Whirlygig: 95: Out on the Town

Downtown Tour of Living steams with attractive offers and design ideas

Sep 17, 2003 at 2:06 pm

Pipe Dreams
During dinner with Cathy and our mutual friends Keith and Sue at Boswell Alley in Northside on Friday, the girls and I decided to go on the Downtown Tour of Living on Sunday. Keith decided not to go since he dedicates his free Sundays in the fall to the NFL. Living in Cincinnati so long has totally robbed me of my love of pro football until the postseason begins.

Sue is the first friend of mine who I've seen go through a pregnancy. It's been strange over the past seven months watching her go from a very tall and lanky girl to a tall and lanky girl with a big belly.

Since Cathy had her mentee from Washington Park Elementary School spend the night with her on Saturday after going to the Renaissance Festival, we decided to drop her off at her home on our way downtown Sunday morning. Lil' Z lives a couple of blocks west of Findlay Market in Over-the-Rhine. I can't help but wonder what must be going through her mind making the transition from the very vanilla suburban Cincinnati back to a neighborhood where I saw a couple of guys walking around drinking 40s out of paper bags on the corner of her street at 11 a.m.

After dropping off Lil' Z, we drove downtown and parked in the Fountain Square parking lot. As we walked to the visitor center to buy tickets for the tour, I told Cathy and Sue to look through the eyehole in Mark Fox's pig on Fountain Square. Neither one of them seemed to think the pig was as hilarious as I did.

They thought it was even less funny when I took a picture of Sue while she was looking into the pig's butt. I guess not everyone has a third grade sense of humor.

The first group of apartments we walked to were located on Fourth Street between Elm and Plum streets. For the most part they were lofts that were converted from what I guess were old factory or warehouse buildings. Each one was one large room with large ceilings and a bedroom built on the floor above the bathroom. I guess the architects that designed these spaces think that only people 5-foot-10 or shorter are interested in living downtown. I got very claustrophobic walking around in each of the bedroom areas.

I did like the fact that each bed in one building was positioned right underneath the water pipes for the sprinklers. Cathy saw me daydreaming in front of one of the beds and asked me if I was thinking about using some of the decorating for my bedroom. There were too many older folks in the area for me to tell her all I was thinking about was all of the different sexual positions you could do using the sprinkler pipes right above the bed.

After the fourth building on the tour, Cathy started to get a little frustrated at how slow Sue and I were moving through the different apartments and condos. I like to linger and admire my favorite parts of a living space and try to think about how I might use some of the decorating techniques in my house, if I ever get off my can and do something with my house, and Sue is of course seven months pregnant. That's bound to slow down almost any woman.

We decided to take a break in our tour at Uno's across the street from the Aronoff Center for lunch. As soon as we walked into Uno's, I saw this very attractive girl, Emma, who I've been dying to ask out ever since I first met her a few years ago. I was just about to slyly work the conversation around to see if she was still dating her boyfriend of the past few years when I noticed Kathy, a tall redhead who looks a lot like Nicole Kidman, standing next to her. Kathy was the roommate of a friend of mine a couple of years ago, whom I've also wanted to ask out.

Internally I was trying to figure out how to find out if either one of them were single and, if one was, how would I ask one of them out while the other one was still standing there. After five minutes of outwardly pleasant conversation with the two of them, I decided to give up the chase for another day and joined Sue and Cathy upstairs.

For some dumb as hell reason I ordered what I call the Fried Platter Appetizer (fried cheese sticks, fried chicken product, French fries, hushpuppies and buffalo wings) and a pint of Harp, while Sue and Cathy ordered a baked chicken sandwich and cheese quesadilla respectively. They both walked out of lunch feeling refreshed and ready for more touring. All I wanted to do was go crawl up with Emma and/or Kathy in one of those nice beds with the sprinkler pipes above it and go to sleep.

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