Dear Mr. Woodwiff,
If you're like most people, you have dreams. Big dreams. Maybe you'd like to drive a car luxurious enough to compensate for your lack of a viable personality. Or enjoy an indulgent getaway to a far-flung land with an unconscionably low age of sexual consent. Perhaps you dream of going underground for a few years in order to stalk vile abortionists. Or could it be you've outgrown your taste for gaudy jewelry and are ready to make the leap to garish?
Well, whatever it is you're dreaming of — unless you're dreaming of boring old financial security — it can now be yours*. When you carry one of the three prestigious new MetaMetallic Visa Cards from ChaseCapital Bancorp.
What's "MetaMetallic"? A class of card that transcends the traditional credit card "metals."
Cards that outshine the tarnished luster of Gold. That go beyond the tepid perks of Platinum. That even make the entitlements of Titanium seem humdrum.
To carry a ChaseCapital MetaMetallic Visa is to carry a credit card with the unprecedented power to gratuitously impress. Each time you remove it from your wallet or purse, you'll instantly demonstrate to retail clerks, hotel and restaurant employees, travel agents, almost any minimum-wage worker or ambient stranger just how very privileged and successful you are. It's like buying respect with every purchase.
Our three distinctive MetaMetallic Visas, each with its own exclusive benefits, staggering line of credit and subtly haughty cachet, offer you the unique opportunity to select the card best suited to your advantaged lifestyle. Which card is right for you? Only you can decide.**
The Plutonium Visa — Experience the explosive purchasing power of the Plutonium Visa, and you'll discover that the only thing it deters is a zero balance on your monthly statement. But this Visa isn't just everyplace you want to be: It's everyplace you've never been allowed before. Because the Plutonium Visa provides holders with the highest national security clearance offered by the United States Government. So you'll have access to everything from the secret S&M grotto added to the White House by William Howard Taft to the NASA bunker in Houston where Elvis runs the shuttle missions. Low credit payments can be spread out over the half-life of the card or 78 million years, whichever comes first. Benefits also include: Ground-Zero Billing, a waiver of your monthly bill should you become unemployed due to atomic warfare; unlimited admissions to Six Flags Over Toxic Barren Soil, the Utah theme park built atop a nuclear waste site; and a DVD of Silkwood.
The Scrimshaw Visa — This elegant credit card is the first to be carved from 100 percent whale ivory (purchased on the black market from Japanese poachers) and is beautifully handcrafted by underemployed Inuits. The Scrimshaw Visa hearkens back to a bygone era, yet is loaded with contemporary benefits designed for today's "compassionate conservative." It entitles holders to three meetings per year with the Secretary of the Interior in order to obtain exemptions from restrictive pollution standards. It serves as a handgun permit in all 50 states. And for an introductory period of six months, it bills women's purchases at a "glass ceiling" rate of 73 cents on the dollar. You also receive a $250,000 line of credit for use in lobbying, influence peddling or soft money campaign contributions, plus an interest rate keyed to the "city gas mileage" of the average SUV (currently a low, low 11.8 mpg, or 11.8 percent APR).
The Holy Grail Visa — Here's a card that's truly Divine. Blessed and/or consecrated by your choice of the Pope or Billy Graham, you'll always "Go (shopping) with God." Backed by a Merchant Dispute Advocacy group that resolves merchant disputes quickly and in your favor by invoking the Irrefutable Law of God. Also features an exclusive Congregational Concierge Service that will make your arrangements for hard-to-get-into afterlife venues. As a cardholder, you'll also be eligible to attend monthly services where you can join others in an endeavor to "pray down" interest rates.
So what are you waiting for? As a North American with a permanent mailing address and not residing south of the Mexican border, you're already pre-selected, pre-preferred, pre-evaluated, pre-thought-well-of and pre-approved. Simply complete the enclosed application and return it in the pre-paid envelope. Soon, you'll be flashing and flaunting your MetaMetallic Visa the world over. Fulfilling your dreams of a better life. Or, worst case, believing you are.
Vice-President, Perpetual Marketing
*Other dreams expressly excluded from offer of fulfillment include: spiritual insight, love of family, living forever, a higher IQ and a Beatles reunion.
** Final credit approval and assignment of MetaMetallic card type determined solely by ChaseCapital Bancorp.