What a Week!: Dec. 13-19

Goodbye Zombie nativity, awkward award shows, legendary LGBTQ cake in Canada, MoonPies to the rescue and Clooney's best buds.

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click to enlarge Best snack on Twitter - Photo: Evan-Amos
Photo: Evan-Amos
Best snack on Twitter

Final Year for Local Zombie Nativity

All good things must come to an end, and thus 2017 will be the last year for the infamous local zombie nativity. Jasen Dixon of Sycamore Township erected his ghoulish take on the manger scene for the fourth and what he says is the final time. He debuted the display, complete with an undead baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph, in 2014 and soon caught worldwide attention — and lots of complaints. Unfortunately but unsurprisingly, some folks took issue with Dixon’s creepy depiction of the Christ child. The township took Dixon to court, citing zoning issues that amounted in 27 misdemeanor charges and $13,500 in fines. Last year those were all dropped and Sycamore pretty much stopped wasting time and money on the case. Still, Dixon says he is done with the zombie scene and only displayed it this year to appease its hordes of fans. He’ll either put it in storage or sell the pieces after Christmas. But who knows. Maybe, like any zombie, the scene will reanimate and wreak havoc once again.

Awards Shows to Address the Rapey Elephant in the Room

Awards season is coming up and the celebrity celebrations might be a bit more somber this year in light of the sexual harassment and assault revelations in Hollywood (and beyond). The Screen Actors Guild is addressing the issue by assembling a lineup of all women presenters at the SAG Awards. Kristen Bell will be the show’s first ever host of either gender. Meanwhile, dozens of actresses at the Golden Globes are rumored to be wearing black as a sort of silent protest. Rose McGowan, who has been outspoken about misogyny in the industry and accused Harvey Weinstein of raping her, pointed out on Twitter that this “silence” is part of the problem, suggesting that the women wear Marchesa (the fashion brand co-founded by Georgina Chapman, Weinstein soon-to-be ex-wife) instead. BURN.

Meanwhile, in Canada...

As the Supreme Court prepares to make a decision in the case involving a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for two men, an Ontario bakery created the “gayest cake” ever. To celebrate his engagement and upcoming nuptials, a Canadian man requested “the gayest cake they could make” from Cake & Loaf Bakery. The bakery happily obliged because they’re not miserable dicks, and what it created is almost too fabulous to eat. The rainbow cake is topped with colorful flowers and gold accents, including a gilded unicorn horn. At the base, LGBTQ-related terms like “inclusive,” “queer,” and “yas queen” are written in icing. Photos of this technicolor dream are quickly spreading across the webs in what must be excellent publicity for Cake & Loaf. Also: Beverly Hills 90210’s Brandon Walsh and Canadian babe Jason Priestley tweeted about the time he punched Harvey Weinstein in the face at a Miramax party after the 1995 Golden Globes. Thanks for leading by example, Canadians!

MoonPies Reclaim Relevance

Lately some corporate Twitter accounts have been going rogue, roasting people or offering messages completely unrelated to their brand (@DennysDiner is wonderfully weird and @Wendys was reviewing movies there for a minute for some reason). This week, it’s @MoonPie, the s’mores-like snack cake. The account has been offering odd musings (“Some days you’re the moon and other days you’re the pie not real sure what that means but if you’re feeling sad we can talk about it”), words of wisdom (“Informed opinions are like MoonPies they’re great to have”), reminders to vote on Election Day (“Please vote in your local elections but please don’t vote for us we only know how to make tasty MoonPies and we’d be in way over our heads”) and some fire memes. They completely shut down haters shit-talking the snack cake, joined forces with @Wendys and drew attention to a bot that’s been politely asking for a MoonPie every day on Twitter for the past four years. I’d make a joke about this being someone’s actual job, but they’re probably single-handedly responsible for an entirely new market becoming interested in the 100-year-old snack cake. Great job!

It Literally Pays to Be Friends with Clooney

I feel like a straight-up humanitarian if I exceed the Secret Santa spending limit by one cent, but I have nothing on George Clooney, who apparently gave 14 of his friends a millions dollars each one year. Longtime Clooney bud and husband of Cindy Crawford, Rande Gerber, told MSNBC about the time in 2013 when George invited his boys over and handed them each a suitcase filled with $1 million in $20 bills as a “thank you” for letting him couch surf back in the day. He even offered to pay the taxes on that cash! Shelling out $14 million on gifts is the epitome of #TooBlessedToBeStressed. While it was a life-changing gift for some of the guys, Gerber has a net worth of more than $100 million and was already super rich then, so he tried to refuse the generous gift. Clooney insisted. Hope you found some purpose for that suitcase of cash, Gerbs…

Epic Fail: British Cheese Tasting Event

Be wary of any event promising “unlimited” amounts of food or alcohol. There are few things people love more than either of those, and people often underestimate the power of a hangry human who has dropped cash on tickets. Remember this summer’s Taco Festival fiasco? Brits ran into a similar situation at the Giant Cheeseboard, a London festival promising unlimited cheese and mulled wine. Sounds like the perfect way to spend a winter day, except it wasn’t. Attendees who dropped $40 (£30) were disappointed to find long lines, scant amounts of cheddar cubes, stale crackers and diluted wine. Folks posted bleak photos and updates from the fest on social media, but the organizers are standing by their event, essentially calling all internet hate fake news. The Giant Cheese Board is set to continue on its final date this Saturday.

This Week in Questionable Decisions…

1. Omarosa out! Donald Trump’s director of communications for the White House Office of Public Liaison either quit or got fired (because what is truth) this week, making a dramatic exit that might or might not have included setting off alarms, cursing the president and being escorted out of the White House.

2. The FCC voted to repeal net neutrality. If you use the internet, you should care.

3. In an interview with Peter Travers, Matt Damon tried to point out that not all sexual misconduct is created equal, completely missing the point that his line of thinking is part of the problem.

4. Oxford Dictionaries named “youthquake,” a term coined in the 1960s that I’ve literally never heard, the word of the year.

5. The Trump administration has apparently banned the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from using the following words and phrases in its budget documents: fetus, diversity, transgender, vulnerable, entitlement, science-based and evidence-based.

6. Word spread Sunday morning that Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis would be stepping down at the end of the season, but Lewis denied the reports.

7. Fox gave A Christmas Story the live TV musical treatment which, despite a stellar cast and beloved source material, fell totally flat.

8. Will and Kate hosted a holiday party for Kensington Palace staffers, but they had to B their own B. Lame.

9. Ted Cruz tried to “smarm-splain*” Star Wars to Mark Hamill on Twitter, them got owned by Luke Skywalker himself. *Favorite new word courtesy of Hamill.

10. Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster mocked his illegal hit on Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict in a RUDE victory display during Sunday’s game against the Patriots. Because brain traumas are hilarious! At least the Steelers lost.

11. George Zimmerman threatened to feed Jay Z to an alligator in response to the Hov’s Trayvon Martin documentary.

Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]

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