Margarita Madness At The Purple People Bridge : May 17th

Ohioans Apparently Would Move to Florida if Given Chance to Live Anywhere Else

Ohioans would head to America's wang by a wide margin, a poll says.

Feb 7, 2023 at 10:40 am

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Photo: Donkey Hotey/FlickrCC

Florida 'Welcome' sign

Ohioans are just determined to live in crappy states, apparently.

A recent poll found that residents of the Buckeye State, if given the chance to live anywhere else in the country, would choose to live in Florida. You know Florida — the state that’s basically a swamp version of Ohio.

Family Destinations asked over 3,000 U.S. households where they’d like to move to if they could get a hypothetical clean break, and Florida was the best place we could think of because that's what our parents and their parents and Ohioans have thought forever. It's always been Florida. But why?

Florida, where Floridiots make headlines for wrestling alligators. Florida, whose governor wants to ban higher education diversity programs. Florida, where just saying the word “gay” in schools is a hotly contested political issue. You think the weather is bad here? Wait till you experience the swamp-crotch climate of America’s wang, a.k.a. Florida.

It’s no great surprise that people in a winter wonderland would find Florida more appealing. Who wouldn’t trade the snow for sandy (albeit sinking) beaches? Warm weather! No income tax! Schools without masks! Disney World!

The worst part about living in Ohio is that you live in Ohio, so it’s understandable that we would jump at any chance to get away.

But alas, life is not a survey, and we cannot up and leave whenever we want. Ohioans, at least, are still lured by our state’s comparatively cheap cost of living, uh, sports, and, um, other things.

We may dream of warmer weather and waters we can actually swim in, but we’ll still defend our home’s honor, despite all our pining to move somewhere better. But that better place is definitely not Florida.

This story was originally published by CityBeat's sister paper Cleveland Scene, with help from Monica Obradovic of the Riverfront Times, and is republished here with permission.

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