Fox News Exaggeration Actually Results in Apology
It’s a topsy turvy world we live in, where people more humorous and astute than your friends here at CityBeat long ago realized that Americans get their news from Comedy Central and their humor from Fox News. When you think about it, it really does make sense, though. After all, Comedy Central relies on putting people on blast for the lies and racism they perpetuate, while Fox News somehow remains blissfully unaware of how awful and stupid their on air personalities come across. We’re not sure if anyone who isn’t pissed off all the time and/or old actually watches the network and we definitely don’t, but Fox News apparently continues to outdo itself in xenophobic racist shit, as was evidenced during Jeanine Pirro’s show when her guest Steve Emerson explained that Birmingham, England is a “totally Muslim city where non-Muslims don’t go in.” Even though recent census data indicates that only 22 percent of Birmingham identifies as Muslim (which is 100 percent too many for the liking of most Fox News fans), no one on the show contradicted Emerson’s statement until way later when the rest of the non-bigot world started flaming on them for this idiotic and baseless assertion. Fox News apologized for the erroneous report four times during the next few days and pledged to come up with “fresh new” ideas going forward that will fuel racism and fear of non-blonde people.
Glamorized War Porn Film Has Sensational First Week at Box Office
America has been at war forever; never did shit to Saudi Arabia even though nearly all of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudi Arabian; and there is evidence that suggests the attacks were planned out and coordinated from Saudi embassies and consulates in America, but that’s a story for another day. Perhaps what is more important is the cultural shift that these conflicts have had on our society as a whole. Gone are the days where films like Saving Private Ryan laid bare how awful war is and how deep the scars run from it. Nowadays people like to see terrorists getting shot into a fine red mist and most don’t care about the possibly negative consequences of normalizing war and violence carried out on a gazillion dollar budget. Check out American Sniper for example, Clint Eastwood’s puff piece starring Bradley “The Bro” Cooper about America’s most lethal sniper, Chris Kyle, who lied so much that no one is sure what he did or said that is true and what is made up. The film earned an estimated $105 million in sales over its opening weekend, making it the highest-earning film ever released in January. Eastwood is thrilled by the film’s warm reception and hopes to make more films about how rad war is or how much justice there is in trying to reform lousy neighborhood kids who try to steal his vintage automobiles.
John Boehner’s Blog Team Uses GIFs, Surprises Everyone
John Boehner likes being rich and suntanned, and he also likes driving for show and putting for dough. He’s played more rounds of golf in the past year than most ham and eggers do in their entire lives, yet he somehow plays the card of knowing what’s best for the blue collar vox populi of American society. He also knows how to make things that are puzzling (like trying make college available to more people and less fiscally ruinous) and put them in terms that make sense to our Duck Dynasty watchin’ asses. Boehner’s blog usually goes along the lines of “Obummer suxx LOL” but this week the Speaker’s communication staff took a new approach at dissing the president by featuring 12 GIFs of dead-eyed pop star Taylor Swift to demonstrate the point that “not even all the Taylor Swift album sales in the world would cover” the stupid liberal idea about making community college educations more accessible to people whose parents aren’t members of country clubs. While some might think that using tax dollars to make political points with GIFs from music videos is a stupid idea, Boehner supporters are into it and sincerely hope next week’s blog will feature the old school dancing baby GIF with President Obama’s head superimposed on it because “that would make him look real stupid.”
Disadvantaged Assholes Want to Vote, Much to Chagrin of Ruling Class
Ohio’s “urban areas,” which is basically a coded term for pockets of the country where people who aren’t Republicans live, could face big changes in their voting setups come Election Day if a plan to centralize polling locations is approved. By “centralizing,” the Ohio Association of Election Officials hopes to make things more efficient by slashing the number of voting locations in Franklin County from 404 down to just over 100. Backers of the plan believe it would save Ohio money and eliminate the need to replace aging and maybe not functional voting equipment in many counties throughout the state. Currently, Franklin County’s goal is to provide polling places within 2.5 miles of every voter in the county, so residents can take part in the democratic process this country was founded upon. However, there is hope that this will soon change once those who propose reducing the number of polling stations cut the shit and admit that they’re just trying to make it harder for poor people to vote.
Frisch’s Executive Fingered for Stealing Enough to Buy Mad Brawny Lads
Walnut Hills-based restaurant chain Frisch’s Restaurants Inc. is reeling from the revelation that one of its top executives allegedly bilked more than $3 million from the company over the past seven years. Frisch’s former assistant treasurer resigned after getting wise to the fact that he was going to be called on the carpet for the missing millions, according to a civil lawsuit filed against him. The U.S. Attorney’s Office in Cincinnati is also launching an investigation that will hopefully determine what criminal charges can be brought and also identify whatever soulless prick is responsible for the chain switching from Coke products to gross ass Pepsi ones that don’t taste good even with strawberry or vanilla flavoring added to them.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jan 21-27, 2015.