What a Week!: May 2-8

Boy Scouts let girls join; pooping bandits; Russell Crowe funds the John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward

Cue the Boy Scoutrage

The Boy Scouts of America will for the first time begin formally accepting girls this summer, and with that comes a change in name for the BSA’s flagship program. The Boy Scouts for kids in grades six through 12 will be known as “Scouts BSA” starting next February. But not everything is changing: The parent organization will continue to be called the Boy Scouts of America, and the Cub Scouts, which is for kids in kindergarten through fifth grade, will keep its title, too — however, all kids are welcome to join. The plan is for older kids to have separate troops for boys and girls, with both pursuing the same merit badges and enjoying outdoorsy adventures.

Somehow this turned into a conversation about transgender children in scouts, liberals trying to abolish gender and generally girls and women ruining everything. Hey, some kids want to camp and make birdhouses, some kids want to craft and sell cookies. What’s the problem? Really, this comes down to the BSA struggling to retain members and trying to snatch away some new blood from the Girl Scouts. People are fucking stupid. Leave me and my Thin Mints out of this mess.

click to enlarge DJ Khaled - Photo: Flickr.com/meghan.roberts
Photo: Flickr.com/meghan.roberts
DJ Khaled

DJ Khaled Ripe for Roasting

Khaled Mohamed Khaled, also known as DJ Khaled (and maybe Khaled Khaled?), is kind of an easy target (and no, that is not a fat joke). He’s on a ton of popular songs despite the fact that he doesn’t sing, rap, produce or even DJ anymore. He speaks in “major keys” and is desperately trying to make his baby son a brand (he and his wife have filed to trademark their son’s name, Asahd Tuck Khaled, on children’s products, fragrances, video games and clothing). He’s a Weight Watchers spokesman, reportedly looking to attract the young dad market to the weight loss program (he’s 42?). 

But it’s a recently resurfaced 2014 interview that has just about everyone roasting Khaled. While appearing on The Breakfast Club radio show four years ago, Khaled said he never goes down on his then-girlfriend, now-wife Nicole Tuck, and that she should be fine with it because he gives her a nice home and clothes. However, when the tables are turned, she is expected to perform oral sex on him because he’s the king and there are “different rules for men.” 

So, DJ Khaled is apparently not only obnoxious, but also a teenager who’s bad at sex (and rife with misogyny). As the video clip made its way across the internet, lots of celebrities chimed in to read Khaled, including Westworld’s Evan Rachel Wood, The Rock and even Smash Mouth. 

But it was Dictionary.com that delivered the sickest burn in the form of a definition: Double standard. A code containing different provisions for one group of people than for another, especially an unwritten code of sexual behavior permitting men more freedom than women. See also: DJ Khaled.

Congratulations, Khaled, you definitely just played yourself.

Poop Bandits in the News

Holmdel High School in New Jersey has been dealing with a stinky situation over the last few months. Specifically, human feces being left on the school’s track and football field, and it’s not just a one-time accident — we’re talking on a daily basis. What many believed to be the crappy pranking efforts of some kids was revealed to be the work of an actual adult man. The clincher: He’s the superintendent of a nearby school district. The issue had gotten so bad, Holmdel set up surveillance to catch the poopetrator and they finally did just that last week when they spotted Thomas Tramaglini running on the track in the early morning. The Kenilworth Public Schools superintendent has been charged for urination/defecation, dumping litter and lewdness. He’s also on paid leave. Is that what it takes to get PTO around here?

This reminds me of the “mad pooper” story of 2017, in which a Colorado woman regularly publicly popped a squat on her morning jogs, targeting on family’s yard in particular despite being close to public restrooms. Apparently, even though she was photographed, confronted by residents and covered by national media, they never ended up catching her! 

Hey, when you got the runs… (I’ll see myself out.)

Celebs Save Blockbuster, Koalas

John Oliver is no stranger to strange stunts that are as random as they are generous. See: his children’s book about the Pence family’s rabbit Marlon Bundo being gay, which has raised thousands of dollars for LGBTQ charities; and his “catheter cowboy” ads aired on Fox News aimed at educating the president. Oliver recently spent more than $10,000 at Russell Crowe’s divorce auction (sure, why not?) on various props, costumes and other mementos — including his leather jockstrap worn in Cinderella Man — as part of Oliver’s efforts to save one of the last remaining Blockbuster locations. 

There are less than 10 Blockbusters still operating in the U.S., and Alaska is home to more than half of the surviving video stores. Oliver selected an Anchorage location as the recipient of this Crowe memorabilia, which he hopes will lure in more movie lovers. Crowe himself got wind of this charitable act and responded to Oliver by honoring him in the best way he knew how: By naming a koala chlamydia ward after the talk show host. In a video from the Australia Zoo with the famed Irwin family, it was revealed that Crowe used the money raised at auction to help save koala lives at the John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward. That STD is no joke in the marsupial world! 

Big ups to Oliver and Crowe for combatting two important issues in the world: dying koalas and dying entertainment.

Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected] 

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