Worst Week Ever!: May 14-20

Gender roles are weird. Men are supposed to love going to Hooters because the restaurant is named after tits and their servers do the best job they can at patting backs and flirting with customers while acting as minimally repulsed as possible.

May 21, 2014 at 10:06 am
click to enlarge "Just kidding about our entire concept!"
"Just kidding about our entire concept!"

Local Religious Man Tries New Method of Tricking Kids into Forgetting How Boring Church Is

Religion is growing more and more obsolete and irrelevant each day. Our technology-driven interface makes life gadget- and tool-oriented, and people don’t really care about what will happen when they die anymore because, after all, they’ll be dead. Cincinnati.com’s recent profile on Carl Kerby Jr., son of a founding board member of Answers in Genesis (the Creation Museum rubes), detailed how he uses gaming to connect with kids who prefer playing high-res, graphics-immersive video games in favor of studying a book about living in the desert 2,000 years ago. Life moves quickly these days, more so than back in Bible Times, which featured a startling lack of air conditioning and human rights. Kerby uses video game storylines to relate to kids, saying, “If I know a teen is playing Assassin’s Creed, then I might ask him about the spiritual messages in the game. Then I can say, ‘Let me tell you what the Bible really says,’ because the game might have missed some marks on it. We think they’re just a game, but it’s not just a game. There’s a lot more to it than that.” Kerby went on to point out that he was talking about the Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag game set in the Caribbean and not the earlier ones in the series, which take place in medieval Europe and explicitly point out how most people in power within the church were immoral, money-grubbing jerks.

Butler County Prosecutor Pitches Idea That Seems Dumb, Even by Drug War Standards

People on opiates are terrible at speaking and can’t be counted on to remember anything or listen when the topic of conversation is about anyone other than them or where more opiates are coming from. That doesn’t mean Butler County Prosecutor Mike Gmoser doesn’t want to talk with them. In fact, he has garnered a lot of media attention for his latest effort — asking local heroin addicts to meet with him in private to have a fireside chat about how they got addicted. “I’m tired of listening to the experts pontificate about what the problem is without ever hearing from the problem,” Gmoser recently pontificated. “I want to hear from the problem. The addicts obviously are the problem because the problem is what is causing crime.” Like 90 percent of the things authorities think of and implement in the pointless drug war, this idea has no potential to work or have any positive impact. Gmoser’s new plan won’t do anything to lower drug abuse rates or change the fact that as a nation we spend more on drug enforcement and incarcerating people than we do on schools, but it will lead nicely into the Butler County prosecutor’s second phase of his “I’m tired of listening to experts” plan in which he will talk with cancer patients about how to cure cancer.

You Would Know You Made a Bad Life Choice if Jeb Bush Was the Commencement Speaker

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush recently delivered a commencement speech at Grove City College, a Christian liberal-arts college in Pennsylvania. During his speech, Bush implored students to not back down from their socially conservative values, probably because people who think Jesus would hate gays and the wealthy are the only ones in America that are going to vote for The Jebster if he runs in the 2016 Republican presidential primaries. Bush also warned graduates about how the federal government is violating citizens’ religious freedom and how we don’t have to accept it. Even though the idea of having another Bush president is downright scary, the fact that the commencement speech was less than 15 minutes long gives us hope that if he does get into office we won’t have to give up primetime programming for State of the Union addresses that go on way too long and use too many big words. Bush closed his speech by reiterating that embracing your values is really important and that if the values of voters dictate that they would prefer Al Gore to be president you just embrace the shit out of a few hundred thousand votes and throw them into the ocean somewhere so your bro can be president.

Lawn Care Disaster on Ohio College Campus Is Worst Officials Have Seen in Years

Lawn care professionals are either really good at what they do or really stoned at what they do. Either way, you can’t win ’em all when it comes to having their services provided. That’s what University of Findlay this week found out the hard way after a mix up resulted in the application of weedkiller to various lawns rather than fertilizer, which helps plant matter grow and does not kill it with poison. Grass was killed on up to 54 of the campus’ 72 acres, and it will take several weeks to re-sod and repair the damage. State officials haven’t seen an on-campus landscaping disaster of this magnitude since the time University of Cincinnati decided that spending a ton of money to build grass step-hills in the middle of campus was a surefire way to impress highfaluting coastal folk and get them to send their kids to college there.

Gross Restaurant Chain Makes Tasteless Rape Joke and Then Lies About It

Gender roles are weird. Men are supposed to love going to Hooters because the restaurant is named after tits and their servers do the best job they can at patting backs and flirting with customers while acting as minimally repulsed as possible. In reality, real men do not like being touched while they are eating. Even if this weren’t true, a rape joke on Hooters’ Facebook page featuring a woman in short shorts and the caption “Exhibit A: The proof that she was asking for it your Honour” should provide a compelling reason to not visit that shithole of a restaurant anytime soon. Hooters spokespeople used the lame, dishonest excuse that someone hacked their account and posted the rape joke picture instead of coming up with a heartfelt apology along the lines of, “We are sorry about our failed attempt at humor. We can’t even make chicken wings that aren’t tasteless.”

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]