WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 07
Usually when a president lands in Air Force One, the airport people wheel in those giant stairs for him to exit, he waves while walking down and everyone goes about their business. But when Obama arrived at the airport this week in China, there were no stairs. He had to exit through the rear, or as this trending headline puts it: “China forces Barack Obama to emerge from Air Force One’s ‘ass’ in sharp, diplomatic snub.” Well, joke’s on you, China. Obama ain’t afraid of a little ass play! He took it like a champ, playing it off to reporters like it was NBD, telling The New York Times he wouldn’t “over-crank the significance” of it all. Mm hmm. Also involving China and airplanes: Wings of China, the inflight magazine on Air China planes, highlighted the destination of London in its September issue. The mag is full of helpful tips for tourists traveling foggy London town, including the idea that “precautions are needed when entering areas mainly populated by Indians, Pakistanis and black people.” All issues have been removed from flights by now, but OOF. Imagine if Delta Sky warned readers about the dangers of buying designer knockoffs in Chinatown. Sadly, you know you have at least one aunt who would like that story on Facebook.
THURSDAY, SEPT. 08
After drumming up controversy for requesting “multicultural women only” for his fashion show casting call — “I’m 4 percent Cherokee!” cried a white girl in a headdress still coming down from Burning Man — Kanye West’s Yeezy Season 4 presentation took place this week on New York City’s Roosevelt Island near an abandoned smallpox hospital. Models were dropping like flies due to everything from the length of the much-delayed outdoor fashion show to the heat to the busted heels some could barely manage to wobble in. “…Jobs…Disney…Hughes…” Kanye was heard mumbling in the shade between sips of Juicy Juice.
FRIDAY, SEPT. 09
Friday marked the first official day of streetcar operations. Cue the music! “Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ding, ding, ding went the (Cincinnati) bell (Connector)!” Hard segue alert: In other telephone-related news, Apple announced this week that the iPhone 7 and 7 Plus are coming Sept. 16. The new phones won’t have headphone jacks, but it’s cool: Just buy their new $159 wireless earbuds instead! They’re calling ’em AirPods — totally missed cross-branding opportunity not naming them AirBuds. Millennials fucking love Disney movie references. But Apple certainly didn’t forget them with the addition of Super Mario Run, the new Nintendo game specifically for mobile, available soon in the App Store. This side-scrolling game is designed to be played one-handed, a very desirable feature for adults who play Super Mario.
SATURDAY, SEPT. 10
The New York Mets signed live dashboard Jesus figurine Tim Tebow to their instructional league. Yes, the former quarterback remembered as much for his winning the Heisman Trophy as his performance in the 2010 Super Bowl ad supporting pro-life organization Focus On Family has swapped balls. This has led to many burning questions. What will his home run celebration look like, and how will it incorporate our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Did Tebowing have anything to do with Icing? Remember for like 15 minutes in 2010 when people would challenge one another to chug a Smirnoff Ice while taking a knee? Is Tebow still saving himself for marriage? Inquiring minds want to know!
SUNDAY, SEPT. 11
So, it’s the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Football fans in stadiums across the country booed President Obama during the showing of a pre-recorded video tribute. An ailing Hillary Clinton left a memorial in New York early after getting overheated, sparking even more outrage. Actress and trans rights activist Alexis Arquette died. ESPN’s fantasy football app was down. Let’s just fast-forward through this one, shall we?
MONDAY, SEPT. 12
Dancing With the Stars Season 23 premiered tonight, further stretching the definition of what constitutes a celebrity. Nineties one-hit wonder who, not unlike herpes, continues to pop up periodically despite all attempts to get rid of him? You get a star, Vanilla Ice. Bald-headed lady best known for her relationships with rappers? You get a star, Amber Rose. Former Texas governor/corn dog enthusiast? You get a star, Rick Perry. And you get a star! And you get a star! Everybody gets a star! Even personified privilege, Olympic swimmer and Tim Tebow’s evil twin Ryan Lochte nabbed a spot. Great, now Sept. 12 will be remembered as the day we agreed to keep giving Lochte undeserved attention.
TUESDAY, SEPT. 13
The Creative Arts Emmys were awarded this week. No, you didn’t miss it on TV — there’s no live broadcast, which shows just how much people appreciate the creative arts. But this batch of awards, given out over two nights this year, features even more categories than the event Jimmy Kimmel hosts next Sunday, from casting to commercials to guest acting and costume design. Of note: Netflix’s Making a Murderer received four awards; Amy Poehler and Tina Fey shared a win for Comedy Guest Actress — a first — for their joint hosting gig on Saturday Night Live; and RuPaul made herstory beating out Heidi Klum, Tim Gunn, Ryan Seacrest and other recognizable hosts by taking away the prize for Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition. The RuPaul’s Drag Race win was a surprise to many, including the host himself. RuPaul told Vulture just earlier this year, “…Any time I’ve had yearnings to go, ‘Aw, gee, I wish I could be invited to the Emmys,’ I say, ‘Ru, Ru, remember the pact you made. You never wanted to be a part of that bullshit.’ In fact, I’d rather have an enema than have an Emmy.” Shoot, girl. There has never been a more appropriate time to say, “Get you a man who can do both!”
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Sep 14-21, 2016.
