In his column, Bad Advice, writer Collin Preciado will be giving you the worst advice you’ve ever heard.
Dear Collin,
For the past couple Valentine’s Days my girlfriend has gifted me with toys to spice up our bedroom routine. At first it was kind of fun, but the devices have been trending in a direction I’m uncomfortable with. Last year’s gift was a ball gag. The year before it was handcuffs. I’ve gone along with it but I believe I’ve reached my limit. If her gift goes too far beyond this year, I’m worried it will affect our relationship as she will either feel rejected or, worse, I’ll be freaked out by how far she is wanting to go. How do I beat her to the punch and avoid this scenario altogether?
Sincerely,
Vanilla Waver
Dear Vanilla Waver,
You’ve got it absolutely right. You need to beat her to the punch on this. You need to put her in a position where she’s the party who wants to initiate a talk about boundaries, and the best way to do this is to give her a gift that will absolutely ensure that conversation.
The gift would need to be something that an overwhelming amount of people would immediately be revolted by. Something that even the “don’t-kink-shame” weirdos would hesitate to defend. Now fortunately for you I’ve thought long and hard about what such a gift could be, and I believe I’ve landed on a failsafe solution. You need to buy your girlfriend a gerbil.
Now if you or your partner are under the age of 30 and are wondering what the gerbil is for, allow me to vaguely explain. In the ‘90s, before the age of the internet, all rumors were taken at face value and believed to be fact. We believed Marilyn Manson had one of his ribs removed, and we were also pretty sure Tupac was still alive. One of the more random and enduring rumors from that time was that the actor Richard Gere had once been hospitalized to remove a gerbil from his, uh, person. The story goes that the gerbil was placed inside the actor by another person in a mutual act of intimacy.
Now if you need more details than that, feel free to look it up on your own. Snopes says Richard Gere definitely didn’t do this. Dan Savage says there’s no way anyone has ever done this, and that the whole idea of someone engaging in an act like this is a homophobic myth that only stupid people with adolescent brains talk and/or write about.
But if we assume your girlfriend opens up your gift on Valentine’s Day and immediately knows what the gerbil is for, one of two things will happen. 1). Your girlfriend will balk and a conversation will naturally arise about boundaries, or 2). She’ll be totally into it. If the latter happens you’ll want to get the hell out of there; she’s a serial killer. Or she’s somehow Richard Gere.
Dear Collin,
Every year my husband takes me to the Cheesecake Factory for Valentine’s Day, and I absolutely love it! They have everything: Cocktails, appetizers, free bread. They even have dessert (haha!). Now usually I get the Thai Lettuce wraps, but I want to switch it up a bit this time. What should I get?
Sincerely,
Dr. Bernadette Rugchair
Dear Bernadette,
Congratulations for having such an incredible husband. There is no more romantic restaurant to spend your Valentine’s Day than at the Cheesecake Factory.
As you know, the Cheesecake Factory’s menu is a weighty tome, rich with authentically prepared meals from all seven continents. While everything listed is the most delicious food you could possibly get at a restaurant, it is worth mentioning that they also have a secret menu.
The secret menu mostly contains variations on items from the main menu, like instead of Glamburgers they have Clamburgers, which just replace the bun with a super thick clamshell, but the real gems can be found in the exotic category. Items like the Shredded Coconut Chimp or the Lab-Grown Grilled Cheese are winners, but my personal favorite is the Mammoth Sandwich. It’s a sandwich where the protein is a genetically engineered wooly mammoth that the Cheesecake Factory scientists brought back to life Jurassic Park-style, and then they slaughter and cook it to order so you can eat like your cave-man ancestors.
For an additional fee, they’ll even let you hunt the beast yourself. They sail you to a secret snowy island where you’re met by a muscular and handsome dark-eyed hunting guide named Claw. You spend five days with the mysterious man tracking the majestic creature across the island. During that time, as Claw teaches you how to survive in the icy wilderness, you start to develop feelings for him as you get glimpses of his soft-hearted nature under all his rugged exterior. On the fifth and final day, after the beast is slain, the tension finally snaps and you rip each other’s clothes off and make love for hours. As Claw holds you close in a postcoital glow, he begs you to stay on the island with him forever, and for a moment you briefly consider it, but then you realize your husband and two kids are back at the Cheesecake Factory waiting for you to order, so with tears in your eyes you bid him farewell. When you get back to your table you realize you forgot the mammoth meat back on the island, so you just order the Buffalo Blasts instead. That night, as you lay wide awake in the dark listening to your husband gurgle through his sleep apnea machine, you wonder if you’ve made a mistake; you should have gotten the Factory Nachos instead. It’s a feeling you spend the rest of your life trying to shake. At your funeral, a mysterious stranger with profoundly sad eyes stands in the back, wondering what could have been.
Send me your unsolvable problem at badadvice@citybeat.com. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I’ll be sure to let you know.
This story is featured in CityBeat’s Feb. 5 print edition.
This article appears in Jan 22 – Feb 4, 2025.