Cover Story: Even More Savage

Editor’s Note: Due to space constraints, CityBeat runs about two-thirds of the Savage Love available to us each week. Yes, there’s more savage advice out there in the ether that you haven’t seen yet.

To celebrate love and Vanlentine’s Day, here’s a sampling of Savage Love’s Missed Hits. Enjoy!

I am a 31-year-old straight woman in a monogamous, serious, two-year relationship. My boyfriend, 29, is the well-adjusted co-founder of a consulting firm. He’s very mature, loving, patient and trustworthy. He often tells me that he’s going to marry me. We are not engaged. He also constantly talks about wanting to have a threesome with another woman.

We were talking about his fantasy recently (the catalyst: a woman hit on us at a bar but things didn’t work out) when he asked me, “If I never propose, do you think you will eventually marry someone else?”

I answered truthfully, “Yes.” He then told me that’s how he feels about his fantasy of a threesome: If we never do it together, he will do it with someone else. I am actually quite into the idea, but I was shocked to learn that he intends to have a threesome whether or not it’s with me.

I asked him why his fantasy has to become reality when the majority of heterosexual men have this same fantasy and most never have it fulfilled, and most accept that it will probably never happen. He replied that men who deny themselves and grudgingly accept their lot in life are prime candidates for cheating on their wives.

Should I be concerned about his fidelity? I have always trusted him but now I’m having doubts. To make matters worse, he now says that he can’t get into the fantasy if he knows that I’m doing it just for him. He wants me to initiate the three-way and would love nothing more than for me to “admit” that I’m bi.

We have agreed not to talk about this until we have cooled down a bit and can talk about it calmly. We have had major issues before and have been able to work through all of them. I’d hate to see our relationship falter because of something like this.

Yes, you should be concerned about his ability to remain faithful. My God, he told you that he’s going to have a threesome whether you’re in the room or not. That means he’ll either do it behind your back or do it with his next girlfriend after you two break up. Look, he’s being very clear about what he wants out of a sexual relationship. If you’re unwilling to meet his needs, or if you think his needs are creepy — and there is something creepy about him wanting you to “admit” you’re bi; if he wants to date a bi girl, why doesn’t he go find a bi girl? — perhaps you should dump this sensitive, loving guy.

Of course, it does seem like a shame to dump him, especially if he’s as wonderful as you say and you’re genuinely into the idea of having a threesome. As I see it, all he’s guilty of is telling you just how important this fantasy is to him. Somehow you managed to find the only honest straight guy on earth. Do you really want to dump him?

I need some advice on my situation. I am living with a gay man I used to have a crush on. Our relationship has been totally “Will & Grace” until now. Recently, he’s been telling me that I am the only woman he’s been attracted to in a long time and that I’m his soul mate, but he’s quick to add that I don’t have the right equipment. The other night he told me that he was having sexual dreams about me! I am very confused by all of this. I was over my feelings for him, and I don’t want to start my crush up again. But I don’t want to ruin our friendship. How do I handle this?

Let me guess: Once you were over your crush on “Will,” you stopped letting him walk all over you, right? You stopped following him around like a puppy and stopped letting him take you for granted, right? And that’s why Will has started telling you he’s attracted to you. He wants to start up your crush again because he could get away with murder when you were this love-struck, easily-manipulated fag hag. How do you handle this? You tell Will to get his manipulative ass out of your apartment.

Recently, I went to a concert. A guy in the crowd and I hit it off, and there was a fair amount of groping. At the end of the night, the guy asked for my phone number. This was on a Wednesday. On Friday, I came home from work and there was a message from the guy. He told me that it had been a pleasure to meet me and said he wanted to get together. He said he would try to catch me later and then added that his cell phone battery was dying and gave me a talk-to you later. Now it’s Tuesday night, and NUTHIN’. Why the heck did he make that phone call in the first place if he wasn’t gonna call back? What sense does it make for a guy to call, leave a message and not leave a number where he can be reached?

Just as men shouldn’t expect sex in exchange for “friendly” back rubs, women shouldn’t expect men to make sense. Maybe he’s dead, maybe he’s got a girlfriend/wife or maybe he’s just stupid and rude. But if I were a betting man, I’d say the guy’s attached. Let’s do the math: He didn’t give you his number, he called you from a cell phone and he didn’t leave a number where you could reach him? Add it up, Puzzled.

My older sister is marrying the father of her 6-month-old. The problem is that until last year she was a lesbian. Every time my sister talks about her wedding, I want to gag. Does she really think that people don’t remember the militant lesbian she was not two years ago? Now she puts down lesbians whenever she can, which really hurts me, considering that I’m a lesbian. My dad is ecstatic that she has converted (he’s super-religious). I feel like I can’t trust anything my sister says or does. Any words of advice?

