American Educators Subtly Use Weather as Device to Advance their Work-From-Home Agenda
People who work from home have it made — no sharing kitchens and bathrooms with a bunch of mouth-breathers who surprise you by simply dressing themselves and making it into the office each morning. School employees recently got wind of this awesome phenomenon in Jefferson County, Ala., and decided to implement two “eDays” for the school system this year, where children will learn remotely instead of coming to school and forcing teachers and other staff to do their jobs. Parents are apparently upset by this new educational arrangement because in many cases eDays will result in parents taking time off from work to be home with their little ones. Employees suggested that parents shouldn’t be so upset because planning weather-induced makeup school days is really hard to do, and the two vacation days that eDays will burn up were going to get wasted doing stupid stuff with their kids one way or another.
‘Enquirer’ Seeks Story Idea Help, Looks to Most Gullible Readers for Suggestions
It’s no secret that daily newspapers are struggling to build revenue through various paywall models. Why pay a for-profit media entity for news when your friends show you funny animal videos on multiple platforms you can watch while ignoring various social cues throughout the day? The Enquirer is currently working on a rather cutting-edge effort to get story ideas from people dumb enough to pay for news content by allowing select subscribers to go ahead and send in ideas for coverage — if enough people want to know why you can drive straight through the City Hall building, the electorate will be that much more enlightened! Theoretically, Enquirer readers will feel more engaged with the publication and reporters will feel a sense of accomplishment because getting page views is way better than taking oneself or one’s career seriously. The campaign, called “Your Choice,” has been described by an Enquirer spokesperson as the company’s latest effort to erase the memory of the 2012 “Word Scramble” contest that allowed its audience to write articles for the paper using tiny refrigerator magnets with words on them, which resulted mostly in people arranging them in ways that crudely made reference to sexual acts and penis shapes.
Report Commissioned by Parks Tax Supporters Finds Parks Tax Is a Great Idea
Although parks don’t have Wi-Fi signals that are anything to write home about, some humans believe they are an enjoyable type of place to visit from time to time. However, funding their operation can be tough because rich people already have big yards and don’t care about public spaces. As a result, entities like the Cincinnati USA Regional Chamber and the Cincinnati Business Committee have to get creative and do things like commission reports to explain that a tax levy is a solid idea when it comes to raising funds to keep our parks well-maintained and safe
perhaps with new restaurants and fewer trees inside them
. Such is the drama surrounding Issue 22, a property tax levy Mayor John Cranley is pushing that would allow him and the Park Board to spend millions of dollars now that everyone else will pay back later. Because the idea seems kinda out there, supporters commissioned a study that, GO FIGURE, suggests passing Issue 22 will result in a $117 million economic impact during its first 10 years. Despite the rosy projection and solid points made by the third person in line to argue the pro-tax side at an Enquirer debate Oct. 12 — Cranley refused to be on stage with any opponents because he doesn’t like people disagreeing with him, which is the basic premise of debate — many citizens are concerned that some of the projects would commercialize parks and take away from their intended use and function. The pro-parks-tax side has leaned heavily on the bike-friendly projects the revenue might fund, though some cyclists are concerned by the mayor’s history of building trails on the East Side while making urban riders ramp on and off sidewalks like they’re living out an extreme sports Nintendo game.
Gun Owners Near Site of Recent
Shooting Spree Ask Public Not
to be Upset by Gun Violence
It’s never a good time to talk about gun control, in part because gun nuts are very scary and also because America is typically only a few days or weeks past the most recent tragic mass shooting within its borders. When President Barack Obama recently flew out to the small town of Roseburg, Oregon to pay his respects to the nine killed and many injured in a mass shooting on a community college campus Oct. 1, he passed a collection of pro-gun people protesting his visit and the fascist philosophies behind background checks. Obama’s emotional and surprisingly direct call for congressional action on gun control might have been fueled by the attitudes of the protestors, which included a retired truck driver who told reporters there that the president was not welcome in their county. “He is exploiting the local tragedy with his gun control agenda,” he said, adding: “Everybody should carry a gun. An armed society is a polite society.” The man went on to explain that if he was president both domestic and foreign political issues that seem to confound current leaders would be solved by his road-tested “ass, grass or gas” policy.
Bengal
s
Wi
n
Again
,
Astrophysicist
Confirms This Is Real and Not
Part of Parallel Universe
It’s hard to remember all the words to the Bengals’ fight songs and rhetorical questions about who is going to defeat the Bengals in a jungle, because most of the time when people go to a game they end up blacking out drunk at some point before alcohol sales in the stadium are cut off. Despite such difficulties maintaining one’s facilities during the contests, Cincinnati’s pro football team has won all of its games, sitting in first place at 5-0. After last week’s cool win over the Seattle Seahawks, famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson dropped some knowledge on sports fans, explaining how the game-winning field goal that clanged off the upright — and then went through — was aided by the Coriolis effect, a scientific explanation of which direction things bounce based on the earth’s rotation. In the Who Deys’ case, the flying, spinning rock we call earth altered the football’s flight by 1/3 of an inch, pretty much making it bounce through the uprights and proving that the Seahawks suck.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Oct 14-20, 2015.
