WEDNESDAY, MAY 17
The 70th-annual Cannes Film Festival kicked off this week, bringing Hollywood elite to the land of berets and baguettes to screen and promote upcoming films. This is the first year streaming-only movies like Netflix flicks were eligible, but apparently the Frenchies in charge immediately regretted that decision because they’ve already announced that this will be the last time. Only films actually opening in French cinemas will be eligible for the prestigious Palme d’Or award from now on. What snobs! The crowd went so far as to boo the two Netflix offerings and many other screenings — apparently it’s something of a tradition. But who boos at movies? Honestly! And at a prestigious French film festival no less. We’ve never heard a single boo at our local theater, and it’s far from the classy joint Cannes is. It’s a hotspot for bored teens, no more than 50 percent of the toilets work at any given moment and people regularly sneak in flasks to spike their soft drinks (spoiler: we are those people). We’re curious what wooing prohibition proponent Paul Daugherty has to say about booing.
THURSDAY, MAY 18
Work SNAFUs happen. Here at CityBeat, we’re bound to let a typo slip into print. But this week, the mayor’s office printed more than a typo when staffers approved a proclamation declaring June 1 as “Tre Day.” Staffers sign off on these types of proclamations all the time, but these particular employees didn’t realize that Tre Day was in honor of Trepierre Hummons, who two years ago murdered Cincinnati Police officer Sonny Kim before being shot and killed himself. *Insert grimacing emoji* John Cranley quickly retracted the proclamation, which was submitted by Hummons’ father, and issued a tearful apology. Reportedly no one will lose their jobs since watching Cranley weep is punishment enough.
FRIDAY, MAY 19
Real Housewife and Skinnygirl founder Bethenny Frankel might not be an actual housewife, but she is certainly a skinny girl and the bitch knows how to sell the shit out of her line of diet beverages, snacks, books, shapewear, appliances… Skinny everything! Frankel swung by the only local Kroger fit for a Bravolebrity, the Oakley Marketplace, Friday to hawk her latest Skinnygirl product: lunchmeat. Skinnygirl margaritas taste like if you added an eyedropper full of tequila to a bottle of water with a paper-thin slice of lime. Which is fine if you’re not trying to drink a load of sugar, but they also cut calories by dropping the alcohol content, so you end up drinking an entire bottle to get a buzz. Or is that just us? If the meat’s similar, it’ll likely leave you hungry after downing an entire pack and taste like honey-roasted air.
SATURDAY, MAY 20
Saturday Night Live wrapped its noteworthy 42nd season this week with host Dwayne Johnson and musical guest Katy Perry. The good: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson announced his bid for the 2020 presidential election with running mate Tom Hanks. Drag queens and a dance master now known only as Backpack Kid upstaged the hell out of Katy “The New Miley” Perry. The bad: Trump administration impressions go on hiatus until the fall. It was the finale episode for departing cast members Bobby Moynihan, Vanessa Bayer and Sasheer Zamata. The ugly: There was a child-molesting robot sketch.
SUNDAY, MAY 21
You think you have it rough this #weddingseason? Try being a guest at Pippa Middleton’s wedding. Duchess Kate’s little sis and 2011 butt of the year (that’s before people discovered squats) got hitched to multimillionaire hedge fund manager James Matthews this weekend. Couples were not allowed to sit next to one another at dinner and the wait staff was comprised of models, which is a scandal ready to happen. No photos were allowed at the reception — Pippa was not about to have her drunk just-married ass all over Instagram. And they served trout for dinner! Good thing our invite got lost in the mail. Sounds like a drag. Ooh, and fun fact: Celebrations took place at Berkshire’s Englefield House, which was also the site of 2014 reality show I Wanna Marry Harry, in which 12 Americans competed to date (a) Prince Harry (lookalike), not knowing he wasn’t royalty.
MONDAY, MAY 22
Willamette Week, an alternative newsweekly in Portland, Ore., recently ran a story on the women behind a happening burrito joint, Kooks Burritos. The owners, who happen to be white, traveled to Mexico and learned how to make tortillas — sort of. They talked to local makers in broken Spanish and peeked in their windows when they were hush-hush about the recipe. Since Portland is the woke capitol of America, readers were quick to point out the thievery and cultural appropriation of the whole story. (Also, comically, faux-outrage: “Not enough: Anyone white who even touches cilantro ought to be set on fire.”) Within days, Kooks was closed. White people are now relegated to getting burritos at Taco Bell.
TUESDAY, MAY 23
You remember Carol, the Todd Haynes movie filmed in Cincinnati that stars Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara. Well apparently there is a serious cult fandom surrounding the film and even its connection to our fair city. As a recent Wired article points out, there are Carol fan pages on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr; loads of fan art, gifs and memes. Fans celebrate Carol Day on April 17, the day Carol and Therese reunite in the movie (which also happens to be Mara’s birthday IRL). New York’s Metrograph movie theater regularly screens the flick more than a year after its original run. It’s great to see such a fantastic and underappreciated movie about two women in love in the 1950s get some well-earned love, but Cincinnati should really capitalize on this! One Instagram user documented their “Pilgrimage to the Holy City of Cincinnati,” taking shots of locations seen in the film, like spots around downtown, Maury’s Tiny Cove in Cheviot and Alexandria’s Sparetime’s Belly & Soul Diner. Cincinnati USA: Get on this! Let’s make Cincinnati the premier lesbian vacation destination.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in May 24-31, 2017.