Indiana Republican Shares Sex Video with Entire Contacts List, Then Shares Resignation Letter
The good thing about smartphones is that you can store the contact info for the few dozen people you care about and hundreds of humans you’ve come into contact with throughout the last few years. The bad part is that if you’re cheating on your spouse and recording the sex acts involved in violating the sanctity of your marriage, it ain’t that hard to accidentally send said video to every bub in your contact list. That’s what Indiana GOP House Leader Jud McMillin found out the hard way last week after this exact scenario played out. McMillin, for all his flaws as a tech-savvy person, came up with an excuse we’ve all tried to use at one point or another: Say some shit went down in Canada. “Phone was stolen in Canada and out of my control for about 24 hours,” McMillin later texted his people. “I have just been able to reactivate it under my control… I am truly sorry for anything offensive you may have received.” It’s normally kind of messed up to take delight in the sexual misadventures of others, but less so when the person you’re making fun of is a cheating POS, and even more so when you realize that before all this went down McMillin cosponsored Indiana’s oh-so-modern “religious freedom” law that, um, protects the institution of marriage from all the damage lousy gay people would do to it were they granted basic human rights in that gem of a state. After quitting his job, McMillin’s philandering ass took time to point out that the real reason he doesn’t want gay people to be allowed to marry is to save them the trouble they’ll get into if they cheat and get caught in such embarrassing and LOLZ-worthy fashion like he did.
Your Lack of Grammar Skills Is Keeping You From Getting Laid
IRL Just Like It Is on the Internet
When the Internet was created, it was intended to better link researchers and other eggheads with cushy university jobs. These days, the web is used primarily for pornography, gambling, pizza-ordering and trying to find people to do it with.
The finding people to do it with part is still a little rough around the edges, but fortunately there are journalistic bros like the Wall Street Journal to help people out when they struggle with finding a mate in the real world as well as on digital platforms. According to the Journal, it turns out that not knowing the difference between “there,” “their” and “they’re” can be a major turn-off to other people on the web who want to have sex but don’t like people who aren’t very smart. Dating site Match.com reportedly asked more than 5,000 single people about the criteria they use when assessing dates, with personal hygiene coming in first (96 percent of women valued this the most, as compared with 91 percent of men) followed by a person’s grammar. In addition to typing in a manner that shows a cursory command over the one goddamn language you know how to speak, it is also advisable to avoid including “69” in your profile name because no one has thought that was funny since America Online allowed people to further demonstrate their stupidity with lengthy profiles and questionnaires.
Textbook: Hiring Event in Africa Hundreds of
Years Ago Filled
Many Labor Positions
It’s hard enough to keep the children of today from being ill-informed and unaware of world history. It’s not just digital media and whatever else out-of-touch older people want to blame this on. Even textbook publishers are in on the widespread conspiracy to revise history in such unbelievable ways as repainting the inhumane era of African-American slavery as something other than what it was. Textbook company McGraw-Hill really went above and beyond in its latest
World Geography textbook, in which the authors tastefully described African slaves as “workers” and “immigrants.” After righteous uproar over these idiotic descriptions, McGraw-Hill agreed to change the wording, though it first defended the characterization by suggesting that if you stretch your imagination a bit one might view slavery kind of like a huge job fair on the African continent where millions of folks eagerly signed up to be chained, crammed into ships and shipped overseas to be treated terribly by a bunch of old-timey evil bastards.
Overlord Royal Hillary Clinton Unveils Gun Control Proposals
Hillary Clinton was against gay marriage until she realized she’d need to quit holding that point of view if she was ever going to become president. Clinton was also all for the wars America jumped into over the last decade and a half until she realized most people think all the damage to America and the countries we’ve bombed, bombed and bombed again was pointless and didn’t make this country safer or better in any way. With these pieces of info in mind, it’s hard to definitively make sense of her recent decision to unveil a gun control plan less than a week after our nation’s most recent killing spree. Clinton’s idea — if she gets elected over Bernie Sanders, who actually comes across as a real person rather than a member of the USA’s dynastic ruling class — includes cracking down on gun sales on the Internet and instituting universal background checks. While the presidential hopeful wants supporters to appreciate the raw emotion she displayed during the announcement (she invited a mother of one of the children killed in the Sandy Hook shootings to speak and teared up while introducing her to the crowd), Clinton also stressed that she wants the American public to understand that she is a chameleon and may reverse her stance on gun control in the future, should public outcry suggest that she do so.
Clothing Retailer That Featured Lots of Butts in Advertisements Ends up Ass Out
American Apparel surely made a ton of money by selling T-shirts, hoodies and other basic garments for a lot more than people usually paid for them. However, this was not enough to save the company from filing for bankruptcy protection last week after declining sales and a protracted legal battle with the ousted founder of the company, Dov Charney. The company will attempt to restructure itself during the next six months and implement measures such as making its website look less like porn so customers can browse and purchase their wares on work computers without fear of termination.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Oct 7-13, 2015.