Are women in 1999 still defining themselves by the accomplishments or occupations of their spouses or partners? CityBeat got heated response from both sides.Some say it is a “sexist” question that promotes false stereotypes.
Others say women simply are refusing to recognize that it still happens — a lot.
My English professor says that cultural values that existed in 17th century England still are with us 300 years later. The example reinforcing this statement is that some parents still tell their daughters to find stable husbands while they don’t tell their sons to find stable, moneymaking wives.
A few weeks ago on 20/20, actress Julia Roberts defined herself as being radiant only when she was around her boyfriend, actor Benjamin Bratt of Law & Order.
In fact, the majority of the interview concentrated on past and present men in her life without once crediting the actress with the ability to pull in $20 million a movie.
On almost every episode of the popular television show Ally McBeal, the character of the same name exclaims that she is unhappy without a man in her life. This, coming from a lawyer with many friends who is young at 29 years old, attractive and making at least a six-figure salary. The character also has landed on the cover of Time magazine with a headline reading: “Is Feminism Dead?”
These are women of the moment, the women being portrayed in 1999 — not 1699.
But instead of pounding on their chests and roaring, these women are defining themselves — or maybe it’s the media and scriptwriters — based upon on having or not having a man standing next to them.
“What I honestly think is that there are too many men writing for Ally McBeal,” says Renee Standera of Wyoming, a broadcast journalist who responded to CityBeat‘s survey. “But it is clear too many women are spending too much time looking for romance, when they could be emerging themselves in their own career. After all, that’s what men do.”
Women take their cues about how to define their self-worth from society more than any place else, Standera says.
“I call it the small-town mentality because it stems from these old, traditional values where the fathers married off the daughters,” she says. “This mentality is where women get the idea they are nobody unless their man is somebody.”
When she returns home for a visit, Standera, 27, is constantly asked when she is getting married.
“It’s always ‘Have you found a man yet,’ instead of ‘How is your job going?,’ ” she says.
It was only after she became independent and moved out of the small town that she realized there was more than just looking for “a guy that puts a big rock on you finger.”
Standera hopes that attitudes are changing.
“Let’s begin having the men in our lives bragging about us and being proud to be with us,” she says.
But many women told CityBeat that that time already had come.
Sharon Dean, an associate professor of English at the University of Cincinnati (UC) and the former associate director of the Women’s Studies program, says women have changed and do have their own identities.
“I think there is a lot of tension for women in relationships and the workplace because culturally we tend to denigrate the female as the inferior,” Dean says.
Although some cultural values “straight jacket” women, professional women are identifying themselves more by their career than by their partner’s career, she says.
“In my daughter’s class, the teacher asked the girls and the boys what they wanted to be, and all the girls identified a career,” Dean says. “At some crucial point, some women lose their focus on a career.”
But this is a small minority of women compared to the growing number of professional women, she says.
Part of the reason for that growth, she says, is simple economics.
“It tells us households need to have a double income,” she says.
And the new “reproductive technologies” have allowed for more choices, keeping women from depending on a man for motherhood, Dean says.
“Women can now make choices, but still these choices are more limited than a man’s,” she says.
Those limits are slowing change down, Dean says.
Deesha Dyer, of Corryville, who answered CityBeat”s survey, thinks women “talk the talk” about their self-worth not being connected with their partner, but act differently when they are in a social setting.
“Women still have the idea that they need to be the mother, even toward their spouse,” Dyer says. “So, when they are on their man’s arm at a party, they are simply showing off their work. They think they have helped the man get where he is, but really they haven’t done much because they haven’t helped themselves.”
Dyer is a 21-year-old student working toward a degree in elementary education.
“Women are lazy nowadays and have fallen back into depending on men,” Dyer says. “They are stopping their advancement because their man is supporting them. They don’t stop to think what happens when that man is no longer there.”
Dyer thinks this “laziness” is from images of women getting where they are — whether it be more money or a better position in life — because of a man.
“Look at Celine Dion or Ivana Trump, who have become what they are with help from men,” Dyer says. “I am not saying that’s the only reason they have made it, but women see that and think it’s the easy way to get where they want to go.”
No one really wants to say it out loud, but women still are way too dependent on men, Dyer says.
There could be a psychological reason why women make a connection through their spouse or partner, says Edna Rawlings, a clinical psychologist and psychology professor at UC.
“Women are more concerned with relationships than men, and are more likely to define themselves with other people,” she says. “They focus on any relationship in terms of a connection. Men just don’t see what a relationship does for them.”
It is difficult, Rawlings says, to classify all women in the same category because based on age, race and religion, women have different goals. But generally, women and men have different values, she says.
“There is a lot of pressure on men to succeed and to provide,” she says. “With women, there is an expectation that they need to be cooperative, caring and nurturing. These are seen as subordinate, whereas the men’s are seen as dominant.”
There is speculation on where these models come from, but society definitely plays a part, Rawlings says.
“I think it’s a confusing time for women where we are in a period of transition,” Rawlings says. “There is a confusion around women’s roles. Women don’t know which role to pick.”
One involves the traditional choice of a husband and children where women live through those elements. Another role has emerged, though, and women now have their own individuality, she says.
“This situation creates stress for the woman who wants to have it all,” Rawlings said. “There is still a strong cultural pressure out there that says it’s OK to be a professional, but you also need to do the traditional thing.”
Rawlings thinks that change is on the way as we head into the new millennium, but it will be a slow process.
That is not good news for Standera, who would like to return to her small town without having to face questions about a potential husband.
“I know we will continue at the same pace we have been,” Standera says. “But I’m hoping that some women will use the year 2000 as a target date. Maybe we will see women take on drastic changes and there will be a sharp move forward. Hopefully, we will see a woman president next year and that could cause some kind of positive reaction.”
One can always hope, can’t they?
This article appears in Jun 2-8, 1999.
