Maybe you’re the kind of family that heads to the cinema post-Christmas celebrations. Or maybe you just don’t partake and need something — anything! — to do on your day off. Either way, a wealth of films have hit the silver screen this holiday season, from the vibrant and warmly rendered remake of Little Women to the Adam Sandler-starring and much-praised Uncut Gems to blockbuster Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker. Oh. And there’s also Cats.
If you’d rather watch a truly bizarre Santa Claus flick, though, Clifton’s Esquire Theatre has got you. On Christmas Eve (5 p.m.) and day (7:30 p.m.) they’ll be screening 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, the screen debut of actress/singer Pia Zadora. In the film, Martians come to Earth to kidnap Saint Nick himself because there’s no one on their own planet to give their kiddos gifts. Can we blame them? But young earthlings Billy and Betty were also taken in the heat of the crime. The duo work to save Santa and, in turn, Christmas itself. Slapstick and filmed in what was advertised as “Space-Blazing” color, the flick regularly appears on lists of the worst films ever made. You might even recognize it as having been featured on a classic episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
To top things off, there’s also a bouncing-ball “Jingle Bells” sing-along involved. If laughably bad entertainment is your thing, this is as good as any gift to give yourself. It’s not the only Xmas movie the Esquire is pulling from their archives; you can also catch 2004’s The Polar Express on Christmas Day (2 p.m), an animated feature in which Tom Hanks — for some reason — voices nearly every character.
For tickets and more info, visit esquiretheatre.com.
This article appears in Dec 11-24, 2019.
