Cincinnati Is in Full 'Semen Tree' Season, Thanks to Those Stinky Callery Pears

We're talking neverending porn-star orgy levels of semen aroma.

No, that's a Callery pear tree you smell, not jizz. - PHOTO: MATTHEW FIELD CC 2.5
Photo: Matthew Field CC 2.5
No, that's a Callery pear tree you smell, not jizz.

Right now, it smells like all of Cincinnati's residents just got laid.

Simultaneously.

Over and over and over.

Callery pear trees are to blame, pushing out a pungent scent as they bloom each spring around the region. What your nose derives from the trees is like a carousel of terribleness. For some, Callery pear trees smell like rotting fish. For others, they're like vomit. And for the unfortunate majority of us, these things reek of semen. Lots of semen. Bucketloads of semen. Neverending porn-star orgy levels of semen.

While the Callery's delicate white flowers are beautiful, they also harbor compounds that are derivatives of ammonia, which produces the familiar, post-coital scent. They actually do produce pears (don't eat them!) that birds love and spread throughout the area, encouraging more of these awful trees to grow.

The non-native Callery pear tree (also known as the Bradford pear tree) has been terrorizing us for more than 70 years, after someone had the bone-headed idea to bring one back to the United States from China. Americans loved them in the '50s when they were new here, as they grew in just about any type of soil and were attractive. But the damn trees began spreading wildly, crowding out native trees and plants and generally mucking up regional ecosystems. Cincinnati Parks says they're "highly invasive."
The odiferous things soon will be banned in Ohio, though. Legislators have outlawed buying, selling or planting additional Callery pear trees beginning in January 2023. They'll be on the Buckeye State's list of invasive plants, and crews around Ohio are now removing them from parks and neighborhoods. Until then, you're free to add these to your yard and enjoy an aroma not unlike that found in a production from Brazzers.

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