Mike Huckabee Uses Another Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp Analogy
Sometimes when you hear someone say something stupid you can brush it off easily, noting that they lack the social interaction skills and knowledge that would make you expect them not to say stupid things. It’s a bit different when you hear a former Arkansas governor and 2016 Republican presidential contender go off the rails and start saying things that make you realize we’re only a few million uncast votes away from having a dipshit like this with his feet up on the desk in the Oval Office. Mike Huckabee recently appeared on CNN’s State of the Union, where he was able to broadcast his outrage over good Christians being expected to accept same-sex marriage. Huckabee thinks being gay is a choice, as if this opinion makes it OK to behave negatively toward groups of people with different dispositions. He also is a solid enough politician to come up with more entertaining ways to say, “I want wacko religious people to vote for me so I will speak out against the gays even though it’s 2015 and most people think people who rail against what other people do in their bedrooms are hateful.” Instead, The Huckster told the audience that asking Christians to not be so divisive and anti-gay was pretty much the same as “asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.” The former governor later explained that he has never actually been to a Jewish deli and admitted the odds would probably be 50/50 that he would be kicked out before his food came for saying something racist if he did go to one.
Cincinnati City Council Follows Lead of Progressive Northwest City, Installs 24-hour Restroom
Portland, Oregon is a nice city in the Pacific Northwest that is very charming and surrounded by beauteous nature. It is also a city that coney-eating Midwestern folk are leery of emulating because of fears that people here will start wearing winter hats during the summer months and making other questionable hipster fashion and political statements. However, Rip City did have a pretty cool and humane idea which will provide more Cincinnati residents and visitors with better options than looking for a bathroom or an alley when they have to relieve themselves while downtown. The “Portland Loo” is a solar-powered, open-air metal bathroom contraption that is graffiti proof and also features openings at the top and bottom so police can look inside if something weird is going on in there. The first to be installed here will debut in June at Smale Riverfront Park. With the Major League Baseball All-Star Game coming to town this year, having more bathrooms available to the big crowds in downtown Cincinnati will definitely be a good thing. City Councilman Chris Seelbach plans to celebrate the opening of the new loo with a “First Flush” event. Council also released a statement clarifying that this is purely a ceremonial celebration and that the local media is not advised to come tape the sound of some politician peeing because that would kind of be weird.
New EPA Clean Air Standards Might Make Things Less Gray and Hazy This Summer
The Environmental Protection Agency has given local Ohio and Kentucky counties passing grades for the past few years. However, it turns out that we’re just like stupid American school kids who pass because the test-givers lowered the standards enough so we would have a shot at getting by. Now the issue is figuring out how to let factories and other polluters operate enough to make their owners wealthy and happy while not poisoning the air and water to the point where the public gets concerned or deathly ill. Even though it was a mild summer last year, Greater Cincinnati just barely met the standard for air quality, according to The Enquirer. New rules this year will make complying more difficult, which could lead to regulations and fines against factory and transportation service companies. Living in a river valley full of stagnant, poor quality air seems like something we should shy away from, but the National Association of Manufacturers believes new EPA regulations will reduce America’s gross domestic product by $270 billion … which is not the kind of thing that America likes. Mathematicians, climate scientists and concerned economic groups are set to meet next week to come up with a ratio of air quality/profit wherein people can still be rich but not too many people die from air and water pollution issues.
Boston Bomber’s Lawyers Upset People Don’t Like Their Client
The legal team for accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is none too pleased that a photo of a man shoveling the marathon’s finish line after last week’s winter storm went viral, proving that Bostonians are still deeply attached to the terrorist attack that occurred April 15, 2013. The lawyers believe the photo’s popularity proved that a fair trial for their client can’t be held in Boston. They would like to see if there is a part of the United States that isn’t angry about the bombing and hope to reach out to Rolling Stone to see if the publication would be willing to glamorize Tsarnaev on the cover again.
Idaho Newspapers Print Front Page Ad Equating Acceptance of Gays with Condoning Rape
Lawmakers in Idaho were involved in a tricky debate this week, specifically over the state’s “Add the Words Bill,” a proposal seeking to add shocking terms like “sexual orientation” and “gender identity” to the state’s Human Rights Act. It seems that many people out there don’t want all Idahoans to be included and protected by the bill, as four newspapers, including the state’s largest, were OK with plastering a Post-It sticker advertisement against the bill on the front page of their Jan. 28 editions that read: “Add No Words/Stand up to bullying.” While that doesn’t sound too awful at first glance, the URL featured on the ad in the Idaho Statesman links to a site which explains that “the essential nature of homosexuality, ‘transgenderism,’ and other forms of sexual deviancy is ultimately a form of rape.” The Add the Words Bill fell in a House committee vote the next day by a score 13-4, keeping “sexual orientation” and “gender identity” off the human rights legislation. Idaho Statesman Publisher Mike Jung explained that the paper actually supported the bill and is sorry some readers were offended by the Klansmen-type advertising. Jung also noted that there are only like 200 people in the whole state, so the paper has to get ad revenue anywhere it can.
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This article appears in Feb 4-10, 2015.