Sometimes, a local news story comes along that takes importance over all national and global matters. People across the Tristate this week turned their attention away from national news, their work and families to focus on one shocking headline: Skyline changed its crackers. Following the outraged response on social media, The Enquirer, WCPO and other local media all reported on this important regional news. Skyline Chili had to use a new baker to make its hot sauce vehicle oyster crackers, and people are up in arms! Most complaints centered on them being buttery, salty and more crisp. We tried them here at “What a Week!” and the consensus was that they were on the saltier side, but that’s like saying the maraschino cherry on your sundae made it too sweet. The chili giant is reportedly working to recreate its original cracker recipe, but if that’s not quick enough for you, someone is selling a single packet of OG-recipe crackers for $999 on eBay.
THURSDAY, FEB. 16
Chris Rock performed at the Aronoff Thursday and Friday and surprised audiences by bringing on Adult Swim comedian and ranch enthusiast Eric Andre. Why wasn’t everyone tweeting about this unexpected special guest? Because Rock FORBIDS cell phones from his shows. Attendees had to place their phones in a special pouch called Yondr, which automatically locks in certain areas (inside a theater) and unlocks in designated phone zones (the theater lobby). But between shows Andre was posting up a storm as he documented a quintessentially Cincinnati stay: He ate Skyline (no word on his thoughts about the crackers), visited the Mercantile Library and even took a trip to the Queen City area’s brightest gem, the Creation Museum.
FRIDAY, FEB. 17
It rained in L.A. today. One day of intense showers and San Andreas practically unfolded. Yes, Californians are fucking stupid when it comes to anything involving traffic or inclement weather, but this was actually a pretty insane storm. Hopefully Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson kept everyone safe.
SATURDAY, FEB. 18
In its continuous assault on all that is sacred, Lifetime network debuted its Britney Spears original movie, Britney Ever After. Typically the network sticks to fictionalized crime against women and starlets gone too soon, so we can only assume they wanted to air this Britney flick in conjunction with the 10th anniversary of her infamous head-shaving incident. The Ever After title was quite fitting because the movie was as fictional and embellished as a goddamned fairytale! It starts in 1998, fast-forwarding through Spears’ formative Mickey Mouse Club years, as she first opens for *NSYNC on tour. And it case you missed the time stamp, Brit reminds us as she's scoping out her new tour bus: "Look, a furby! Are those cheese puffs? Cool friggin beans!" Direct translation: “It’s the ’90s, and I’m Britney Spears!” She soon meets a Ramen hair-era Justin Timberlake, and it should be noted that while no one in this film remotely resembles their real-life counterparts, this actor sounds just like JT, especially when he calls Brit “the bomb diggity,” which for Lifetime standards is a slam dunk performance.
Forty-five minutes in, around the “I’m a Slave 4 U” period, it appears Lifetime only got music rights to covers Britney did, like "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction" and "I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll.”Highlights: A Britney-Justin post-breakup dance-off in a club, which actually would have been an amazing music video concept in 2001. A constantly nail-biting Brit texts KFed, “I wnt 2 dvrce U.” Following her public meltdown, Britney scarfs down ribs at a photo shoot, wiping BBQ sauce on an expensive gown. Then the movie promptly ends in 2008, when her comeback wasn't even in full swing yet. No mention of her current, successful Vegas residency, and not a single Britney Spears song to be found! Now we want a dramatized Lifetime movie about the making of this dramatized Lifetime movie.
SUNDAY, FEB. 19
American Horror Story: The 2016 Election? Many a meme predicted what Fox network lifeblood Ryan Murphy confirmed on Watch What Happens Live this week: The next season of the horror anthology series will focus on the most recent presidential election. Murphy says he’s not sure whether it will include a Trump character and he doesn’t know what he’s going to call it yet, but he could recycle any previous title and it would be fitting: Murder (in the White) House, (Donald checks into the) Asylum, (Trump) Hotel or even just Freak Show.
MONDAY, FEB. 20
Like every ill-fitting trend and washed-up celeb from the 1990s, Zima is back! As if you needed something to drink about today. The Crystal Pepsi of booze, discontinued in 2008, will make its triumphant return sometime this year. And if that reboot wasn’t enough, a live-action Lion King movie happening with the original Mufasa, James Earl Jones, signed on alongside Donald Glover (Simba). Methinks these two throwbacks need to be enjoyed in tandem.
TUESDAY, FEB. 21
RIP Monopoly thimble. Game and toy company Hasbro last month asked the internet to vote for their favorite Monopoly token out of the eight current pieces (wheelbarrow, top hat, shoe) and 56 new designs (hashtag, various emojis, computer — you know where this is going). Unfortunately the thimble figurine, part of the game since the pieces were introduced in 1937, didn’t make the cut. Its replacement will be announced on March 19, World Monopoly Day (sidebar: these fake holidays must be stopped). This is not the first time a token has been deemed obsolete and replaced — in 2013, the iron piece was replaced by a cat (thank Downy Wrinkle Releaser for that one). And to anyone joking about millennials not knowing what a thimble is: The joke’s on you, because most people in America think Monopoly is just a McDonald’s promotion.
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