Local Political Windbags Share More Opinions About Sports
Politics are stupid and sports are annoying. When you mix the two you get things that are stupid and annoying. Chemistry is real! After the Bengals’ most recent crushing defeat that made parts of your heart and head hurt that you didn’t even know were part of you, Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune suggested during a meeting that some of the Bengals’ penalties were so bad that the team’s ownership should apologize. Fellow commissioner and sports expert Chris Monzel also chimed in, astutely noting that personal foul penalties were “not a good example of sportsmanship.” The Bengals have made clear that they’re not going to apologize, which creates an awesome opportunity for our fair city to improve things forevermore. Instead of debating who should apologize for what and when, both groups should unite as one and issue a joint statement apologizing for their amazingly similar track records of incompetence and promising not to waste any more ink or time trying to assign blame since everyone around here expects sports teams and politicians to disappoint and fail us just like we expect the sun and moon to take turns in the sky above.
Ohio Republicans Create Medical Marijuana Task Force to Help… Themselves
Ohio’s House Republicans this week announced the formation of a 14-member task force that will include state representatives and Jimmy Gould, the guy who tried to make Nick Lachey and other annoying Ohioans the only people you’d be able to legally score some ganj from. House Speaker Cliff Rosenberger (R-Clarksville) says the goal of the task force is “to have a methodical and holistic approach to the conversation, which means including members on both sides of the aisle, as well as medical experts, community advocacy groups and law enforcement officials.” Key elements the task force plans to focus on include figuring out if there are more likable Buckeye State residents that could be appointed to the Weed Cartel that would help the next attempt at keeping this anti-free-market measure from failing by a huge margin. One proposed option is to have Oscar Robertson shoot another commercial where he admits that the last one he did touting the medicinal effects of pot was a bunch of bullshit and he really just wanted to get the measure passed so he could get paid, then legally get stoned and tell longwinded stories about that one season when he averaged a triple double.
Buckeye State Best in Nation at Making Annoying Phone Calls
People nowadays know that when their cell phone rings, it’s hardly ever someone trying to reach them with good news. Either grandma finished dying, you forgot to pay for something because you’re poor or someone who deserves to be buried alive is trying to sell you a home security system for a home you don’t own. This week, voicemail provider YouMail Inc. shared the results of its monthly robocall tallies going back to September, which revealed that last month Columbus sent out 68.9 million calls, beating second-place finisher Kansas City by more than 26 million. Across the nation, 1.45 billion unwanted calls were placed last month alone. While this is a dizzying amount of data to sift through and derive meaning from, YouMail plans to first focus on figuring out how many people are stupid enough to let a phone recording tell them who to vote for and then gauge whether this form of direct marketing will be effective enough to enable Brutus the Buckeye to become president in 2020.
Let’s Talk About Sports or the Kardashians Because Flint, Michigan Doesn’t Matter
While this edition of Worst Week Ever! came together with the aid of rye whiskey and ice cubes, it was difficult to imagine that people living just a few hours north of Coney Town in Flint, Michigan had toxic tap water coming out of their faucets. But this fact hasn’t troubled politicians or anyone that much, as news that the state of Michigan switched Flint’s water source from Lake Huron to the Flint River — which had a reputation for being dirty and smelly — is still slowly trickling across the rest of America’s considerably less polluted land. In a shocking development, the corrosive water from the Flint River has caused the lead-pipe-lined service lines to deliver a toxic liquid to residents. Things have gotten so bad that officials declared a state of emergency, and the National Guard was called in to deliver potable water to the almost 100,000 affected residents. Finally, some sort of federal investigation has been launched and politicians hoping to become president suddenly care. As embarrassing and deplorable as this reality is (and the fact that problems impacting poor and/or black people matter a lot less than those white people face), automaker Chevrolet is optimistic that it can edit footage of Flint residents getting drinkable water from military members before the Super Bowl so it can recreate its tone-deaf Ground Zero post-9/11 “This is Our Country” commercial.
Netflix Announces Tons of Release Dates for Shows Many People Enjoy Watching
Netflix has really changed the game in recent years, producing all sorts of original programming and getting its hands on series like Making a Murderer that are thought-provoking and worth watching. In addition to new seasons of Orange is the New Black, House of Cards and other fan favorites, the streaming media provider also announced that it will begin production on a hard-hitting documentary attempting uncover the mystery shrouded in enigma of why the hell people pay to watch shows that include commercials on Hulu.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Jan 20-27, 2016.