Cranley Drops Phone in Hot Tub (NOT TOILET)
Most people have been there — just doing your business in the morning, catching up on Instagram stories when suddenly the cell phone — keeper of passwords and storer of nudes and incriminating text messages — slips from one’s grasp and splashes into the toilet bowl. A similar water-damage-related incident became front-page news this week when Mayor John Cranley announced that anyone hoping to see text messages from the week preceding his attempt to oust City Manager Harry Black will have to use their imagination, cuz his iPhone from that time is now incapacitated: He dropped it into a hot tub at his gym. Cranley’s spokesperson relayed the message after conservative anti-tax group COAST sued city council members over a text chain related to the Cranley-Black drama, which pretty much turned up nothing other than P.G. Sittenfeld using proper grammar and Wendell Young calling the Cran-Man a liar. But Cranley spokeswoman Holly Stutz Smith later amended the time period of the splash-down from “sometime in March” to “early-February,” which begs the question: Does it make more sense that Cranley would forget the rare instance of a workout worthy of hot-tub recovery or the time he dropped his phone in the toilet during an otherwise typical morning poo? Cincinnatians may never know, as the mayor finally found a fifth vote to fire Black, who resigned prior to a special Saturday morning meeting when the four dissenting votes were to be cast from their respective homes, probably also in the bathroom.
Reds Manager Joins City Manager in the Place Where People Go While Getting Paid Not to Work
Most people are familiar with how shitty the Reds have been so far this year, a predictable turn of events for a team whose Opening Day parade occurred on the fourth day of baseball season (one longtime fan says he isn’t going to the game on his birthday because of it). Even the most righteous and expletive-laden argument couldn’t save manager Bryan Price’s job after the team started the year 3-13, as he was shit-canned and paid to go home to Arizona and watch the Reds get crushed on TV instead of in person. Price was best known for being a good pitching coach and epic foul-mouthed complainer but a very average manager whose teams would have made even a hall-of-famer like Joe Torre look like an idiot (“Let’s win this thing, meat! Get me Quackenbush!”). Former big-league manager and front office guy Jim Riggleman took over, promptly losing his first three games wearing the tight pants for the Reds and continuing the unenviable task of figuring out where to bat his super-fast guys who can’t get on base.
Ohio Congressman Says People Gave Him Lots of Money, Support
Casual followers of this country’s broken democracy might not be familiar with Ohio’s lesser-known congresspersons, many of whom represent gerrymandered districts and push for legislation that only a minority of their constituents support. U.S. Rep. Jim Renacci is one such official, and he despises big government so much he’s campaigning for the Republican nomination to challenge Sen. Sherrod Brown in November. (Campaign slogan: “Six Years in the Senate, a Lifetime of Health Care.”) Renacci is basically like the rest of us except that he has a net worth of $35 million, which made it easy to kick about $4 million into his senate campaign and tell everyone how he Bernie Sanders-ed $4.5 million in campaign contributions since January. Before the Cleveland Plain Dealer did the math to determine that Renacci hadn’t really raised shit, his campaign released a fairly misleading statement touting the “wave of support from voters and conservative leaders” and the time Renacci caught the world’s largest catfish but threw it back before his fishing buddy could see because he wasn’t hungry anymore.
Democrats Sue Russia, WikiLeaks Over Some Old Shit
The Democratic National Committee filed what NPR has described as an “attention-grabbing” lawsuit against Russia, WikiLeaks and the Trump campaign over that stuff they all did to get Trump elected. The lawsuit, which faces legal obstacles because Russia has its own laws, details the same theory about Russia and WikiLeaks colluding with the Trump campaign that is currently being investigated by Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller. The suit states that “the conspiracy constituted an act of previously unimaginable treachery” and asks judges who read any part of it in public to do so in a Shakespearean voice and maintain consistent eye contact with viewers. Legal analysts have suggested that the suit could help protect the Mueller investigation but they really don’t know for sure. A Trump spokesperson called the collusion claim bogus and released a statement referring to the Democratic party as “desperate, dysfunctional and nearly insolvent,” which was funny enough to actually add credibility to a president willing to lie about how many tacos he can eat in one sitting.
Wells Fargo to Pay Back Some of the Money It Stole
Banks used to be an essential part of society, the place where everyone’s money was safe and little kids could get suckers shot into their cars through giant tubes. Today, banks are basically known for making mass money without actually giving their customers anything and for crashing the economy once and probably again sometime soon. So, it was no surprise to learn last week that the Consumer Financial Bureau hit Wells Fargo with a $1 billion fine — its largest ever — for the various ways it has charged consumers too much on mortgage and car loans in recent years. Wells Fargo apologized to the people it bilked and also its stockholders, who saw the cash moved off the company’s first-quarter balance sheet, leaving only a net income of $4.7 billion. Wells Fargo asked investors to continue to support the company through this difficult time of getting caught, noting that the Fed thinks its business strategy “prioritizes its own growth at the expense of risk management,” which is generally good for investors.
Made-Up Reasons Not to Buy Real Cars
USA Today last week published a list of the 15 worst-selling cars in America based on the average number of days it took to move the pieces of crap off dealership lots.
The following is the actual list with made-up reasons the cars suck.
15. Buick Envision — Buicks are for followers, not leaders.
14. Cadillac ATS — Looks like someone tried too hard to make a Camry.
13. Cadillac XTS — Same thing as the ATS but with an X.
12. Buick Cascada — People hate this kind of shit.
11. Hyundai Genesis — Looks expensive even though it’s a Hyundai.
10. Cadillac CTS — Same thing as the XTS but with a C.
9. Buick LaCrosse — Sexist commercials.
8. Jeep Patriot — Reminds people of George Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” banner.
7. Buick Regal — Misogynist commercials.
6. Toyota Yaris — People can tell it’s slow by how inexpensive it is.
5. Nissan Quest — People with minivans don’t go on quests anymore.
4. Chrysler 200 — Everyone assumes there’s a 400 or 600 that is better.
3. Volkswagen CC — Dumb name. Should have been called Jackrabbit.
2. Dodge Dart — Seems like the type of car your dad flipped in the ’70s.
1. Buick Verano — Sounds like an STD.
Contact
Danny Cross : letters@citybeat.com.
This article appears in Apr 18-25, 2018.