This week kicked off on a sour note with the third and final presidential debates. (Editor’s note: CityBeat weeks run Wednesday through Tuesday, thanks to our production schedule, which means Wednesdays are kinda like Mondays and Tuesdays are a really bad time to call our office asking a staffer to Google something for you. #printmediaprobs.) The name-calling! The bullshitting! It was just what we all predicted. But remember: When our presidential candidates go low, we get high. To numb the pain and trick ourselves into thinking we’re watching a comical Saturday Night Live parody, the final debate served up nasty women, ripped-out babies, Trump swapping the word “yuge” for “bigly,” bad hombres and a pussybow in a pear tree. Fox’s Chris Wallace was the real MVP, holding both parties accountable and not taking any bullshit. Some thought Trump’s attempt at clinching the Latino vote by using the one Spanish word he learned that day was a reference to unfortunate ombré hair dye jobs, but perhaps Trump just really likes Pee-wee’s Playhouse. Any true fan (we like to call ourselves Paul Reubenators) will recall the show’s mini cartoon El Hombre!
THURSDAY, OCT. 20
Once his term is up in January, President Barack Obama will finally get to kick back, relax, let his hair grow out, smoke cigs — maybe begin to resemble his cool, college-aged self again. A new Netflix movie debuting in December will explore that time of his life, and it’s called… Barry! The man isn’t even out of the White House yet and already there’s been two major movies about him. Iconic. And speaking of post-presidency plans, we know what Joe Biden will be doing: driving like a fucking boss. Papa Joe loves his classic cars, which he revealed in the upcoming season of Jay Leno’s Garage (that’s what Leno’s up to now… OK, move along). On the episode, Biden takes his ’67 Corvette out for a spin — for the third time since his tenure as veep. He says not being allowed to drive, a strict rule for the first- and second-in-command, has been the worst part of the job. Really, Joe?
FRIDAY, OCT. 21
A massive internet outage hit the East Coast Friday, preventing millions of hardworking Americans from enjoying their well-earned Friday Morning Fuck Around Time. The blackout was a result of what’s called a distributed denial-of-service, or DDoS attack, which basically floods servers with so much information that users can’t get through to websites. Some real-life Mr. Robot shit. The cyberattack is a great reminder for everyone to create an internet contingency plan. What will you do if the net goes down? Watch The Intern for the fifth time (why is it so good?); see how many items from Taco Bell you can consume in one sitting; rank the Trump children in order of creepiness; paint your nails, accidentally smudge one, pick off the polish of that nail, then every other one until you’re sitting in a pile of polish confetti, repeat.
SATURDAY, OCT. 22
When our collective childhood memories shattered in 2014 after the official closing of Blockbuster, one solitary video store location remained open — and it still is today (allegedly). The Twitter account @loneblockbuster garnered attention over the weekend for claiming to be associated with the single functioning location — and for being really, really funny. While the account might not actually represent an off-the-grid Blockbuster, it’s worth a follow for gems like “Remember when Screech stabbed that guy in Wisconsin? Rent season two of Saved By the Bell today,” and “Unlike with Netflix, your Blockbuster accounts are 100% safe except for the time Darren was caught selling your credit card numbers.” Meanwhile in Walnut Hills, a “video store” from the folks behind The Shining-inspired Pleasant Ridge bar Overlook Lodge opened Saturday, revealing that the shop is just a cover for a speakeasy-style bar for movie lovers. Patrons must find the hidden entryway to gain access to the Tarantino-themed drinkery, where they’ll find references to Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill, Death Proof and more in the form of drinks, decor and movie screenings. If they really wanted to stay true to theme, the password to enter would be the N word, but it appears that is where they draw the line.
SUNDAY, OCT. 23
The Walking Dead premiered on Sunday night, answering the question fans had been asking since the cliffhanger finale last spring: “Who did Negan kill?” It’s pretty much the “Who shot J.R.?” of this generation. Without ruining the surprise, we’ll just say fans were left pretty shaken up by the answer. If you’re still not caught up and are trying to avoid spoilers, go ahead and delete all social media apps and avoid the internet at all costs — just unplug until you see it. Refer back to Friday’s internet contingency plan.
MONDAY, OCT. 24
Former celebrity couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are selling their winery chateau in France. If you’ve got a spare 60 million bones, it’s yours! Brangelina-no-more purchased the property in 2012 and got married there two years later. So, in other words, it’s obviously cursed. You know during happier times they had sex in every one of the place’s 35 rooms, in its olive groves, in its moat, on each of its 1,200 acres…
TUESDAY, OCT. 25
Can the Notorious RBG do no wrong? Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been a lifelong champion of women’s rights, she’s whip-smart and sassy, she’s the star of a comic book and at age 126 (approximately), she can supposedly still do 20 push-ups. Even when she missteps, like when she criticized the Colin Kaepernick-led national anthem protest, she educates and corrects herself. Next up, she’s taking the stage. Ginsburg will perform the non-singing role of the Duchess of Krakenthorp in Italian composer Gaetano Donizetti’s comedy The Daughter of the Regiment. The woman who puts the supreme in Supreme Court will make her operatic debut in a one-night performance next month.
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