WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21
You know the old phrase, “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach?” It seems Bill Cosby is taking that to heart. The man who has been accused of sexual assault by more than 60 women throughout his life — whose court case recently ended in mistrial, with 10 out of the 12 jurors wanting to convict — will be touring the country to host “town halls” where he will teach people… wait for it… how to avoid being accused of sexual assault. These events will reportedly be geared toward college athletes. Let’s be clear. The only topics Cosby is qualified to lecture young people on are Jell-O pudding recipes, how to rock a heinous sweater for every occasion and creating your own zippity-boop-wop language.
THURSDAY, JUNE 22
Barbie received something of a makeover early last year, when Mattel launched a line of dolls with different shapes, sizes and looks. Now, in addition to the blonde, slim original, folks can find tall, petite and curvy sizes. There are black, Latina, Asian and multicultural Barbies. Shoppers can pick hairstyles from short, brown and curly to long pink locks. It was a small but nice step forward for a product mostly marketed to young, impressionable girls. And now, it’s Ken’s turn. Barbie’s BF got an injection of diversity this week, with 15 variations in hairstyle, skin color and body shape. It’s great to see the company consider Barbie’s male counterpart. But, as the internet was quick to point out, from the Bachelor-patented white boy fade and man-bun ’dos to the dad-bod-esque “broad” build, these Kens look like some real fuckbois. And while Mattel is clearly trying to embrace more realistic representations in their dolls, it is unlikely Ken will get an upgrade to his flat moose-knuckle crotch any time soon.
FRIDAY, JUNE 23
The 29th-annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest was held in Petaluma, Calif. this Friday. A 3-year-old Neapolitan Mastiff named Martha took top prize, winning the judges over with her giant flopping jowls, her ample 125-pound frame and sleepy, gassy disposition. Martha resembled a dark gray puddle as she accepted her prize onstage, clearly giving zero Fs about the distinction.
Apparently ugly is in the eye of the beholder, because most humans would probably agree that Martha is a beaut. And come to think of it, is “World’s Ugliest Dog” really the message we want to be putting out to our little loved ones? Perhaps in an effort to be more inclusive and sensitive, the contest should consult with Mattel on a rebranding.
SATURDAY, JUNE 24
While Pride celebrations in New York, Chicago and here in Cincy painted the town rainbow, one other local event took a less colorful approach. The sixth-annual Dîner en Blanc descended onto the Cincinnati Art Museum (parking lot) Saturday. The event, started in Paris in 1988, is pretty much a fancy pop-up picnic. Guests must dress in all-white and bring their own folding table, white chairs, white container with your food, white tablecloth and napkins, cutlery, dishware, glassware and a garbage bag. One of those events we’d have wanted to attend when we were fun and spontaneous in our early 20s. But now? Not so much. The dress code goes against all rules that have been ingrained in the minds of everyone partaking in #WeddingSeason. It’s an outdoor food event, so you gotta keep 5 Clorox pens on deck. You have to prepare your own “gourmet meal.” Is there a single person under the age of 40 out there that owns a tablecloth (do never-used white bed sheets count)? The location isn’t unveiled until the last moment, and to avoid waste and pollution, you’re encouraged to either take the Metro (in white!!!) or charter a coach ($$$!!!). We’re having a panic attack just thinking about it. If we’re gonna be donning all white and convening in public, we’d prefer to join the Guilty Remnant.
SUNDAY, JUNE 25
The BET Awards were Sunday. Saturday Night Live’s Leslie Jones yelled a lot as first-time host. Beyoncé — who was not present presumably because she recently gave birth to twins, though she’s yet to confirm their arrival — won big, five times over. Her sister Solange (Solange’s least favorite three consecutive words) nabbed her first BET Award, along with Chance the Rapper, Migos and Bruno Mars, who appeared to be napping in the audience after his performance. Remy Ma snatched the Best Female Hip Hop Artist crown from archnemesis Nicki Minaj, breaking her seven-year streak. Most adorably, DJ Khaled’s baby son Asahd and Gucci Mane wore matching teal Gucci tuxes and stole the show. TL;DR: Basically, the opposite of Dîner en Blanc.
MONDAY, JUNE 26
Tinsel Town inducted a new class of stars into the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, and reactions are a mix of “Oh, yeah, that makes sense,” and “How the hell is this just now happening?” Among those receiving an iconic star in 2018 are RuPaul, Shonda Rhimes, Simon Cowell, Kirsten Dunst, Jack Black, Jennifer Lawrence, Minnie Mouse, Weird Al Yankovic, Mary J. Blige, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Snoop Dogg and the late Bernie Mac and Steve “the Crocodile Hunter” Irwin — a list that feels awkward and confusing if you misread the lede “Hollywood Walk of Shame” as we did.
TUESDAY, JUNE 27
This week in questionable decisions: Middletown council member Dan Picard wants public safety services to stop responding to overdose calls; police forcibly removed disabled protesters from their wheelchairs during a protest outside Mitch McConnell’s office after the release of the new health care bill draft; the L.A. Times accidentally tweeted about an earthquake that happened 100 years ago; Kim and Kanye got little North West a puppy for her birthday and she is considering naming it Baby Jesus; a “new Mac” scented candle exists; Italian luxury fashion house Prada is selling a $185 paperclip; Kelly Osbourne blamed a NYC Starbucks for making her pee her pants at Pride.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jun 28 – Jul 5, 2017.
