SpaceX Launch Sets SoCal Sky, Internet Ablaze
A SpaceX rocket launch in Southern California the night of Dec. 22 created quite a buzz when it left a crazy trail in the night sky. Popular Science explains that the rocket passed through an area in the atmosphere where the air was very cold and dry, causing the exhaust to freeze quickly. Because the launch was just after sunset, these markings were illuminated in the dark sky. Shit was pretty cool! But it could also be terrifying if you didn’t know about the launch. Cali dwellers — including lots of celebrities — turned to social media with pictures and videos wondering WTF was going on. Was this skyborne phenomenon an early Santa Claus spotting? Chemtrails on steroids? ALIENS? Theories abound! There were so many 911 calls in Los Angeles, the mayor and LAFD had to put out advisory messages explaining that it was simply a rocket carrying satellites and not anything more sinister. Even SpaceX founder and CEO Elon Musk jumped in the mix, posting a video of the rocket launching through the night sky captioned, “Nuclear alien UFO from North Korea.” It’s all fun and games to everyone except singer Demi Lovato, who isn’t buying it. “I’m calling bullshit on SpaceX’s excuse,” she said on Twitter. “That shit’s a UFO and there’s been others that have been seen that are just like it!!”
Mexican Fish Orgies Are Deafening Dolphins
When humans have loud sex parties, people call the cops to break them up. When fish have deafening orgies, people call to protect them! The Mexican corvina is a special fish that has a mating call likened to a machine gun. Every spring, hundreds of thousands of corvina travel to the Colorado River Delta in Mexico’s Gulf of California to mate, and it is loud. Loud enough to temporarily or even permanently deafen nearby sea lions or dolphins. But that’s not even the problem researchers are worried about. The sounds emitted by these horny animals can also be heard by fishers, making the tasty corvina easy to track down and catch en masse — so much so that species is at risk of extinction. Corvina are even becoming smaller, a sign of overfishing. Sex noises that can deafen sea creatures and alert fishermen above the water? I’ve heard of faking it but this is ridiculous!
Stars in the Slammer: Christmas Eve Edition
The stress of the holidays is real. All the high-stress shopping, hosting extended family members, traffic, sudden weight gain and the cold emptiness once it’s all over can be more than some can handle. At least that’s one way to explain rich, famous women getting their asses arrested on Dec. 24. Let’s start where all the best hot messes arise: in Florida. The Countess herself, Real Housewives of New York star Luann de Lesseps, was arrested early last Sunday morning in Palm Beach, Fla. after attacking a cop while screaming, “I’m going to kill you all.” Before that, she and a dude were caught sneaking into a hotel room unlocked by housekeeping. When the police tried to get them out, de Lesseps attacked! They handcuffed Lu and placed her in a cop car, but she was able to slip out of the cuffs and tried to escape the car and threatened to smoke their asses. When police finally wrangled the reality star, she was charged with disorderly intoxication, battery on an officer/firefighter/EMT, resisting arrest with violence and threatening a public servant. The Countess blamed her actions on buried emotions that reemerged when visiting Palm Beach for the first time since she got married there one year ago (she announced her divorce in August). At least your holiday hangover wasn’t that bad. Meanwhile in Los Angeles, My Big Fat Greek Wedding actress Lainie Kazan was caught shoplifting $180 worth of food from a San Fernando Valley grocery store. She just placed her haul in reusable bags and brought it out to a car, where she reportedly said she didn’t have any money. Kazan was taken to a police station and released. You know, in some circles, forgetting your reusable grocery bags is actually more frowned upon than forgetting your wallet.
I’m Dreaming of a Green Christmas
It’s tragic when you hear about a family’s Christmas presents being stolen before the holidays. But what about the opposite, when illegal gifts get confiscated by the feds? Still sad! One family is out 60 pounds of marijuana meant to be given as Christmas gifts after cops pulled over a truck full of green in Nebraska. The Jirons — 83-year-old Patrick and 70-year-old Barbara — claimed they’re not drug dealers, they’re more like Mr. and Mrs. Claus, because the pot was intended for friends and family on the East Coast. That’s a more thoughtful gift than anything I received this year. Justice for Santa’s little helpers!
Chrissy Teigen’s Tokyo U-Turn
No, that’s not the working title for The Fast and the Furious 27 (though it should be) — it’s the hell in air that Teigen, John Legend and about 200 other passengers on a recent flight from LAX to Tokyo experienced last week. Four hours into an 11-hour flight to Japan, it was announced that a passenger was on the wrong plane and, rather than having that passenger find another flight once they landed, the pilot pulled a U-ie and headed back to L.A. Obviously, Tiegs live-tweeted the entire ordeal. Apparently the passenger in question was indeed flying to Tokyo but had a ticket from another airline, prompting questions about how they even got onboard in the first place. After eight hours and 20 minutes on a flight to nowhere, everyone exited the plane and onto another so the mortified person desperately trying to hide the fact that they caused the clusterfuck wasn’t publicly outed. Police interviewed people seated around this person and eventually people found other flights or went to hotels. As for why Teigen and Legend we’re flying among the mortals on commercial, she acknowledged the fact that they’re rich, but they’re not private-plane-to-Tokyo rich: “A lot of people have been asking this and I would just like you all to know that a round trip international private flight is like…300,000 dollars.”
This Week in Questionable Decisions…
1. Trump calls Rep. Steve Scalise’s shooting injury “a hell of a way to lose weight.”
2. A Vontaze Burfict dummy was spotted hanging from a noose in Pittsburgh. Stay classy, Steelers fans.
3. After reading a document detailing many immigrants had received visas to enter the U.S. this year, Trump reportedly claimed that Afghanistan is a terrorist haven, all Haitians have AIDS and Nigerians should “go back to their huts.”
4. Tom Brady was on Instagram making his grandma’s biscuit recipe even though you know his gluten/dairy/flavor-free ass didn’t eat them.
5. Ivanka Trump posted a pic of Jared Kushner on a boat in Florida with a Confederate flag in the distant background. But in her defense, it is very hard to take a candid photo in Florida without accidentally catching some “Southern pride” bullshit.
6. A woman on a first date got so wasted she destroyed her date’s fine art collection, which included two Andy Warhol paintings.
7. Trump replaced “E Pluribus Unum” with “Make America Great Again” on the presidential coin.
8. Princess-to-be Meghan Markle’s half-sister stirred the pot on Twitter and a TLC special grossly titled When Harry Met Meghan, spilling the tea on her estranged sibling while also trying to get an invite to that royal wedding.
9. Election loser Roy Moore filed a lawsuit alleging voter fraud in order to block the certification of election winner Doug Jones.
10. A Madison, Wis., hairdresser was arrested for giving an unwanted Larry from The Three Stooges ’do.
11. Tween mall shop Claire’s recalled several makeup kits after a mom claimed to find asbestos in her daughter’s cosmetic set.
12. Mariah Carey advises people to leave their Christmas trees up until July Fourth.
Contact T.C. Britton: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jan 3-10, 2018.
