WEDNESDAY, NOV. 16
The American Dream is often defined by working your way up the socioeconomic ladder, maybe starting your own business and providing a better life for your children. But what aboot about the Canadian Dream? For some, that has meant working at a Labatt brewery, living out a Laverne and Shirley fantasy until retirement and then cashing in on some prime benefits like health care coverage and free beer for life. For more than 50 years, Labatt retirees have enjoyed the perk of a free weekly case of beer until death (presumably resulting from liver failure), at which point the allotment could be passed on to a relative. But that’s about to change. Now owned by Anheuser-Busch, Labatt’s free beer perk will be phased out by 2019. Consider this further proof that moving to Canada simply can’t solve all your problems.
THURSDAY, NOV. 17
As fans of the Netflix documentary series Making a Murderer eagerly await a second season of updates on the Teresa Halbach murder case, they have been able to watch events play out IRL in the court system. Brendan Dassey — accused of being an accomplice to uncle Steven Avery in the rape and murder of Halbach, based on a widely disputed confession — received promising news in August when the court overturned his conviction and again Monday when he was ordered to be released by the end of the week while the state’s appeal is pending. But in a move straight out of Steve Harvey’s Miss Universe 2015 book, a Court of Appeals ruled that Dassey must remain behind bars while a decision regarding his conviction is determined. When asked whether he believed he would eventually be freed or if he will spend out his days in prison, Dassey reportedly responded, “Yeah…”
FRIDAY, NOV. 18
The theater, to many, is a special haven for performers and audiences alike, and no one knows more about this than Mike “Zap the gay out of ’em” Pence, who attended a Broadway performance of Hamilton Friday. During curtain call following the show, actor Brandon Dixon (who portrays Aaron Burr) addressed Pence directly: thanking him for attending, expressing concern that his administration might not protect or defend the “diverse America” represented by the cast and encouraging him to become inspired by the show’s story. What appeared to be a fine example of civil discourse to some was interpreted as harassment by others — namely, Donald Trump, who completely and unironically declared on Twitter, “The theater must always be a safe and special place.” Pence himself says he was not offended by the remarks. But that’s not stopping conservatives from calling for a boycott of the production — much to the delight of the millions still trying to secure tickets to the record-breakingly popular show. In other Trump-related boycott news: Some supporters are sticking it to the liberal-leaning Starbucks by giving his name for orders, forcing baristas to say “Trump” after taking their money. Elsewhere, a neo-Nazi website declared New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” Update your coffee and shoe preferences accordingly.
SATURDAY, NOV. 19
Another day, another dollar, another Kanye West rant. The rapper went off in support of Trump Saturday at a Sacramento show, speaking his mind for more than 15 minutes after performing just three songs, then dropped the mic on that bitch. The remaining stops on his tour have since been canceled. At this point, there should be Kanye Rant Mad Libs to make these occurrences easier to report: Kanye West abruptly ended his (city) show after performing for just (number) minutes. He expressed disdain toward (fellow musician), (politician) and (Jay Z or Beyoncé) while comparing himself to (entrepreneur), (politician) and (16th-century artist).
SUNDAY, NOV. 20
The highly anticipated open-world video game Watch Dogs 2 was released this week, featuring a sandbox set in a virtual San Francisco, lots of stealth missions involving hacking and a very realistic rendering of a vagina. The problematic private part was first discovered when a gamer accidentally killed a virtual prostitute by exploding a gas pipe. Upon investigation of her body, the user noticed a vivid detail — crotchless panties revealing a graphic vag — and proceeded to take a screenshot and share with his friends online. The user was swiftly banned for sharing full frontal nudity, causing many media outlets to publicize the story. Eventually, game creator Ubisoft decided to release what we will refer to as a “pussy patch” that permanently removes the genitalia from the game. Thankfully for purists, gamers can still record videos of characters bashing the prostitute’s head in, shooting a grenade at her feet or running over her in their car. Watch Dogs 2 is rated “M” for mature.
MONDAY, NOV. 21
Marc Brown, creator of PBS cartoon-turned-meme fuel Arthur, talked to Huffington Post this week and, boy, is he a gem. In the interview, Brown reflects on the show’s 20-year history and shares a jovial take on the Arthur meme trend — a stark contrast to this actual headline that exists on the internet: “Arthur Creator Says ‘Black People Ruin Everything,’ ” which is quite possibly the most damning fake news item of 2016.
TUESDAY, NOV. 22
Thanksgiving is just days away, so enjoy these tips on avoiding high-intensity situations at the dinner table. If someone asks who you voted for, just freeze. Don’t respond or move. When you can no longer hold still, tell everyone they were supposed to be doing the mannequin challenge and they all failed. Whenever someone says Melania Trump’s name, read off random facts about melanoma. They kind of sound the same and only one is truly unavoidable! Offer to check family members for abnormal moles. If anyone asks when you are going to have children, go sit at the kids table. Bonus points for bringing your own adult coloring book. People 50 and above are thoroughly freaked out by the babification of millennials.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Nov 23-30, 2016.
