John Kasich Stands Zero Chance of Earning Nomination, Comes up with Rad Idea Anyway
Most people who have great dreams eventually give up on them and write for weekly alternative newspapers and perform other menial tasks while pondering how and when they’ll meet their maker. Other people keep on pursuing things they imagine they were intended to do despite knowing in the deepest folds of their brains that said things are not going to happen. Apparently the key to fueling delusions is referring to them in abstract terms about wizards or other mage-related terms. Speaking at Dartmouth College Jan. 18, Gov. Kase Dawg told a group of previously bored reporters: “On this campaign trail, we’ve got a lot of princes of darkness. I’m a prince of light. I believe in change.” Kasich reportedly planned to refer to his opponent simply as “Darkness” but was cautioned against it by younger campaign workers who informed him that the term was already popularized by the immortal Rick James/Charlie Murphy Chappelle Show sketch and that out-of-touch white politicians might be better off sticking to the traditional “I’m God and the other guys are the devil!” line of political communication.
Wacko Texas Politician Diagnosed with Obamacare
Ted Cruz is a Canadian-born Texas senator who wants to be president. For some reason or another, people care far less that he was born in Canada than the fact that President Obama was born in Kenya and used to play Little League ball with Osama bin Laden as a kid. Anyhoot, at a recent campaign stop, Cruz told some New Hampshire college students that Obama’s health care law caused his family’s coverage to be cancelled. Cruz later figured out that he was full of shit and that his provider had just transitioned his family onto a new policy. Cruz had to backpedal and issue a statement clearing things up by hammering home that the cost for his family’s health insurance has risen “roughly 50 percent higher” because peasants want health care. Despite this great injustice, Cruz would like the public to focus on the “50 percent higher” part of this statement rather than the fact that Cruz and his Goldman Sachs investment-manager wife are the kind of people who can absolutely afford to pay more for health insurance. Cruz would like America to forget that Goldman Sachs might have gotten a little tiny bit of help with that taxpayer-funded bailout for which none of the crooks who created the collapse served a day behind bars.
‘Enquirer’ Finally Publishes Accurate Headline; Takes It Down Over Some Bullshit
Headline writing is a skill that has evolved dramatically in recent years: What used to be the noble art of accurately and concisely summarizing a story has in some ways become the opposite — a means of enticing readers to click an article because the goddamn headline doesn’t offer any pertinent details (see: “Bengals make changes to ticket prices” — guessing they went up or down?). The Enquirer last week went old-school by getting straight to the point of an article about the growing drama between Mayor John Cranley and Council Democrats, publishing a story titled, “Seelbach: Cranley treats people like ‘shit.’ ” The story detailed how the mayor has invited Seelbach and other Democrats to weekly meetings where he will only occasionally berate them before disregarding their opinions, but Seelbach, Yvette Simpson and Wendell Young aren’t into it, presumably because they believe he treats them like shit. The Enquirer later changed the headline because Cincinnatians sometimes don’t like hearing foul language or the truth about their dysfunctional form of government.
Jeb Bush’s Dumb Ass Offers Insight Regarding Causes of Flint, Mich., Water Debacle
Jeb Bush hasn’t thrown the towel in yet on his presidential aspirations, but if he keeps offering up short-sighted and stupid summaries of problems Americans face, that day might come sooner rather than later. Appearing on ABC’s This Week, Bush recently explained that the unforgivable lead water catastrophe the residents of Flint, Michigan are faced with was created by the system in place by which “the federal government, the state government, a regional government, local and county governments are all pointing fingers at one another.” To solve this, Bush suggests having a “21st-century system of rules: Whenever you see a problem, it should become public, there should be transparency instead of trying to cover it up.” Bush also explained that “It’s fun to think about how to solve problems that poor people and/or black people deal with because every situation is new to me!”
CPD Uses Shrugging Emoji to Explain Delayed 911 Response
If you live in a part of the 513 that doesn’t have Township or Village in its name and you’ve called the cops before, odds are you’ve ended up wondering why you even called them in the first place because of how bothered and annoyed the person on the other end of the phone sounds while listening to the problem you’re calling about. A Northside resident whose most recent interaction with the Cincinnati Police was described in The Enquirer fits this bill. After calling 911 to report a man on her neighbor’s porch who appeared to be violent, disoriented and ready to break in, it took 48 minutes for a squad car to respond. In CPD’s defense, data shows that the average response time is roughly 40 minutes less than what occurred in this case. All levels of local law enforcement agree that 48 minutes is far from the response time 911 was intended to provide and have likened this unfortunate instance of poor service to waiting an hour for someone to deliver an undercooked pizza that looks like it was made by someone wearing a blindfold, noting that you still like pizza and you should still like the police, too.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jan 27 – Feb 3, 2016.
