WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 13
This week’s Apple Event included a first look at upcoming iPhone models, tech news and other Apple announcements and a $3,000 pink jacket. Rolling out this fall are the iPhone 8, iPhone 8 Plus and (iGuess we’re just skipping the iPhone 9 and going straight to 10) “iPhone X,” symbolic of the phone’s 10th anniversary. The milestone is also reflected in iPhone X’s price, which is 10 x $100. All three models will feature wireless charging (which, iMsorry, is a lie since that shit has to plug into a wall) and a glass front and back, doubling the odds of getting an embarrassing spiderweb crack. The iPhone X will be all screen, no buttons and boast scary good facial recognition (even if the demo didn’t quite go as planned). The technological advance sparked discussion of animated emojis, realistic facial filters and just how you’ll be able to creep on your man’s convos when he’s not in the room. Oh, and Apple stores are now called “town squares.” OK, sure. But the spotlight-stealing moment goes to Apple retail chief Angela Ahrendts, who got a lot of attention for wearing a pink lace Burberry trenchcoat valued at $2,900. Who says people don’t pay attention to women in tech?
THURSDAY, SEPT. 14
The 21st season of South Park premiered this week with an episode taking on both white nationalists and digital assistants. On the lighter side, Cartman gets an Amazon Echo and begins to put in raunchy requests; meanwhile the audio was picked up by viewers’ smart speakers IRL. Coming from OG trolls Matt Stone and Trey Parker, this Alexa fuckery was no mistake, and folks with assistant-bots either appreciated the joke or had to unplug to end the ongoing loop of Echos. Next week’s ep will apparently take on North Korea. Alexa: Could a cartoon be responsible for world annihilation?
FRIDAY, SEPT. 15
Cincinnati doesn’t really have bodegas — we have gas stations and sketchy delis that might give you food poisoning — but in real cities, these mom-and-pop corner stores play a crucial role in urban neighborhoods. City-dwellers rely on bodegas for everything from minimal grocery basics to booze to late-night munchies. So naturally, some Silicon Valley bros want to cash in and gentrify that shit. This week two Google alums launched Bodega, a startup that takes all human interaction out of hitting the corner market. Essentially they’re fancy vending machines stocked with a variety of goods that automatically charges you for any product you pick up. In a twist of the knife, their logo is a cat — a nod to #BodegaCats that often populate these shops. We’ll see how keen these douchebags are on bodega cats when some of the felines they’ve displaced break into one of their million-dollar vending machines and turn it into their personal litter box…
SATURDAY, SEPT. 16
Christian Bale is going to play former Vice President Dick Cheney in a movie that is not at all a fantasy genre. Adam McKay of Step Brothers and Talladega Nights fame is directing a Dick biopic (biodick?) with ex-Batman as the lead. (And no, Will Ferrell is not playing Dubya, which is a total missed opportunity. Sam Rockwell nabbed that one.) Christian Bale is going full Christian Bale for the flick, chunking up significantly for the role. How is he managing this feat? Pie. Bale told Variety that he’s begun his transformation by eating “lots of pies.” How courageous! Don’t you love how whenever an actor gains weight for a role, journalists rush to ask them how they possibly manage, like it’s some incredible mysterious feat? #Brave
SUNDAY, SEPT. 17
Sunday marked the 69th (heh) annual Emmy Awards, and one thing was for sure: These Hollywood celebrities did not stick to acting and did not keep politics out of it. Cue the tweets! Host Stephen Colbert kicked off the show with a song about something quite familiar: Drowning out the world’s problems by thrusting ourselves into the fictional drama of TV land. Everything is better on TV! Colbert remarked how if Donald Trump would have won an Emmy years ago, maybe he wouldn’t have run for president. None other than Sean Spicer appeared to confirm this was the most-viewed Emmys EVER!, which garnered an uproarious response… Hold up, are we getting a little too comfortable with key Trump players post-White House? For a room full of Trump haters, they sure gave Spicey a warm reception. Elsewhere, we saw a hilarious Westworld skit that envisioned Colbert as a glitching “host”; a 9 to 5 cast reunion featured Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda (new face, who dis?); RuPaul personified the golden Emmy; and Donald Glover, Lena Waithe, Riz Ahmed all made diverse Emmy history. The night’s biggest winner? Oprah, who despite getting zero nominations was shouted out in half of the acceptance speeches due to being sat in the front row like the queen she is.
MONDAY, SEPT. 18
Remember when Cincinnati hosted the failed Taco Festival earlier this summer? NYC experienced its own version with the recent New York Pizza Festival, where attendees paid 75 bucks to enjoy a carby, cheesy wonderland. Instead, fest-goers claim they received tiny slivers of cold ’za after waiting for hours in long lines. Sound familiar? Luckily tickets are being refunded, but let it be a lesson to us all: Don’t go to the McDonald’s equivalent of local food fests.
TUESDAY, SEPT. 19
This week in questionable decisions: Martin Shkreli offered $5,000 to anyone who could “grab a hair” from Hillary Clinton; Jessica Biel’s fancy restaurant for celebrities’ children got sued for withholding tips; Jon Cooper, chairman of the Democratic Coalition Against Trump, tweeted a photo of Busy Philipps from Freaks and Geeks thinking it was a young Sarah Huckabee Sanders; an Arkansas administrative official admitted to using public funds to buy a tuxedo for her pug; and Andy Dalton led the famous Chicken Dance at Oktoberfest even though the city hates him for no reason.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Sep 20-27, 2017.