Kentucky Takes Action to Make Hate-Spewing Employee as Comfortable as Possible
As Midwesterners, we have to be sensitive to coastal elitists making fun of where we live and acting like spending $2,500 a month to live in a closet and watch rats carry pizza home on the mass transit system is the bee’s knees. That’s why badmouthing bordering states isn’t a simple choice to make for Ohio-based businesses like this awesome newspaper. Besides, Kentucky has Red River Gorge and plenty of people who aren’t intolerant and annoying. On the other hand, they do have a new governor named Matt Bevin who supports passing a bill that will allow county clerks who should have been fired for not doing their jobs to refuse to put their names on the marriage licenses of same-sex couples. In spite of such state-sanctioned discrimination, the gay and lesbian community knows how to roll with the punches. Rather than getting upset by this bill’s passage, non-straight people of the commonwealth are working together to propose another bill that will call for cubicle walls to be built around Kim Davis so nobody has to look at her love child of Dog The Bounty Hunter and Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase stuffed into a turtleneck lookin’ ass while getting their license issued.
Local QB Elated to Realize Luggage of the Tangible Variety Can be Recovered
Cincinnati Who Deys quarterback Andy Dalton and his wife had quite a day last week after two suitcases fell off the back of his truck and landed somewhere along a Dallas freeway. As soon as Dalton realized his bags jumped ship, he did what any modern man would do in that situation, which is use the power of social media to get them shits back by offering a reward. By the end of the day, Dalton reported via Twitter that his luggage had been found and returned. Then, after some deep introspection, Dalton posted a tweet about how he wished it was the emotional baggage he carries that fell out of the truck cab because he realizes in hindsight that if he didn’t try to tackle someone for the first time since he was like 18 after throwing an interception against Pittsburgh and break his thumb in the process that the Bengals would have had a pretty good shot of making it to the Super Bowl.
Einstein was Right About Something Haters Doubted, Modern Folk Act Surprised
Long ago, historians made up a story about Albert Einstein being bad at math as a youngster to make the rest of us feel less upset about being really dumb compared to the dude. Yet years after the genius’ death, people are still learning things that make it clear that our brains can’t understand most of the stuff he and astronomers study. It turns out that gravitational waves (which Einstein’s theory of general relativity predicted) are real and have been detected by scientists at the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO), a renowned institution that is fun to imagine being constructed entirely out of colorful LEGO bricks. While the gravitational waves revelation was exciting to those at the observatory, it has had little effect on the majority of mankind, who saw headlines about it and thought it sounded interesting in a distant and impertinent sort of way before going back to worrying about the things they are capable of understanding, most of which weigh heavy on our souls and make it hard for us to enjoy life as much as we should.
Scalia’s Legacy to Be Tested By Anyone Reasonable
Rewatching the X Files from Season 1 isn’t the only thing you can do these days to make what seems like the not-so-distant past seem like it transpired eons. One can also read through some of now-deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s opinions, such as insisting that the Supreme Court never ruled that the Constitution prohibited the execution of convicted defendants who are later found to be innocent, or that hilarious time when he compared laws against homosexuality to other “reprehensible behavior” such as cruelty to animals. Fortunately for people who like to think about what’s next rather than wonder how someone with such views played such a prominent role in our “justice” system, America’s focus now turns to nominating a replacement on the Supreme Court and trying to guess how vile and childish this sure-to-be ongoing process will be.
Ohio Man Involved in Oregon Takeover; Father Upset Dumbass will Face Charges
Ohioans’ hope that the Buckeye State would have no ties to the embarrassing display that was the Oregon wildlife refuge takeover were dashed this week when Blanchester’s William Fry, the father of holdout/squatter David Fry, told the media he was disappointed his son and his loser friends have all been named in a grand jury indictment and face punishment for the crimes they committed. David was reportedly among the last four zhlubs involved in the occupation, and his father told the AP, “We were hoping for a more positive outcome” and that his son is no different from others who believe “our country is heading in the wrong direction.” When asked what other resolution could have come from this poorly thought-out display of old dudes wearing camo and smoking cigarettes, William Fry suggested that the National Guard could have been called in earlier to intimidate everyone into dispersing like the government does when people who are not white get rowdy.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Feb 10-17, 2016.