Monopoly Man Trolls Equifax Hearing
Who didn’t get caught up in the Equifax hack? The credit reporting agency was compromised some time between May and July, which means some Elliot Alderson-type might have the Social Security numbers, credit card and other personal info belonging to you and more than 145 million Americans. Odds are that when the incident was announced last month, you typed in your last name and social (wait, was that a trap?) to see if you were affected, and the answer was a resounding “probs.” To make up for it, Equifax is offering free credit monitoring for a year (cool thanks!). The company also has to appear before the Senate Banking Committee, and on Wednesday former Equifax CEO Richard Smith testified — but all eyes were on an attendee in the background: the Monopoly Man! As Smith took responsibility for the breach with prepared remarks, a protester dressed as that miserly board-game fuck — complete with top hat, walrus mustache and cartoonish bags of cash — listened intently in a seat behind him. Amanda Werner, representing advocates for financial reform and regulations, gave an Oscar-worthy photobombing performance, twisting her mustache and pulling out a monocle throughout the hearing. She even handed out Get Out of Jail Free cards, a nod to financial institutions consistently skirting the law. Fun fact: The Monopoly man has a name — Rich Uncle Pennybags. WTF?
Bearded Guy Enjoys Jeopardy! Fame, Winning Streak
There have been approximately 598,642 Jeopardy! contestants over the years, so if you want to stand out from the know-it-all game show crowd, you either have to score big in terms of cash, a long winning streak or have an interesting look/personality. Contestant Austin Rogers is checking all the boxes and becoming something of a celebrity overnight. The bearded bartender from New York is owning Jeopardy! right now and, in the words of host Alex Trebek, “He’s got hair, he’s got chutzpah and broad-based knowledge.” Continuing his streak this week, Rogers has won the most money — more than $330,000 — in the shortest amount of time: nine episodes. Rogers essentially embodies an English adjunct at your local college: disheveled salt-and-pepper hair and beard, quirky personality, corduroy suit jacket, grew up on a nature preserve, boasts questionable dance moves. But unlike a humanities professor, Rogers will be walking away with at least six figures. (Sorry, educators of America.)
R.I.P. A.I.M. (1997-2017)
Most of us can’t wait to get through 2017 and hope for at least a tinier shit pile in the new year. But even though everything from the ’90s is coming back again, one millennium icon will not make it to 2018. AOL Instant Messenger will be discontinued on Dec. 15, after 20 years. Most of us probably didn’t even know A.I.M. was still around, but back in the day it was the millennial communication tool of choice (along with the Nokia 5110). A.I.M. offered a way to tie up your mom’s phone line for hours on end, talk to the opposite sex with the help of your five closest friends or gain some early experience in catfishing. Gone are the emo away messages left as subtle cries for attention! Dead are the animated buddy icons, the original memes! Silent are the triggering sound effects! Honestly, being left on “read” is the modern equivalent to hearing that A.I.M. door slam and seeing that your crush signed off mid-convo.
McDonald’s Appeases Rick and Morty Fans with Sauce
If you’re a Rick and Morty fan or a lifelong McNugget consumer with a penchant for limited-edition dipping sauces, you probably knew that the Golden Arches brought back their previously discontinued Szechuan sauce. If you’re not, a little context: In 1998, McDonald’s introduced a Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce in conjunction with its promotion of the Disney movie Mulan, which is not at all racist or problematic in any way. In an episode this year, the Adult Swim show Rick and Morty revealed that the reason dimension-hopping mad scientist Rick travels through alternate realities is to get another taste of that rare dipping sauce. So on Saturday, a limited number of Micky D’s were supplied packets of Szechuan — and that shit ran out real fast. Fans protested, rallying outside drive-thrus calling for a Ronald McBoycott. Seriously, these Rick and Morty fans are extra. I get that it’s a really deep, dark comedy even though it’s a cartoon! Still not interested! McDonald’s promised to re-up on the savory syrup this winter, promising to serve Mulan McNugget sauce to the masses once again.
Bella Hadid’s “Sneaker Shopping” Interview Has Internet Shook
Pop culture magazine Complex regularly covers sneaker news and trends, and its video series “Sneaker Shopping” features artists and athletes whose shoe game is on point. It’s not always your typical sneakerhead — host Joe La Puma has interviewed video vixen Amber Rose, comedian Kevin Hart and even Chumlee from Pawn Stars — but they generally have an interest in Jordans, Adidas and other trainers. This week, model Bella Hadid’s episode of “Sneaker Shopping” dropped and that shit was uncomfortable AF. The It Girl model du jour, daughter of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Yolanda Hadid (which should give some indication of her upbringing), was dubbed “caucasian narc” by Twitter thanks to her unnatural blaccent, seemingly feigned interest in Air Force Ones and frequent use of terms like “homeboy,” “dope” and “fresh.” She also used the phrase “it’s quiet” to describe when a “homeboy” (potential love interest?) will not be “getting it” (sex?). Stop trying to make “it’s quiet” happen, Bella. It’s not going to happen!
This Week in Questionable Decisions
- During his visit to Puerto Rico, Donald Trump tossed individual rolls of paper towels into a crowd of hurricane survivors like a dude with a goddamn T-shirt gun at a basketball game.
- The FDA sent a warning letter to a Massachusetts bakery requesting that it remove “love” from a list of granola ingredients.
- Applebee’s is offering $1 margaritas all month in an effort to get us drunk enough to actually eat its food lure millennials.
- White, rich, British and definitely not African fashion designer Stella McCartney used a ton of ankara — brightly colored printed wax fabric popular in West Africa — in her collection, shown on mostly white models, at Paris Fashion Week.
- Pro-life congressman Tim Murphy is being called a dickhead hypocrite after texts revealed he urged his mistress to get an abortion.
- Psychology expert Kirstie Alley attributes the growing number of mass shootings since the 1980s to psychiatric drug use, which was nonexistent before then.
- Just in time for the upcoming holiday season, news came out that the IRL Santa Claus’ tomb has been discovered, ruining the lives of millions of children.
- Fresh off getting squished by a giant pistol stage prop during a recent concert, Marilyn Manson told Rolling Stone he a) has smoked human bones and b) once hid from police in Trump Tower.
Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]
