Department Store with DJs Proves Too Futuristic for Cincinnatians; Plans Move
Saks Fifth Avenue’s Fifth Street location downtown will relocate to Sycamore Township after years of Cincinnati residents never being able to afford anything from their store other than deeply discounted clearance items. The retailer’s move to the abandoned mall next to Kenwood Towne Centre leaves a large building unoccupied in the city’s central business district. Downtown boosters and city officials tried to persuade Saks to stay in order to avoid creating vacancy in the shopping corridor on Race Street between Fourth and Sixth streets. Some have suggested that instead of replacing Saks with another store of its ilk, it might benefit city-dwellers more if a real-deal grocery store with carts and everything opened up in that space. Others have cautioned against opening a grocery store in the spot, noting that this would reduce the number of things people could dog on about downtown living, which could have the unintended effect of making the neighborhood “too cool” too quickly for locals to handle. Mayor-elect John Cranley has vowed to oppose all future development plans for downtown, noting that the last thing this city needs is his supporters 20 years from now lying about how they always loved downtown and used to hang out at Saks back when it had DJs.
Creepy Hotel Goes Out of Business, Offers Its Decor to You
Sometimes priceless antiquities and contents of dead rich people’s estates are auctioned off in hotel ballrooms packed full of wealthy and exotic bidders. The items often have significant historical or monetary value. Other times, items get auctioned off from places like Fort Mitchell’s Drawbridge Inn, which closed shortly after ascending to the rank of first in bed bug findings in Northern Kentucky hotels. Somehow, someway the hotel plans to sell thousands of items ranging from towels for 50 cents (gross!) to queen-sized beds with springs and well-worn in headboards for $99. Other possibly infested items up for sale include a 7-foot-tall knight in armor, chandeliers and a wide selection of portrait paintings whose subjects all have the eyes cut out of them for some reason.
South Africa Calls for Ban of American Lion Killer
Hunting is one of those things that gets a lot of bad publicity because of the bad things hunters do. An American television personality and big-game hunter named Melissa Bachman created an upROAR after posting a photo to her Facebook account showing her posed next to a majestic male lion she had just killed in South Africa. The photo quickly went viral and led to the creation of a change.org petition asking the South African government to ban the lifelong hunter and host of a dumb-sounding show called Winchester Deadly Passion from the country. More than a quarter-million people have signed it so far. The hunting of exotic animals has been portrayed negatively in the media a lot lately, including the furor that erupted after The Dallas Safari Club planned to raise funds to help rhino conservation by auctioning off a permit to shoot an endangered rhino in the face with a high-powered rifle. Bachman has not yet commented on the contentious situation created by her Facebook photo, but she plans to explain to her viewers before Thanksgiving that hunting club-sponsored turkey shoots involve the giveaway of a frozen turkey to the best marksman at the event and not the actual shooting of turkeys.
If Walmart Workers Went to the First Thanksgiving They’d Have Been Shit Out of Luck
If you ever wonder why most Walmart employees are surly and unwilling to help, consider that they are asked to wear a vest and do a job that doesn’t pay them enough to put Thanksgiving dinner on the table. A Walmart in Canton, Ohio has gained national attention after word of their food drive for needy workers spread. A sign on the tablecloths where donations are dropped off reads, “Please Donate Food Items Here, so Associates in Need Can Enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner.” Low-wage positions at Walmart have been a hot-button issue recently and have led to several planned strikes throughout the Tristate. The presence of a food drive for employees at a place of business makes a compelling argument that the wages offered by the company aren’t enough to get by on. Or, if you’re Walmart spokesman Kory Lundberg, the food drive symbolizes “the company’s culture to rally around associates and take care of them when they face extreme hardships.” Lundberg fails to realize the extreme hardships these people face are caused by their employer not offering them a living wage, but he does express optimism about a future where science and technology can create edible T-shirts featuring Looney Tunes characters, phrases about swag and howling wolves, which will enable all Walmart employees to eat like kings come Turkey Day.
Who Needs a Massively Efficient Streetcar When You Can Have a Stupid Trolley Bus?
Mayor-elect John Cranley might not want Cincinnatians to have the streetcar they already voted for multiple times, but he is willing to consider replacing it with rubber-tired trolley buses that nobody would ride but would cost less at first. This idea, referred to as “Hop On Cincinnati,” is what Cranley calls an “affordable alternative to the streetcar that can help achieve a lot of the good things streetcar supporters want,” according to The Enquirer. Cranley is also the type of guy who would get you a cheaper knock-off, off-brand Christmas gift and then explain to you why it’s just as good as the name brand. The idea to bring trolley buses to downtown Cincinnati came from Northern Kentucky’s Southbank Shuttle, even though drivers on that route spend most of their time looping back and forth over the bridge with one or two people aboard. Cranley encourages Hop On Cincinnati supporters to make their voices heard so that progress can be made until some dick gets nominated to office in the next election and spends all of his or her time trying to undo what has previously been voted into action.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN:
letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Nov 20-26, 2013.