Before offering advice, I would like to commiserate. Ten years ago, I had three lesbian pals. Today, one of them is married to a man, another is living with a man and the third is a man. Oddly enough, none of the gay men I know have ever run off and married a woman, dated a woman or become a woman. When I think about my three lesbian buddies — and other famous ex-lezzies, like Anne Heche — I think, “Gee, what is it about being a dyke that’s so easily shrugged off?”

As for your sister, LAS: While you can’t stop your sister from getting hitched, nowhere is it written that you have to play along with the homophobic amnesia. Tell your sister that unless she knocks off the put-downs, you will seize every opportunity to remind her, her husband and your dear ol’ dad just what a world-class carpet-muncher she used to be. And when the dumb breeder’s child is old enough to understand carpet-munchin’, you’ll make damn sure the kid knows mom spent several years face-down in deep shag.

Please help me! Last week, while playing soccer with some friends I had the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Something very funny happened and, when I started laughing, I lost control of my bladder. A fully-grown woman, I wet my pants in front of all of my friends. We’re talking pee-stains-down-the-pant-leg wet. This hasn’t happened to me since kindergarten, so I have been trying to figure out the cause of this incident. I’m in the middle of a sexual dry-spell and have, for the past month or two, depended on a vibrator to get myself off. The entire week before the pee incident I used my vibrator about twice a day. Could it be that my vibrator is somehow weakening muscles that keep my bladder under control? If not, how can I make sure this never happens again?

“If you’re using your vibrator and having orgasms, then you’re exercising the muscles down there,” said Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good For Her, a sex-toy store in Toronto. “If anything, using a vibrator makes your bladder control muscles stronger, because you’re experiencing contractions through orgasm.” Jansen, of course, makes her living selling vibrators. If there was, say, some connection between using a vibrator and wetting your pants, would Jansen tell us about it? “I have a vested interest in providing every woman on the planet with a vibrator,” Jansen admitted. “But I’m telling you the truth. I swear. The muscles down there are like any other muscles. You’ve got to use them or lose them.”

I’m a straight guy who has no problems with the gay lifestyle. But going back to my apartment one night two gay guys got in the tiny elevator of our building with me and proceeded to French kiss for 11 slowly-passing floors. I was repulsed. At first I thought I was disgusted at the public display of affection. But upon reflection I realized that if the couple were a man and woman I probably wouldn’t have been bothered, and if it were two women I probably would have been aroused. So am I a bigot? Conversely, I was wondering if some gays react to forced exposure to hetero PDA with as much disgust?

Hetero PDA is everywhere you look — on streets, in movies and right up there on the altar in front of God and everybody. Consequently, most gays don’t flinch when forced to witness hetero PDA, as what’s one more man on top of one more woman, if you’ve been exposed to that sort of thing all your life? Unless the guy is really cute, hetero PDA hardly even registers with homos.

Are you a bigot? An anti-gay bigot wouldn’t send some fag advice columnist a letter stressing out about whether he’s an anti-gay bigot. No, a bigot would’ve beat up two fags in the elevator, or at least attempted to beat them up. These days bigots who try to beat up homos often wind up getting beaten up themselves. So take care, bigots.

So why did the homo PDA stress you out? Because PDAs, be they homo, hetero or bestial, stress everyone out — except the inconsiderate horndogs committing them. Public displays of affection always disgust witnesses, regardless of sexual orientation. You write that you would’ve been aroused by two chicks making out the elevator. That’s speculative! In your imagination, it’s a turn-on because the women making out in your elevator are the kind of over-made-up sluts who appear in “lesbian” porn produced for straight men. In reality, the live lesbians making out in your elevators would probably be a couple of unattractive women with big shoes and facial hair. I guarantee you would have been just as disgusted witnessing that distressing scene. (This isn’t intended to disparage dykes but merely to point out that in reality most people are unattractive.)

Do I have an obligation to come out to my parents? I’m a polyamorous, bisexual college student whose parents already think I’m a slut. They’ve seen me with various boys (and close female “friends”) since high school, but I think that explaining the ins and outs of my sexual orientation, while it might be good for me, might also be more trouble than it’s worth. I caught an STD last year and had to rely on my mother’s insurance to fix the plumbing. Imagine how unpleasant it was to be told by her that it was a “tough price to pay,” with the implied codicil, “for being a ho.” Plus, the situation as it stands is quite manageable. Do you think that I ought to come clean?

