million this week. Don’t mess with a man’s slutty statue!
Scaling the Statue of Liberty
The real Lady Liberty found herself in the spotlight on July 4 thanks to progressive political group Rise and Resist and its member, Therese Patricia Okoumou. The group was protesting the current immigration policies on Liberty Island July 4 when Okoumou decided to up the ante and climb the damn thing. She made it to the base, near Lady Lib’s foot, stating that she would not come down until all the children in immigrant detention centers were released, but emergency responders were able to safely remove her after three hours. She later said she was following the words of Michelle Obama: “ ‘When they go low, we go high.’ And I went as high as I could.” Girl, she didn’t mean literally! Okoumou is now being charged with trespassing, interference with government agency functions and disorderly conduct and could face jail time. While I’m not a lawyer, I would like to invoke the words of Cher Horowitz: It does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty.
Record-Breaking Binge
There’s nothing that screams U.S.A. more than stuffing your American pie hole with nitrates and, thus, the 102nd annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest took place Wednesday at New York’s Coney Island. Reigning champion Joey Chestnut downed 74 dogs in just 10 minutes, surpassing his record-breaking 72 franks last year. This is Chestnut’s 11th win — he’s only lost once since 2007. The way his body is able to handle getting a year’s worth of sodium in one sitting, year after year, is miraculous. A true American hero. In the women’s competition, Miko Sudo won for the fifth time in a row with a modest 37 hot dogs. Here’s hoping at this time the contestants have gained independence from their toilets, because you know their sausage-stuffed asses were planted on the pot for at least two days afterward.
Social Media Celebrations
Usually the Fourth of July equals grainy fireworks pics, poolside selfies and snaps of grilled meats on social media — and I saw more than my fair share of that boring ish — but some kept it interesting on the internet this holiday. InfoWars’ HBIC Alex Jones warned followers earlier last week that Democrats were planning to launch a war on July 4, and not just a symbolic one like liberals’ sinister war on Christmas — a real civil war. Did that happen? Must’ve dodged that draft.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump Jr. shared some cringeworthy patriotic memes involving his dad, including one image of him as Salt Bae, sprinkling red, white and blue stars, which Junior called “Freedom Bae” *Dry heaves*
Folks across the nation #TookToTwitter to complain about lackluster — or cancelled — fireworks shows in St. Petersburg and Tampa, Fla., Lexington, Ky. and beyond. Watching shit blow up is an American right, not a privilege!
Sacha Baron Cohen appeared to be up to something involving the president and Trump University, according to a cryptic Tweet posted Wednesday featuring video of Trump bashing Cohen (he appeared on SBC’s Da Ali G Show back in 2003). It was later revealed that Cohen has been at work on a Showtime series called Who Is America?, which will premiere July 15. The network is being incredibly tight-lipped about the new SBC show, but apparently an undercover Cohen got Dick Cheney to sign a waterboard kit for it. Sign us up.
This Is America
The president spent the holiday splitting his time between Twitter, the golf course and hosting a picnic for military families, but he was back in full force at a campaign rally in Great Falls, Montana Thursday. (You know he requested a city with the word “great” in it.) And if you had a Bingo card of egregious Trumpisms, that shit would be totally full after the fuckery he spewed at the crowd.
Naturally, he brought up the Statue of Liberty protester, calling Okoumou a clown, while praising the first responders who got her down safely. Of course, he couldn’t just stop there. “I would have said, ‘Let’s get some nets, and let’s wait till she comes down. Just get some nets.’ ” #nets
He also suggested doing a DNA test on Sen. Elizabeth Warren to test her Native American ancestry, clarifying that he’d have to “do it gently because we’re in the #MeToo generation.” On Twitter, Chrissy Teigen responded best: “how does this dipshit think 23 and me works? where does he think you swab?” Actually, I don’t want to think about that answer.
Contact T.C. Britton: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jul 4-11, 2018.
