Five unhinged listings available on Facebook Marketplace

I love Facebook Marketplace.

It’s a sprawling digital yard sale with cars, vintage toys, appliances and the occasional mystery being sold around the clock.

It’s where I hunt for bobbleheads to crowd the shelves in my office. When my blender died, the marketplace resurrected my culinary habit for a fraction of the retail price.

But scroll long enough and you’ll find listings that make you stop, squint and wonder exactly what kind of life the seller has been living. Turns out, there’s a buyer for everything.

Here are five unhinged Facebook Marketplace listings active as of Monday, May 18.

Chad Johnson, who legally changed his name to Ochocinco in 2008 before changing it back, spent nearly a decade tormenting AFC North cornerbacks as a Bengal, suiting up from 2001 to 2010. In 2006, he led the NFL in receiving yards (1,369) and yards per game (85.6).

Arguably the greatest wide receiver in franchise history, Johnson is the kind of player whose likeness deserves home-made art, but whether it deserves to live on as a giant, papier-mache-style head in your living room is a separate question.

This one-of-a-kind, autographed piece is listed at $444,444, though the seller is accepting offers. Buyer must arrange pickup in Blue Ash — Mondays only, before 5 p.m.

Even if you only made it through the first season (no judgment) of Stranger Things, you know the Demogorgon. The flower-faced nightmare terrorized Hawkins, Indiana, for years before the show wrapped its final season earlier this year.

Now, one could terrorize your front lawn come October, or better yet, the stretch of dark hallway between your bedroom and the kitchen at 2 a.m.

The seller, Lexi Hicks, has dropped the price from $350 to $300.

There is no graceful way to write about a decorative toilet, so here it is plainly: this is the most beautiful commode I have ever seen, and I genuinely could not bring myself to use it.

Described as a one-of-a-kind piece by Inside and Out Artwork, the hand-painted Italian porcelain is the kind of thing that belongs behind a velvet rope, not in a half-bath off the kitchen. It is a conversation piece, a flex and, according to seller Michele Justice Branham, an irreplaceable one.

“Once this item is gone,” Branham warns, “you won’t find another like it.”

The used item is listed in good condition.

This one is for the horror fans, and likely only them.

Each cup bears the likeness of a different cinematic nightmare: The Nun, Annabelle and Regan from The Exorcist.

They are, objectively, well-made. They are also not something I would drink a fun cocktail from, not because I am scared, but because I am absolutely terrified.

Seller Donna Guanella wants you to know that despite being 46 years old, this clown portrait holds up. “It doesn’t look that old,” her listing reads.

She also suggests it would be great for a small child’s room. With respect to Guanella, that child will never sleep again.

The portrait is large, per the seller, though no dimensions are listed.