Debate Heats Up over Under-Representation of Women on America’s Currency
Ah, money. America has a ton of it. Well, not you or me but lots of people have gotten obscenely rich and keep getting richer because they don’t have to pay a whole lot in taxes because they are solid bros with the folks who make our tax policies. So awash are we in the root of all evil, most people don’t often stop and think about who is on our dollar bills and coins … and who isn’t. It is really messed up when you think about it and realize that the only women America has ever featured on its currency were Susan B. Anthony (whose dollar coins are not commonly seen in circulation for some reason we don’t have time to Google) and the Sacagawea dollar coin, which was invented to piss off people who buy things from vending machines and mass transit token booths. Organizers for a campaign called The Women on $20s recently came up with the idea of replacing Andrew Jackson’s germ-warfare-practicing ass’s place on the 20 dollar bill with that of an American woman who actually did something good. Many politicians believe that money shouldn’t be a male-dominated field and are less concerned about what would happen if Jackson’s satanic evil zombie corpse were to resurrect and launch a campaign of terror across much of the country than they were a few years ago when Walking Dead was still kind of scary.
Miami Students’ Startup Utilizes Space-Age Technology to Make Jackets Because Why Not?
Innovation from some local area college students could change the way people stay warm in the next few years. Lukla is the name of the outerwear company created by three Miami University students with big plans for the future. Instead of biting your lips and shivering because you spend your money on impulsive things instead of a nice winter coat, Lukla wearers will benefit from aerogel, a material used to insulate space shuttles and probably plug holes in boats like in the infomercial where the guy floats 11 feet off the shore to prove that his product is to be trusted. Aerogel technology helps the jackets remain breathable and light, which are big draws for sporting enthusiasts. Lukla is also working on a modified jacket version in which the aerogel is replaced with some sort of tropical liquor slushy to interest potential customers who do not plan on going outside next winter.
Cincinnati Ranked in Recent Poll Intended to Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves
The good news is that Cincinnati has been included in a recent poll. The bad news is that like every other goddamned time this happens the list we’re atop of means that we suck and are not skilled or talented when compared to other parts of the country where lots of people live. It is possible that polls were invented to make our city appear like it sucks more than other places, but thanks to a new list amassed by Thrillist we all now know that Cincinnati has some of the nation’s worst drivers.
WCPO covered this story and kind of forgot to mention to its readers that the list is supported more by knobjobs’ opinions than fact or science and that clickhole websites are to be taken with a grain of salt. Cincinnati reportedly finished first in another recent poll ranking which cities care too much about what schmucks from other cities think of them.
Tricia Macke Totally Psyched About Speaking With Local Wacko Who Supports ISIS
Whether it’s 24, Homeland or real-life events, one thing many people feel the same about is just how crazy the War on Terror is. And whether you’re a law abiding citizen or the one who wanted to bomb the U.S. Capitol and assassinate the president, you are likely also a fan of local newscaster Tricia Macke. This was proven by local suspect Christopher Cornell, who pledged allegiance to ISIS from right here in the 513 and after being caught plotting his attack was happy to speak with Macke from jail last week. The interview aired on Fox 19 Feb. 6, but only after a two-day legal battle brought on by Cornell’s legal counsel, who correctly theorized that the public hearing their client’s rants and threats would not be great for their defense. Now authorities might even bring new charges for the threats Cornell expressed on the phone, as Cornell reiterated his intention to kill President Obama, even calling the news station back two times because his 20-minute phone call time limit was up. Mackie was apparently on the edge of her seat the entire time, telling The Enquirer: “I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. As a reporter, these are the kind of sound bites you live for.” Producers of the segment agreed that the plot line made for great television and allowed the network to save face after another station beat them to the annual “Where panhandlers spend their money” investigation this year.
No One Cares About Benghazi, but We Need to Hear More From Lindsey Graham’s Crazy Ass
Last week we wrote about a harebrained politician who showed off a snowball during a legislative session to clearly demonstrate the argument that global warming is a big hoax. Somehow these actions pale in comparison to the mind-numbing idiocy of Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), who this week shared with the world the fact that he has never sent an email even though this is the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Fifteen. This revelation came to light after the uproar about former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s usage of a non-government provided email address during her time at the State Department. Graham seized this opportunity to bring up Benghazi for the millionth time even though no one wants to talk about it anymore and in the process also divulged that he has never sent an email, presumably to demonstrate how little one has to know about present technology to sit in a position of power in this country. Rumors around Capitol Hill suggest that next week a presently unnamed Republican senator plans to take the floor and drink mercury in front of everyone to prove it’s not a planet.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Mar 11-17, 2015.