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M oney is the great peacemaker. If The Eagles could bury the hatchet and go out on the road to rake in disgusting amounts of cash, then it should be no surprise that Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel were able to set aside their notorious differences and re-join forces for a massive tour that stops at U.S. Bank Arena June 20.
A look at the ticket prices for some of the dates reveals that, for a primo seat, you’d better set up a meeting with your bank loan officer ASAP. For the kind of payday P-Si and G-Funk are going to enjoy when it’s all said and done, you could probably get the Beastie Boys to agree to have a reanimated Hitler open up for them on tour.
In some cities, the top S&G ticket nears $250; lucky local fans get a break, having to shell out only about $185 for the best floor seats. Which got us to thinking — are there not better things to do with $185 this summer than spend it on the opportunity to count Art Garfunkel’s nose hairs and listen to some snoozy, almost 40-year-old Folk/Pop anthems?
Always the helpful ones, CityBeat offers a few options.
· Pick up a pair of kneepads ($19.99; dicksporting goods.com), a cheerleader megaphone ($24.95; spiritsquad.com) and a copy of Garfunkel: The Best Of ($14.99;
M oney is the great peacemaker. If The Eagles could bury the hatchet and go out on the road to rake in disgusting amounts of cash, then it should be no surprise that Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel were able to set aside their notorious differences and re-join forces for a massive tour that stops at U.S. Bank Arena June 20.
A look at the ticket prices for some of the dates reveals that, for a primo seat, you’d better set up a meeting with your bank loan officer ASAP. For the kind of payday P-Si and G-Funk are going to enjoy when it’s all said and done, you could probably get the Beastie Boys to agree to have a reanimated Hitler open up for them on tour.
In some cities, the top S&G ticket nears $250; lucky local fans get a break, having to shell out only about $185 for the best floor seats. Which got us to thinking — are there not better things to do with $185 this summer than spend it on the opportunity to count Art Garfunkel’s nose hairs and listen to some snoozy, almost 40-year-old Folk/Pop anthems?
Always the helpful ones, CityBeat offers a few options.
· Pick up a pair of kneepads ($19.99; dicksporting goods.com), a cheerleader megaphone ($24.95; spiritsquad.com) and a copy of Garfunkel: The Best Of ($14.99; amazon.com). Put the CD on, play at low volume, kneel in front of the speakers and shout berating and belittling insults through your new bullhorn. Look at you, you’re Paul Simon!
Monk haircut optional. Your total: $59.93.
· Maybe you’re a Garfunkel kind of guy or gal? Grab a home perm kit ($6.99; walgreens.com), splurge on the Paul Simon import CD Greatest Hits: Shining Like a National Guitar ($29.99; amazon.com) and grab a Sharpie (83 cents; branders.com) and a piece of poster board (less than $1; Bigg’s). Get your ‘fro going, write “How’s About a Reunion, Buddy” or “Will Harmonize for Food” on your board and sit submissively through Simon’s retrospective. No back talk! Your total: $38.
· Check out a good rootsy, poppy duo, local faves Messerly and Ewing (see “Burning CDs” on page 5), at Arlin’s this summer (free). Drink feverishly, tip generously. Your total: $184 (unless you’re a lightweight).
· Buy a portable DVD player with a screen ($149.99; sears.com) and the Concert in Central Park DVD ($11.24; amazon.com). Use $20 to bribe the security guard at U.S. Bank Arena to let you sneak in when no one’s around and sit quietly in the front row and watch the disc. Just the like the concert, minus the guy sitting next to you yelling “Bridge Over Troubled Water!” Your total: $181.23.
· Grab a copy of the Anthology of American Folk Music box set ($76.49; amazon.com) and spend the summer reading about and listening to the pioneers S&G ripped off to become millionaires. Your total: $76.49.
· Get a pack of Top “cigarette” rolling papers ($1.19; pipesandcigars.com) and a Bic lighter ($1.02, branders.com). Go to americanspice.com and purchase one bottle each of parsley ($2.95), sage ($3.10), rosemary ($3.49) and thyme ($3.89). Finally, buy a copy of The Graduate on DVD ($16.38; amazon.com). Plug in the DVD and fire it up, dude. (Disclaimer: CityBeat makes no claims to the potency of parsley, sage, rosemary or thyme). Your total: $32.02.
· Buy the film rights to Paul Simon’s failed Broadway musical The Capeman. Burn even more money by literally burning a $50 bill ($50). Feel guilty, get depressed and eat six pints of Graeter’s raspberry chip ice cream ($90; greaters.com). Your total: $145. ©
This article appears in Jun 2-8, 2004.
