Better than real life rn.
WEDNESDAY NOV. 23
Two weeks after the presidential election, most Americans have at least somewhat made peace with the results. Others continue to protest, eagerly awaiting the outcome of calls for recounts. And then there’s Joe Chandler of Brunswick, Ga. This guy claims he does not know which candidate is now president-elect. And he doesn’t want to. Like many others, Chandler was invited to an election-watch party earlier this month. But all of that pearl-clutching and hand-wringing as the results rolled in started stressing him out, so he said, “Peace!” and never looked back. He’s been making his rounds on Atlanta local news and even the Today show, explaining his decision. “Having subtracted myself from this political fracas and all of the mayhem of the digital media, I kind of found the center of the cyclone, it is very peaceful in my bubble of ignorance,” Chandler said. In other words, namaste away from him with your election talk. He even claims to wear headphones and a sign that says “I don’t know who won, and I don’t want to. PLEASE DON’T TELL ME!” when he leaves the house. That’s really taking “no spoilers” to the next level.
THURSDAY NOV. 24
During the 90th-annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, an NYPD officer proposed to his girlfriend, a hip Mr. Peanut did the dab and Miss Piggy heroically saved an unsteady Tony Bennett from falling off a moving float. It wouldn’t be Turkey Day without football, and national treasure Aretha Franklin kicked off the Lions vs. Vikings game with a rousing rendition of the “Star-Spangled Banner.” Anyone who protested that national anthem was hopefully wearing knee pads, because Aretha drug that shit out for nearly five minutes. And you thought your grandma took forever to say Grace before you could start eating. And in the great tradition of Thanksgiving, while some camped outside of big box stores in the hopes of getting a deal on electronics, indigenous people and allies camped out at Standing Rock to protest the Dakota Access Pipeline. It’s comforting to know in this crazy, mixed-up world, American government is still intent on poisoning its country’s natives and stealing their land.
FRIDAY NOV. 25
It was a truly Black Friday as news broke that America’s mother, Florence Henderson, passed away on Thanksgiving Day. Prayer circles are currently surrounding Betty White, who is freebasing virgin’s blood to ensure her name stays off the growing list of icons we’ve lost in 2016. Joining Mrs. Brady in the big blended family in the sky was controversial Cuban leader Fidel Castro, who died Friday at age 90. He famously remarked, after so many false reports of his demise over the years, that no one would believe it when he really passed away. Well, he did. Miami celebrated and Cuba observed nine days of mourning while most of us just continued watching Gilmore Girls.
SATURDAY NOV. 26
Wall Street Journal movie critic Joe Morgenstern confused actor Dev Patel with Kal Penn in a review of Patel’s film Lion. Alas, Slumdog Millionaire and Kumar are not the same person, and readers sounded off on Twitter about the error. This is not the first time that a *cough* respected media outlet has confused two major actors of South Asian descent; Salon last year reported that Silicon Valley star Kumail Nanjiani also appeared in Big Bang Theory. Only he didn’t — that’s Kunal Nayyar, but at least those guys have similar names. Not only do these kinds of mistakes make journalists look less credible and a little racist, but it demonstrates a complete lack of IMDB aptitude, which is expected from even the least professional entertainment writer/human being today.
SUNDAY NOV. 27
Conservative Hollywood stars in general are few and far between. But now that the GOP is back in charge, Republican comedians like Rob Schneider and Tim Allen are coming out of the woodwork to “destroy liberals” — as not-at-all biased headlines argue — with biting jokes and commentary about left-wing crybabies. Watch out, Dems: The one and only Deuce Bigalow male gigolo and a former cocaine dealer-turned-Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor are here to tell America how it is. Uncle! Uncle!
MONDAY NOV. 28
Donald Trump posted a Thanksgiving message on Instagram Thursday, wishing everyone a happy holiday with a picture of him and his serial killer-looking family that said, “Happy Thanksgiving — November 28, 2016.” Of course, Thanksgiving was Nov. 24. The last time it landed on the 28th was 2013, and the next time it does will be 2019, but those little details called facts didn’t push Trump to remove or edit the photo. Oddly enough, Nov. 28 is also the date he mistakenly told Florida voters to come out on Election Day. Again, voting took place on Nov. 8, so it was probably just a slip of the tongue (dry heave). But obviously this date is important, which leads us to question… What exactly does Trump have planned for Nov. 28? Here are our best guesses:
- It’s his friendship anniversary with Vladimir Putin
- An Ice-T-centric Law and Order: Special Victims Unit marathon
- The day his fresh orangutan weave ships from the wig shop
- Cyber Monday shop-a-thon!
- Celebrating the late, great Anna Nicole Smith’s birthday
TUESDAY NOV. 29
Full House star Jodie Sweetin spoke at Northern Kentucky University this week about her experience with addiction, raising money for an organization called NKY Hates Heroin. The actress, who played middle-child Stephanie Tanner in the sitcom, struggled with alcohol and drug use, including meth, after her time on the show. In the last year, Sweetin has starred in the anticipated Netflix spinoff Fuller House, then competed on Dancing With the Stars and now she’s doing Midwestern college appearances? Is this the best gig her manager can get for her? How rude!
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]
