WEDNESDAY, MARCH 01
Think you had a rough week? Film academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs told the Associated Press Wednesday that the two accountants responsible for the envelopes and, thus, Sunday’s monumental fail, Brian Cullinan and Martha Ruiz, will never return to the Oscars show. Cullinan is being blamed for the iconic flub — he handed Warren Beatty a duplicate of the Actress in a Leading Role envelope and did not notice the error as it unfolded onstage… because he was tweeting during the show. PricewaterhouseCoopers has been the official accountancy to the Oscars and has tabulated votes for the academy since 1934, and now that relationship is up in the air. Meanwhile, Warren Beatty put a bounty out on Faye Dunaway, who despite being the one to actually wrongly announce La La Land for Best Picture, escaped unscathed and hasn’t been seen since.
THURSDAY, MARCH 02
A Scavenger hunt for the Republicans’ Affordable Care Act replacement descended onto Capitol Hill Thursday. Oregon Rep. Greg Walden made a draft of the bill available for some Republicans, but they had to read it in private and couldn’t make copies. Rumor spread that the legislation was being held in a meeting room in the House of Representatives, sending reporters, Democrats and Republicans alike on a wild goose chase for the mysterious bill. As Vox’s Ezra Klein noted, the scene was straight out of Veep. Details on the conservative answer to Obamacare were finally revealed Monday.
Clearly, Washington reporters have a tough job — now more than ever. Thankfully, Tom Hanks keeps the White House press corps juiced up on caffeine with the espresso machine he recently gifted. That’s right, the Academy Award winner has been buying coffee makers for White House reporters since the Bush administration, just ’cause. They don’t call him T-Hanks for nothing!
FRIDAY, MARCH 03
In his bio on the Iowa State Republicans website, Sen. Mark Chelgren stated that he received a business degree from Forbco Management school. Don’t recognize that university? That’s because it’s actually a company that operated a So-Cal Sizzler franchise — remember those buffet-style steakhouses? — and that “business degree” he received was actually a certificate from a management course he took while working at a Sizzler. The notation has since been removed from the site. Why is this information relevant now? The Iowa Senate’s Education Committee is currently considering a bill that would force the state’s three public universities to hire faculty based on applicants’ political-party affiliations. If this measure passes, universities would need to gather voter-registration data to ensure that the number of Democrat and Republican instructors are within 10 percent of one another. There would be a hiring freeze until these numbers were reached. You get where this is heading. In his promotion of the bill, Chelgren cited his own experiences with liberal professors. And while university faculty might not seem like Sizzler’s target consumers, an affordable all-you-can-eat meal is certainly appealing to an underpaid, overworked adjunct professor. TL;DR: Don’t fuck with higher ed when you got your fake degree from the Sizzler.
SATURDAY, MARCH 04
The Beauty and the Beast live-action remake is coming out soon, and so is one of its characters. LeFou, Gaston’s bumbling toadie whose name literally translates to “The Fool,” is gay, a realization he’ll make in the film. This is the first openly gay Disney character (yay), but they picked a most ridiculous character for the distinction, to pine for the uber-straight Gaston (boo). Of course there’s no way this is actually the first unofficial LGBTQ Disney character: Who could forget Toy Story’s Ken doll? And odds are at least one of the seven dwarfs identified as queer. A quick Googling reveals even more speculation about Lion King’s Timon and Pumba, Frozen’s Elsa and Brave’s Merida. Suuure, portray a princess that isn’t chasing after a guy and she’s automatically a lesbian, right?
SUNDAY, MARCH 05
Easter is six weeks away. Typically the White House celebrates by inviting children to participate in an egg roll the following Monday, a tradition started by Dolley Madison in 1814. A family of Easter bunnies are also present — costumes that have been provided by Cincinnati’s own Schenz Theatrical Supply since 1981. No word yet on whether Trump will continue this tradition (lol why would he support anything harmless and wholesome), but we now know his press secretary Sean Spicer suited up in the Schenz costume in the past, thanks to some recently resurfaced photos. People like to debate the scariness of Easter Bunny costumes over the years — much to Schenz’s chagrin — but the idea of an overheated Spicer greeting children as a giant rabbit is just downright terrifying.
MONDAY, MARCH 06
Oprah Winfrey 2020? OK, why not? The Queen of All Media joked about the idea this week on Bloomberg TV about eyeing the presidency since the question of experience is a moot point now that we’ve elected a former Domino’s spokesperson as commander-in-chief. Trump himself even joked about running alongside the Almighty O back in 1999. Oprah’s best gal pal and presumable running mate Gayle King crushed our dreams on CBS This Morning, saying “It was clearly a joke… That ain’t never happening. N-E-V-A-H.” Oh, well. There’s always Wendy Williams.
TUESDAY, MARCH 07
What did millennials ruin this week? According to Cesar Millan, adopting dogs! Twentysomethings are filling their baby voids with puppies, Millan says, and they shouldn’t be allowed to adopt them because much like the Oscars accountant, they’re too busy tweeting. “They are always on their phone and have no idea how to relate on a personal matter,” Millan told The Daily Mail. “A lot of millennials feel independent and can do their own thing, but they have no idea how to relate with other human beings. They’ve been given everything, how are they going to maintain a dog?” So millennials not only suck at having puppers, but any type of interpersonal relationships. Dog Whisperer BURN!
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Mar 8-15, 2017.
