Worst Week Ever! June 03-09

If there is one thing that American grocery stores can agree on, it’s that they would rather see most of their unsold yet edible food go into the dumpster than the digestive system of people who for one reason or another can’t afford to purchase it.

Jun 3, 2015 at 9:36 am
click to enlarge It’s for your own good, man.
It’s for your own good, man.

Smarmy French People Come Up with Plan to Nourish and Show Compassion to Others

If there is one thing that American grocery stores can agree on, it’s that they would rather see most of their unsold yet edible food go into the dumpster than the digestive system of people who for one reason or another can’t afford to purchase it. This is not the case everywhere, however. In fact, France’s parliament last week voted unanimously to make it illegal for grocers there to toss food in the trash that could still be eaten. Starting in July 2016, French grocers caught throwing away food rather than donating it can be fined $82,000. Part of the problem with selling food in France is one we deal with in America, where people do not realize that the “sell by” date is not the last day the food can be consumed without getting parasites and turning into some sort of zombie. It is hoped that France’s compassionate, food chain efficiency-improving measures serve as an inspiration to other nations who aren’t sure if it’s better to give something to someone who needs it or throw it in the garbage. Here in America, citizens have been unable to really point out anything negative about this other than the fact that most bread won’t mold for weeks after taking it home from the store so it’s pretty much a free-for-all once the purchase-by date has passed.

Shooting Endangered Species to Help Preserve Them Makes Sense if You’re Rich and a Total Tool

Pretty much everyone knows there are a lot of problems in the world because most of the people who have tons of money and contribute to creating and enforcing our societal and cultural norms got rich through dirty tricks or are awful people in other ways. One of those ways might even be associating your manhood/identity with killing endangered species with high-powered rifles. Your blue-collar change-saving ass might think that if you were stupid rich you would use your wealth to do things that help conserve, protect and otherwise better stuff. Apparently once you are rich, that line of thinking doesn’t come as naturally and you end up paying $350,000 for a permit to kill a black rhino in Namibia. At least that’s how Spoiled Oil Heir Corey Knowlton went about blowing some of his money. Knowlton contends that the rhino he sent to Heaven was too old to be part of the gene pool and was a potential danger to younger males, plus his money will go toward the conservation effort he is helping by killing one of the rare animals. A CNN reporter went to Namibia to observe the hunt, noting the type of things one black rhino did to deserve being killed by a rich American, including “slowly walking, eating grass and taking naps in the shade to avoid the rising sun.”

City Residents’ Lazy Asses Struggle to Follow Common-Sense Trash Procedures

You used to have to keep smelly animals around to eat your trash and then just burn the rest or dump it in the river. Then the city of Cincinnati started trash collection in old-timey wagons and kept up with modern trends by offering the high level of service and dependability most city residents use today. However, after a month of warning people that they need to put their trash out in receptacles and not just toss it all over the street, the city got pissed off and will now fine customers $50 for treating their trash pick-up area as if it were the county dump. During the next year, fine money will be saved, invested and used to fund an ad campaign tentatively titled “Putting Your Trash Out: How Goddamned Hard is it?”

Cincinnati Police Captain Proposes “Pass the Buck” Idea to Curtail Crime in Cincinnati

The problem with fighting crime is that we do a really shitty job of it because the police have been wasting a huge chunk of their resources over the years trying to catch and punish people for drugs, which the police can’t even keep out of jails. The frustration of law enforcement members is totally understandable, as they are asked to cover and arrest people for way too many kinds of behaviors. At WWE!, we like to shift blame to others because it’s often the easiest thing to do (typos are the copy editor’s fault; bad joke, blame the printer). Sometimes Cincinnati’s finest feel the same way, as Cincinnati Police Capt. Maris Herold last week told a group in Walnut Hills, which included a reporter, that she would like to push crime down into Kentucky. Despite The Enquirer quoting her as saying, “I don’t care if you quote me at this point,” the police later said she was quoted out of context and was just commenting on the many cars with Kentucky license plates visiting Ohio to buy drugs. Northern Kentucky leaders were reportedly diplomatic in their responses, though several included comments about UK kicking the shit out of UC in the NCAA basketball tournament in March, which seemed unnecessary.

Brian Williams Is Going to be on TV Again, Proving to America that He Is Influential Bro

This Worst Week Ever! author fought bravely in Iraq and Afghanistan. Just kidding, if I lied about something like that, the repercussions would be severe and justifiable. That’s the important thing about telling lies about proximity to military combat — if you know the right people you can make up as much crap as you want and still have a high-paying job with vacation and benefits. Such is the case for Brian Williams, who NBC would reportedly like to keep on TV in some capacity, just not in the NBC Nightly News anchor chair. Network bigwigs are apparently trying to “think creatively” about how to utilize Williams, and the best idea so far is to have the actor relate conspiracies like the one about thousands of migrant slave laborers being killed for the sake of constructing infrastructure to host a soccer tournament, then use polls to see if people will believe such things are actually happening in the world. 

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]