Worst Week Ever!: Dec. 3-9

If there’s anything worse than religious people who try to act morally superior and tell other people who they can marry and where their soul will spend eternity after they kick the bucket, it’s atheists who think other people care what they do and do no

click to enlarge Expensive school, free market?
Expensive school, free market?

Atheists Debut Controversial Billboard that Doesn’t Make Sense, Piss off People in the Heartland

If there’s anything worse than religious people who try to act morally superior and tell other people who they can marry and where their soul will spend eternity after they kick the bucket, it’s atheists who think other people care what they do and do not believe in. A group called American Atheists has rankled the feathers of many with a billboard depicting a young girl writing Santa a letter asking for permission to skip church. It reads, “I’m too old for fairy tales.” This is kind of a jerk move, because young children will see the ad and probably ask their parents too many questions about what it means. Adults in the area are also upset about the ad, but that reaction has been blended with a deep sense of confusion because if the girl writing the letter is too old for fairy tales then why would she be writing to Santa Claus any damn way? The American Atheists contend that the billboard was meant to reach out to atheists and not to recruit religious people to their godless lifestyle choice. Additionally, they have offered to feature an adult in their next “be rad and edgy at the same time by skipping church” advertisement who is just too hungover from Saturday night to attend church on Sundays just to hear dramatic stories of yesteryear.

NPR Delivers Shocking News that Legal American Pot Is Destroying the Value of Mexican Product

Contrary to what some law enforcement and other entities who profit off the prosecution and incarceration of nonviolent drug offenders have warned regarding the dangers of recreational or medical marijuana use, there has been no attributable spike in violence or other bad things associated with this societal trend. Colorado, Oregon, Alaska and other states have been forerunners of the legalization movement, and marijuana grown there is so plentiful and potent that the DEA now admits that for the first time ever American pot is being smuggled into Mexico and sold there while product from south of the border has become significantly devalued. Kilograms of Mexican marijuana were valued at $60-$90 two years ago, but now only fetch $30-$40, according to a farmer interviewed in the NPR piece. The farmer offered a bleak outlook on the future of Mexican marijuana, saying, “If the U.S. continues to legalize pot, they’ll run us into the ground.” Officials from the DEA agree that this may be true but that it is better to empower players in the marijuana distribution game who cut each other’s heads off and hang competitors from highway overpasses than to let a bunch of jam band aficionados with a love of botany handle it here in the States.

Charles Koch and Papa John’s Attempt to Purchase University of Louisville

Like many colleges, the University of Louisville has faced financial deficits over the last few years. It would seem that a $6 million gift would be a thoughtful remedy to that problem … unless of course the gift was given by powerful people with evil political agendas designed to keep the plutocracy in control of this bought-and-sold nation. In this week’s case, the donors who are evil include Charles Koch and Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter, who is fiercely anti-Obamacare because he owns a mansion with a moat around it and is greedy. As the University of Louisville tries to rebound from three straight years of financial deficits and slumping net worth, a proposed $6 million infusion from the Charles Koch Foundation and Schnatter would appear to be a very welcome gift, but members of the U of L community have shared their fear that accepting gifts from backers of political causes who favor less government regulation and mo’ profitzzz is probably a bad idea. Their fears appear to be well-founded, as Papa John and One Half of the Evil Koch Brothers have earmarked their funds to create a new “center for free enterprise” to be led by an economics professor who would operate with the authority to approve any staffer hired with the grant money. Louisville students are very wary of this proposed new arrangement and would prefer that Papa John’s find and contribute to new philanthropic ventures using the tons of money the company can save if it would stop airing those painfully awkward commercials featuring Pizza Robot CEO and Touchdown Robot Peyton Manning trying to act like they are real people with emotions and developed senses of humor.

Article About Online Game Failing to Recognize “Goetta” Inexplicably Makes News Section

The Enquirer’s Carl Weiser came out with this week’s second-hardest piece of investigative reporting, next to the release of the CIA torture report, with an article about his experience playing Words With Friends that somehow ended up in the paper’s online News section. The game doesn’t recognize “goetta” as a word, which is not surprising since only people who live in or have lived in Cincinnati know what the hell it is. Not wanting to be outshone by our journalistic counterparts in the 513, CityBeat’s next issue is slated to feature a hard-hitting expose about how it is uncivil and unjust that there are no Facebook or iPhone emojis representing coneys.

CPD Considers New Methods to Keep Protests from Getting out of Control

In the light of recent protests here in the Queen City, law enforcement is said to be looking at new methods of keeping crowds from getting too big and unruly, including hiring a stunt double to wear a LeVeon Bell Steelers jersey and have him walk through the crowd to see if it will cause the protestors to disperse and not touch anyone like the Bengals defense did when he carried the ball all over the goddamned place during last week’s most-upsetting 42-21 dismantling.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


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