Spare your parents the coming-out speech. The overwhelming majority of girls who identify as polyamorous bisexuals in college wind up in conventional marriages by the time they’re 30. While you might be the most adventurous, tough-price-paying, polyamorous slut on campus right now, come middle age odds are good that you’ll be someone’s boring, Target-shopping, monogamous spouse. When you settle down, you’re going to feel mighty silly about any too-much-information/coming-out speeches you subjected your long-suffering parents to back when you were a ho.

Recently, my boyfriend of two years proposed. I am extremely happy except for one thing: I am a virgin, and I plan on remaining one until the wedding night. My fiancé, however, has slept with other women. I am really scared that he will find that I am inept at sex. I really love this man, but I cannot sleep with him until the big day. Do you have any tips on how to wow him?

Your fears are well founded, WNW: On your wedding night your new husband will most likely find you to be inept — because you will be inept. Sex is a complicated business, and getting good at it takes time, practice and experience. Why does no one expect to be a good driver the first time they get behind the wheel or to bake a perfect cake the first time they walk into a kitchen, yet expect to be mind-blowing lovers the very first time they have sex?

Anyway, kiddo, there are no sex tips that can make an inexperienced virgin perform like a seasoned pro on her wedding night. You’re just going to have to embrace and celebrate your sexual ineptitude. Tell your fiancé as often as you can that while you’re looking forward to having sex with him you’re also nervous about being a virgin. Tell him you’re relying on him to help you become — with time and through trial and error — a mind-blowing lover.

If you can keep his expectations in check, he won’t be too crushed by your first inept, awkward, fumbling attempts at sexual intercourse. Good luck!

I’ve been separated from my wife for more than a year. Shortly after we split up, I started what I thought would be a rebound relationship. Eleven months later, I think I’ve found the love of my life. The problem is my new girlfriend refuses to tell her mates that I’m her boyfriend because she says she’s worried what they’ll think about her going out with someone who’s technically still married. I love her very much, but I feel like a real chump for being with someone who is basically saying that she’s too ashamed to admit that I’m her man. Am I a chump or am I drawing the wrong conclusions about her reluctance to acknowledge our love?

I don’t see this as an either/or situation. I mean, isn’t it possible that you’re both a chump and drawing the wrong conclusions? That said, there’s only one way to find out if she’s telling you the truth: Get a divorce. I mean, if you’re in a hurry for her friends to know you two are an item, then hurry up and get technically single. If she still refuses to tell her friends about you after you’re finally and officially divorced, well, then she was definitely playing you for a chump. But if she tells her friends right away, well, then perhaps she actually was concerned about what her friends might think.

I’ve been dating a guy for almost two years. We recently split because of his mother and his ex-girlfriend, who he was with for 12 years. His ex-girlfriend lives in an apartment in his mother’s house. This girl and her new boyfriend are “regulars” at family gatherings and even use the family vacation home! My boyfriend insists that his ex-girlfriend is a “member of the family” and “just a friend.” My boyfriend’s mother, who knows I don’t approve, invites this girl to family gatherings knowing that I refuse to come if his ex-girlfriend is invited.

It’s her right to invite whomever she cares to, but I feel that it’s an insult to me for her to invite this girl now that I’m a part of her son’s life. I was left alone on Christmas because I refused to take part of their family gathering knowing this girl would be there. Part of me feels that my boyfriend has been brainwashed by his mother into believing that this situation is OK. Any suggestions?

I have one suggestion: Grow up.

You might be a part of your boyfriend’s life, but his ex was a part of his life — and, by extension, his mother’s life — for 12 years. So when your boyfriend tells you his ex is a member of his family, he’s not feeding you some line. After 12 years, his ex is a member of the family, and if you want to be a member of his family, you’re going to have to accept her presence.

Being around people you don’t necessarily like is the price we all pay at holidays for having families. Asking your boyfriend’s mother to exclude (or evict) someone she’s known and loved for 12 years, someone with whom she has a relationship independent of her son, all because her son is seeing someone who’s manipulative and insecure isn’t going to endear you to anyone. Given the choice between her son’s pleasant ex-girlfriend and the manipulative, insecure little bitch he’s dating now, your boyfriend’s mother is going to choose the ex every time.

You obviously don’t know a good thing when you’ve got it. Any sane person would be anxious to be part of family that doesn’t turn its back on in-laws when a relationship doesn’t work out. Your boyfriend’s family sounds healthy and well-adjusted. If that’s not to your taste, there are plenty of guys out there with unhealthy, screwed-up families that might be more to your liking.

This article appears in Feb 6-12, 2002.