Looking for color in downtown dining? Hamburger Mary’s is the Crayola 96-pack. “Eat … Drink … and Be Mary!” is the restaurant’s mantra. The drinking and “Mary-making” are what matters here. The food will curb your hunger, but the scandalous atmosphere will nourish the drama queen inside. Oh, and don’t be surprised if you’re called “honey” at least once.
The Scene
Established in San Francisco in 1972, Mary’s is a small franchise that caters to gay/lesbian communities, in particular — and everyone else, in general, — with its straight, all-American fare. Owner Peter Lafoon quit a job selling bonds to open the Queen City outpost last December.
Inside, a hodgepodge of pop artifacts adorn fuchsia and turquoise walls. The first thing you do after sitting down is look around.
Then you spend a few minutes in nostalgic conversation about, say, The Incredible Hulk, hulking about on a lunchbox above. Look for Nancy Sinatra, Mickey and Minnie, Wonder Woman and perhaps a silent video of Valley of the Dolls. If conversation turns to something like forensics (ours does), it’s easy to just zone out and pretend to be really intrigued by, say, Jane Fonda’s outfit in yonder poster.
The Scoop
Mary’s ironically lives up to the menu’s disclaimer — Everything Mary likes is illegal, immoral or fattening … except for these. They even use low-fat beef. For all the devious descriptions, the food is rather chaste.
Oohs and aahs come over the Marytini list on a recent weeknight visit. Sitting down with our party of four on a chair placed specifically for this purpose, the server recommends all of the martinis except the Queen City Punch. We try his favorite, Junebug ($6.45), a green concoction of Malibu, Midori, and pineapple and orange juice; and Almond Joy ($5.95), a smooth sip of Malibu, Amaretto and Crème de Cocao.
Starting with Macho Mary ($3.95 half-order) nachos and Cheese Fries ($3.95 half-order), I forget to request that one be made vegetarian (without chili). Luckily, I’m more enraptured with my sleek martini than what appears to be its messy nemeses center-table.
My friends deem the thick chili “timid” spice-wise. Cheddar, olives, onions and jalapenos dress the nachos, while the fries keep it simple and gooey with chili and cheese.
Vegetarians are limited to a few sandwiches, salads and Boca burgers ($1 upcharge on any of the burger specialties). Entrées include Chicken Cordon Bleu ($7.95) — “Mary’s biggest breast” — and dinner specials. But beef is the menu’s centerfold.
My friends order a round of burgers: Blue Boy ($7.75), with bleu cheese and bacon; Hawaiian ($7.95) with pineapple, bacon, cheese and Teriyaki; and Avocado ($7.95) with dressing and sprouts (specially requested). These come between white, multi-grain or Hawaiian sweet buns with a side of fruit, coleslaw (run-of-the-mill) or “spicy fries” (good, but about as spicy as McDonald’s).
Everyone agrees that the burgers (ordered medium) are dry. Thick, super-absorbent buns don’t help. The multi-grain is stiff and over-processed, missing the nutty, porous texture of really fresh grain bread.
Observe one attempt at feedback:
“How’s the burger?”
“The pineapple’s good.”
My Healthy Mary ($6.50) is a joyful, salad-on-a-bun skyscraper of cream cheese, tomatoes, sprouts and at least half an avocado. Blue Cheese dressing is indiscernible, but unnecessary. Though not as juicy in the mouth as on the menu, the food’s presentation is rather sexy. The voluptuous sandwiches are suggestively stabbed with a knife rather than a toothpick.
Finally, the Sin arrives — White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake ($4.50), New York-style, with raspberry sauce, Oreo crust and hearts and smiley faces in syrupy plate graffiti.
The Sizzle
Where Mary’s dish falls short of devious, the atmosphere compensates. Weekly specials include “Maryoke” on Thursdays, “Hump Day” (dance party) on Wednesdays and the infamous Mary’s Boys dancers on Tuesdays (not the night to take Grandma). Check the calendar (hamburgermaryscinci.com) for special events like theme parties and drag shows. Take your appetite for eye candy, and if your stomach growls, by all means feed it. Stick to the messiest chow and you’ll be fine … honey. ©
Go: 911 Vine St., Downtown
Call: 513-381-MARY
Hours: Monday-Thursday 11:30 a.m.-11 p.m. for food (Bar til 1 a.m.); Friday-Saturday 11:30 a.m.-1 a.m. (Bar til 2 a.m.); Sunday Brunch Noon-3 p.m., Dinner 5-11 p.m.
Prices: Moderate
Payment: All major credit cards
Red Meat Alternatives: An unabashed celebration of red meat, but Mary’s offers chicken choices, two vegetarian-friendly sandwiches, Boca burgers and salads.
This article appears in Sep 25 – Oct 1, 2002.