Hilarious Weed-Smoking Sloth
Makes Smoking Weed Look Fun
Anyone who has ever shown up to work stoned or after a few drinks knows that it is way easier to work high than drunk. (I just forgot what I was going to say.) However, the War on Drugs doesn’t stem most people’s flow (or their desire to smoke weed), and most drugs aren’t nearly as bad for you as stuff that is on grocery store shelves and marketed as being rad and harmless by established companies that own politicians. The war on pot is so absurdly ineffective that the good folks in the government of some place called New South Wales paid $500,000 to ad agency Saatchi & Saatchi on a “stoner sloth” campaign intended to make smokers look stupid and lazy by depicting them as freak-looking sloths. Problem is, the commercials ended up making marijuana look like something that would be fun to partake in, potentially in the company of other harmless members of the animal kingdom who like to laugh and hang out together in a Zen-like state. Ad agency team leaders are not sure why the stoner sloth failed so hard, but believe their upcoming campaign showing footage of the Rat Pack sipping cocktails in ’50s Las Vegas with showgirls will definitely keep people from thinking alcohol is cool.
Gov. Kasich Does Something
That Kind of Makes it Sound
Possible for Convicts to Get Jobs
It’s a well-known fact that America has a penal system and not a justice system. It thrives off chewing up and spitting out people who commit crimes and making it so hard for them to get jobs after being convicted that the only things they can do to get money either pay minimum wage or are illegal. For some reason, this encourages criminals to stay criminals. Gov. John Kasich took a small step in the other direction for such folks last week when he signed into law a bill that will prevent public employers from including the “Have You Been Convicted of a Crime and Do You Know We are Not Going to Hire You Because Of That?” box on job applications. While employers can still do just that later on in the process by doing background checks, at least this will give people trying to get on the right path in their lives a brief period of hope during the time between submitting an application and finding out later that they didn’t get the job.
Feds Mock Lack of Sensible Immigration Policy by Making Jokes About Santa’s Reindeer
Sometimes people make fun of people or things so much that they accept it and just go with it, assuming some type of dumb wordplay will make people laugh instead of thinking about the terrible details of people’s struggles. That might be the line of reasoning behind the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s decision last week to issue a permit for Santa Claus’ reindeer to enter the country and deliver presents to all the little shorties in America. Shortly after Department of Agriculture employees shared knee-slapping “aren’t we creative?” looks with one another (immigration, ha!), a labor representative for Santa’s reindeer reportedly informed them that the animals don’t want to be in the U.S. any longer than they have to because people in the North Pole are pretty chill and not stuck in endless, unwinnable military conflicts or fond of shooting dozens of their fellow citizens each day as if it were sport.
Islam Could Soon Become World’s Most Popular Religion; Don’t Tell Your Racist Uncle
Being a Muslim must be tough these days. Every time someone stupid and insane that follows a super, crazy, unbelievable interpretation of the same holy text as you does something violent, you get called a terrorist and people are like “religion of peace my ass!” Members of other faiths can shoot the shit out of whatever they choose, and the media will be like “he was mentally ill” or “his parents got him knockoff versions and not real Legos when he was younger.” Despite these differences in perception and tolerance, the Pew Research Center figures that by the end of this century, Muslims will likely outnumber Christians for the first time in history. Not that any of this matters to anyone who reads this column, but the reason for this has more to do with Islam’s faster growth rate than the decline of Christianity or people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” As this emerging trend takes place, members of all other faiths are praying that Muslims acknowledge the social media responsibility that comes with this forecast and start making a bunch of nonsensical and inaccurate memes to share and slander other religions with because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re most popular.
NFL QB Upset over Reports He Used HGH, Says No Amount of Pizza Will Make up for It
Peyton Manning’s head is big as hell. He also had a remarkable resurgence after a gnarly neck injury that occurred at a point in his career that made his former team, the Indianapolis Colts, cut ties with him because they thought his playing days were nearly over. Neither of these things mean that the story Al Jazeera produced last week tying Manning and several other athletes to an HGH performance-enhancing drug ring is true. Either way, Manning is plenty pissed off about being named as a doper, and NFL insiders have compared his level of anger to that of someone who follows the advice in the QB’s Papa John’s commercials and orders food from the company, only to find out that it tastes like food product and has to be doused in garlic butter to be softened up and greased through one’s digestive system.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Dec 30, 2015 – Jan 5, 2016.
