Well-Reasoned Editorial Appears in ‘Enquirer’ Comparing Gay Marriage to Incest
Whenever out of touch folks from affluent suburbs share their opinions, they need to be taken with a grain of salt. Sometimes a grain of salt doesn’t suffice and we need to reject what they say wholly, as it is reflective of the days of separate water fountains and societally promoted hatred toward your fellow Americans. Readers hoping that Mason attorney Kenneth Craycraft Jr.’s opinion piece in The Cincinnati Enquirer “Sibling marriage? Why not?” was satirically titled quickly found out they were wrong and that this guy actually believes that “if marriage is a fundamental and inviolable right under the Fourteenth Amendment, why must it be limited to same-sex, otherwise non-related, couples? Why doesn’t the same constitutional principle apply to plural marriages? Or to otherwise closely related couples? Why not marriages between brothers and sisters? Uncles and nieces?” This line of logic follows the antiquated notion that gays were all pedophiles and kids can’t be trusted with them, and it is terribly offensive for reasons that are obvious to most. People largely ignored this piece and the idiotic message it puts forth, but the amount of negative feedback it has received was still large enough to make our local paper consider reserving opinion columns from crotchety haters for those who want to rant about annoying younger Bengals fans who text message on their phones and stand up during exciting parts of the game.
Hamilton County Democrats Put Positive Spin on Losing Mass Elections
We can all agree that it’s a good thing that election season is over. No matter which highly compensated shill for influential, rich lobbyists you were rooting for, it’s got to be a relief that we can get back to wasting our lives watching TV without seeing politicians pull all sorts of sleazy shit to win the popularity contest that two-thirds of America didn’t take the time to participate in. Locally, Team Republicans bested Team Democrats by a score of 5-2 in terms of elections won and lost. Hamilton County Democratic Chairman Tim Burke told The Enquirer “I’m not trying to be Pollyanna — we got our asses handed to us.” Instead of focusing on the losses suffered, local Democrats point to a bright future in which the populace gets fed up with the people they just voted into office and want to vote new people in next election, which will work out just fine until people get fed up with Democrats again and want to go back to voting Republican.
Next Time Someone Calls You “Stupid,” Blame This Virus
A great part about being alive these days is that scientists are constantly striving to find ways to make us feel better about ourselves. The days of having to admit that it’s your fault that you don’t know very much or how to do things well will soon be a thing of the past. Researchers from Johns Hopkins University and the University of Nebraska working a completely unrelated experiment have found what they’ve dubbed the “stupidity virus” in the throat cultures of healthy test subjects. Nearly half (44 percent) of those who tested positive scored 7 to 9 points lower on IQ tests and had shorter attention spans. To think that microorganisms are to blame for how stupid most people are rather than their resistance to learning or caring about things is an earth-shattering concept. We were going to finish reading the article about this and come up with a more informed opinion on the data presented within, but reading makes us tired.
SEAL Team 6 Member Breaks Code of Silence; Everyone Wishes He Didn’t
A member of the team that killed Osama bin Laden has shared his recollection of how the raid that brought the terrorist to justice was carried out, a move that has not been well-received by members of the U.S. Naval Special Warfare Command and most other people. Rob O’Neill went public with claims recently that he is the one who shot bin Laden, and that he “died like a pussy.” This classy remark earned a stern rebuke from Force Master Chief Michael Magaraci and Rear Adm. Brian Losey, who noted in a letter that “acritical tenant (sic) of our Ethos is ‘I do not advertise the nature of my work, nor seek recognition for my actions.” In response, O’Neill was like “Screw that. Call me a motivational speaker and let me try to profit off of this as much as I can.” O’Neill’s remarks could be a breach of classified information, and remarks like “the team got him. It was a successful mission. Regardless of the negativity that comes with it, I don’t give a fuck…” makes him sound like a jackass, but the SEAL Team 6 shooter admits that he isn’t perfect. In fact, given the opportunity to glamorize and embellish the tale of killing bin Laden all over again, O’Neill admitted that he would have included something about kicking the world’s most wanted terrorist “square in the nuts” upon first encountering him.
Tensions Escalate Between China and Russia over “Coatgate”
If politics had more enthralling ’80s-’90s WWF plot lines, perhaps more people would be interested in them. What we do know is that people like scandals that get their own names, and a quick moment during an Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation event in Beijing on Nov. 10 has given the world precisely this gift. The drama centers on Russian President Vladimir Putin slipping a shawl over the shoulders of Peng Liyuan, wife of Chinese President Xi Jinping, during a fireworks display. China thought this was not cool, since Putin already looks macho as hell and knows karate and cool Russian animals very well. China edited this footage and removed all references to it in media there, sparking speculation that citizens of earth may soon be relieved of their mountains of debt, unrewarding jobs and general feelings of discontent brought on by the winter months courtesy of the kick-off of World War III.
letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Nov 12-18, 2014.