Presidential Candidate You Might
Not Have Heard of Knows Who Shouldn’t Be in the White House
America has a long and storied tradition of denying opportunities because of skin color and/or religion. Our nation is also quite fond of generalizing large demographics narrowly, except when those generalizations make white Christians sound like the kind of people who would blow up federal buildings or shoot up schools with assault weapons that should totally be legal and easily accessible to homicidal maniacs of all ages. The good part about how deeply ingrained the right to act like the Constitution was written to permit American citizens to be racists well into the Robot Era is that as people gain basic human rights, they also realize the opportunity to say racist stuff just like our founding fathers used to. This week, without-a-chance-in-hell presidential candidate Ben Carson, who happens to be black, told NBC’s Meet the Press that Muslims don’t belong in the White House. “I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation,” Carson said. “I absolutely would not agree with that.” Political pundits were stunned by this remark, but then backed off from calling Carson out as hard as they should have, because there are many political points that are hard to ask or state without sounding racist, such as trying to articulate why you don’t understand how black people can support the Republican Party.
Mark Zuckerberg Discusses Facebook Plan to Keep Users
Happy with New Trivial Functions
Facebook used to be cool. Then we all gradually began to figure out that posting things opened you up to the least-occupied people on your Friends List saying things you don’t care about or want to respond to, generally making you regret posting in the first damn place. With people under the age of about 45 using the site less frequently, the site’s founder has come up with a new plan to get people interested in it again. Part of Mark Zuckerberg’s plan includes introducing some sort of “Dislike” button so users will have an option aside from ignoring the content that people post from sites like “Liberalz R Smart” and pictures of their children being slobs. While Facebook does seem pretty boring and like something the most narcissistic and/or lonely people use the most, Zuckerberg hopes to incorporate whatever the user base wants to see on his social media platform in order to aid his NSA-backed venture and further its goal of using the selfies and location-tracking services to advance the development of facial recognition software and metadata harvesting to help control society in the future.
Local Man Pulls off Ocean’s
Eleven-Style Heist, Displays
Motel 6-Style Post-Theft Plans
James T. Hammes, a dude who got away with embezzling nearly $9 million from his Cincinnati-based employer back in 2009, was brought to justice by the FBI last week. It turns out that Hammes was staying at a bed and breakfast in Virginia along the Appalachian Trail and had been going by the alias of “Bismarck” while frequently interacting with fellow lodgers and hikers. Since Hammes’ streak of felony-eluding came to an end, underemployed columnists and other similarly unsatisfied individuals have struggled to figure out how someone could be both smart enough to slip out the back door with nearly $9 million and stupid enough to not take it to one country or another that these United States of ours lack the diplomatic ties with to have an extradition treaty on the books.
Kasich Praises Latinos
at Golf Club Event, Ends
Up Sounding Like White Golf Club Member
We all know our Steelers-fan governor John Kasich has moved on from his days of being rabidly anti-abortion in order to focus on standing out amid the smelly pile that is the group of Republicans seeking nomination in the upcoming presidential election. But we didn’t know how much of a tool he would come off as when trying to tell an audience at an Orange County, California golf club in a gated neighborhood that he has love for the Latinos even though he supports building a country-wide border fence to keep those fuckers out of America. Speaking about his hotel stay in L.A., Kasich told a fascinating story that included gems such as, “A lot of them do jobs that they’re willing to do and, uh, that’s why in the hotel you leave a little tip,” and also, “This lady wrote me in my hotel there in L.A. She wrote this note. It said, ‘I really want you to know that I care about your stay.’ Is that just the greatest thing?” But wait, there’s more: “So, you know, we can learn a lot, and she’s Hispanic, ’cause I didn’t know it at the time, but I met her in the hallway — asked her if I could get a little more soap.” Now that he has familiarized himself with the basic principles of hospitality and the fact that minorities are often nice to others, Kasich plans to return to Ohio and explain to audiences how he likes the blacks because there’s this one guy who comes to his YMCA who is “super good” at basketball and sometimes passes him the ball even though he can’t shoot worth a shit.
Enquirer Opinion Contributor Details How More Nightclubs Would Make Cincinnati Bitchin’
For many years, Cincinnati has strived to be someone else. A city with a cooler transit system and larger-scale heroin problem. A coastal-style destination with higher salaries that young professionals would flock to in order to be part of an “in-crowd” that had nothing to do with a ribs franchise whose ribs aren’t even good. Fortunately, in recent years our city has figured out that being yourself is probably the best way to be authentic, cool and desirable. That’s why we have tons of breweries defend our chili no matter how many putzes from other places talk down on it. Despite recent gains in such areas, it’s still a good idea to hear from transplants to the Queen City to see what they think of the city they’re now trapped in along with us. That’s why The Enquirer solicited an opinion piece from one such human who described to her fair readers the fact that she didn’t unpack her car for five months after getting to town, that some people she met think we should have a contest to try to eliminate homelessness and that we need more nightclubs to truly get where we need to be coolness-wise. While these points are all welcome
though unlikely to be acted upon
, it is WWE!’s hope that the author stays in town long enough to realize Cincinnatians think nightclubs are dumb and that most of her new neighbors chose to spend the rest of our lives here because we love being by disappointed by local sports teams, drinking too much and staying close to our aging parents as they continue to get closer to kicking the bucket.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Sep 23-29, 2015.
