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WEDNESDAY FEB. 27
A day after local radio host Bill Cunningham proved to the world he knows Barack Obama's middle name, political strategists analyzed the potential effects of John McCain's quick renouncement of the small-teethed man's speech at his rally. According to experts, McCain's respect for opposing candidates and other people has now threatened to divide Republican voters, with the rude white male sector (RWMS) straying from the party's base of fiscally responsible people. Experts predict that If McCain can't hold onto the RWMS he'll be at risk in key states like Ohio, Michigan and Pennsylvania.
THURSDAY FEB. 28
Israel got all set up to attack Gaza today because rockets keep getting shot at an Israeli city called Ashkelon, which sits just 11 miles from Gaza. The rockets hit an apartment building and almost hit a school, according to the AP, which reported that Israel activated "Code Red" and is prepared to launch a full-scale attack as soon as the weather gets nicer. But the head of Gaza's Hamas government said Israel has been shooting missiles into their communities and that Hamas only targeted missile-shooters near Ashkelon. Military strategists predict an incident will be avoidable only if Gaza and Iran recognize Israel's existence before it's 50 degrees in Jerusalem.
FRIDAY FEB. 29
A new study by the University of New Hampshire suggests that spanking kids can have worse effects on children than simply making them think their parents are dicks. Reuters Life! reported today that a study determined that spanking and other corporal punishments raise the risk of children to later verbally or physically coerce a partner into having sex. But pro-children-spanking groups have long argued the "chicken or egg" theory, citing a spanked child as the egg and an antisocial teenager as the sexually repressed chicken.
The UNH study, which failed to resolve the analogy, concluded that more appropriate means for psychologically damaging children include witholding affection, spiteful inaction and ridiculing.
SATURDAY MARCH 1
With economists predicting $4-per-gallon gasoline prices as soon as this spring, President Bush was recently asked for his thoughts on the situation. According to The Los Angeles Times, Bush's answer was, "Wait, what did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gasoline? That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." Then a liberal journalist said, "What the F are you talking about, Mr. P?" noting that analysts have long been predicting $3.75 gas nationwide. The White House later released a statement saying that Bush didn't know how much prices have gone up because he always pushes the wrong button trying to get his receipt printed.
SUNDAY MARCH 2
An Enquirer reporter went out and asked local African-American Republicans how much it will suck to vote along party lines in this year's presidential race because, if they do, they might be totally selling out their race. Reporter Keith T. Reed — whose name sounds conveniently free of potential racial or religious biases — got local black Republican talk show host Lincoln Ware to admit that he'll vote for Obama this year if he wins the Democratic nomination. But a local black Republican tobacco store owner named John Bell thinks that Democrats will fund their health care programs on the back of the tobacco industry, which has never done anything to make people sick. The Enquirer assures readers that it will continue to pigeonhole its subjects by race, gender and political affiliation until minorities make more sense to them.
MONDAY MARCH 3
A group of smart alec hippies burned down three multimillion-dollar homes in a Seattle suburb because they were imposing on the habitat of some salmon, according to the AP. The homes were unoccupied but furnished with high-end stuff so rich people could tour them to determine if one fit their lifestyle. The "eco-terrorists," as authorities have deemed the hippies, left a spray-painted sign saying "Built Green? Nope black!" and also tagged "ELF" on the note so the federal government could easily link them to the Earth Liberation Front, which has been causing monetary damage to environmentally-threatening developments and companies for many years. The FBI said they could deal with the $7 million in damage that was caused but the insulting notes really pissed them off.
TUESDAY MARCH 4
A report in the entertainment news today suggested that American Idol contestant David Hernandez was formerly a male stripper in a gay Phoenix club called Dick's Cabaret. The news has already made Hernandez, one of eight remaining male performers in the talent show, popular among those who enjoy ruining the contest by voting for the worst performers just to embarrass them. Reports suggest that straight male viewers don't want to watch an openly gay man perform but believe they might be gay if they try to get him off the show by voting for other contestants.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]
