Archdiocese: Ice Bucket Challenge Can Sit on a Tack
The Internet is a wonderful place, full of important information and videos of people tripping over things in stores. It’s also a useful tool for starting viral trends, most of which don’t help anyone (selfies) but some that do (video of cops acting like dicks). The ongoing Ice Bucket Challenge falls into the latter category, a sort of video chain letter asking people to dump buckets of ice water on their heads to spread awareness of ALS, a neurodegenrative disease that leads to paralysis and death. But the rush to be a part of the cause (and the resulting funny videos of people getting hurt doing the challenge) isn’t sitting well with the Cincinnati Archdiocese, specifically the part where the ALS Association spends some of the funds raised on research that involves embryonic stem cells. The Archdiocese last week asked principals at Cincinnati Catholic schools not to encourage kids to give money to this particular organization because messing around with the stem cells is kind of like aborting a microscopic baby. The sinful things scientists are doing to try to cure ALS were reportedly first brought up by bloggers at Patheos.com, a website dedicated to “hosting the conversation on faith” that currently features thoughtful commentaries on modern life such as articles titled “How Racist Are You?,” “Progress Is a Myth: Where Will We Find Salvation?” and “Jesus Isn’t Going to Take My Zoloft.” **
** We at WWE! did not make these up. They are real. Seriously.
Local Authorities Score Awesome Weapons from Feds
American police can be pretty intimidating — they carry much better weapons, for instance, than cops in England who for some reason walk around armed only with one beating stick and a whistle (wouldn’t a pair of nunchuks fit on their toolbelt fairly easily as well?). Despite the general acceptance that Americans prefer police who can actually stop somebody from doing something bad, recent reports have detailed how several local police forces are scoring the type of weapons Obama used to kill Saddam Hussein and then using them against any locals who think about trying to rise up. Because the government is continually spending our tax dollars creating even more deadly shit, Greater Cincinnatians could one day find themselves staring at the wrong end of some of the country’s slightly used weapons, like an M 16 rifle (Butler County Sheriff’s Office; scary), Humvee (Newport Police; overkill kinda), an armored rescue vehicle (Covington; actually probably good), chemical light sticks (Oxford Police; not sure what those are) or men’s socks (Campbell and Kenton County agencies; seems weird). Campbell County also reportedly scored a copier and fax machine but said it didn’t think Obama would actually send them and only filled out the request as a joke.
Chicago Cubs Mess Up Obamacare Like Everything Else They Do
Cincinnati sports fans generally know their place — an inglorious, purgatory-like existence somewhere above Cleveland and Chicago but below Pittsburgh and St. Louis. Kinda sucks, but at least the Chicago Cubs are doing their part to ensure that Cincinnati fans won’t fall any further anytime soon — the team last week found itself on the losing end of an appeal after the San Francisco Giants pointed out how badly the team’s ground crew failed to cover the field during a rain delay. The reason? The Cubs reportedly cut ground crew hours to keep employees below work limits that would have required the team to provide health insurance benefits according to Obamacare. The result? A 15-person crew flailing about while attempting to pull the big-ass piece of plastic across the diamond in the pouring rain. Fans, who assumed the grounds crew was just really shitty like most of the Cubs players, booed the people trying to protect the field before realizing if it got wet enough they wouldn’t have to watch the team play anymore.
Unloved Children Facing Stricter Tattoo, Piercing Rules
Do you want a tattoo or piercing on your breasts or genitals and even though you’re only 17 your parents are going to let you do it? Bad news: You only have until Sept. 1 to get that My Little Pony tat on your boob or stainless steel bar jammed through your dick before a new Ohio Department of Health rule goes into effect restricting underage tattoos and piercings. The new rule also bans places in the mall that pierce unloved children’s cartilage with piercing guns. Some tattoo shops say they like the new rules because half the time a parent brings a kid in to get tatted they end up getting one themself and it’s almost always a Tasmanian Devil.
Sen. Brown: Eat at Wendy’s and White Castle or the Terrorists Win
Nothing is sacred and you can’t trust anyone except yourself — and that’s only when you haven’t been drinking and no one is willing to lend you money to do whatever impulsive thing seems like a good idea at any given time (skiing, probably). Burger King proved as much this week by considering a merger with a Canadian company, probably in a blatantly un-American attempt to avoid U.S. taxes. U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown used the King’s communist, socialist, atheist, Satan-worshipping decision to point out that Ohioans who like the taste of salt and probably can’t run very fast can always turn to Wendy’s and White Castle, both of which are based in Ohio, for delicious hamburgers and various fried side items. To help affect positive change like lowering the statutory corporate tax rate (yay!) and helping create a global minimum tax rate (huh?), Sen. Brown encouraged Ohioans to eat whatever pretzel bun bullshit the red-haired woman is singing about in Wendy’s commercials or, if consuming copious amounts of booze, eight or nine sliders at a time.
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