Worst Week Ever!: May 28-June 3

For many Cincinnatians, the scariest part of going across the Western Hills Viaduct is not knowing which lane you should be in as you wrap around that McDonald’s that greets you on the West Side — one wrong turn and you could be headed down State Street

Jun 4, 2014 at 10:04 am
Ease up, bro!
Ease up, bro!

West Siders Ask for $50 Million, Everyone Is Like “Hell Nah, Bruh”

For many Cincinnatians, the scariest part of going across the Western Hills Viaduct is not knowing which lane you should be in as you wrap around that McDonald’s that greets you on the West Side — one wrong turn and you could be headed down State Street and wondering both what year it is and if parts of Gummo were filmed there. While unsettling and unfamiliar to those of us who never venture across yon viaduct, a far bigger West Side threat is looming. Namely, it’s the suggestion that Cincinnatians all over should pay millions of dollars to plan for a replacement bridge that can handle commuter rail that could someday link West Side neighborhoods to downtown and other destinations. Cincinnati is a weird old city where we still have roadways called viaducts, so there is a chance that this cockamamie idea will get approved. Before deciding, local government officials would like proponents of this transit expansion plan to explain what things there actually are to do on their side of the tracks other than get pizza from drive-thrus or look at the post-apocalyptic wasteland that Price Hill has become.

Politicians Demand That Other Government Workers Stop Dicking Around

Believe it or not, 90 percent of skin cancers are a result of exposure to the sun. Funny how that works. Cincinnati’s 2014 spring began on an unidentified date and is pretty much over now. That means that the next few months are going to be hot and the asphalt will be breathing. That’s why Ohio’s own U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown would like the good folks at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to get off their lazy asses and approve some stronger and better sunscreen lotions before we all spontaneously combust and burn together this July and August. The FDA currently has a backlog of more than 10 years on approving new innovations that may or may not accelerate our paths to the great hereafter. The FDA has told the American public dozens of things over the years were safe that turned out to cause birth defects, sudden deaths and all sorts of other stuff you hear about on lawyers’ daytime TV commercials. The chemicals in the new and improved-but-unapproved sunscreen already received approval in Europe and Canada. Senator Brown is a part of a bipartisan effort to cut through the red tape and move quickly to approve products that will minimize the damage wrought by our pissed off and angry cancer-causing sun. Sponsors of the effort note that they are willing to take this issue on because the sun is not represented by a bunch of jackals in suits who influence our government like the tobacco lobbyists who used to deny that cigarettes cause cancer.

City Hall Workers Get a Bit of Time Off Thanks to Hunk of Metal

City Hall was closed for a bit last Monday morning as Cincinnati Police, fire fighters and the bomb squad assembled outside the building to investigate a suspicious item people thought could be a bomb. In order to make the concerned citizen who called in seem less dumb, Cincinnati Police Capt. Paul Broxterman told The Enquirer that the device “had the appearance of a World War II bomb,” so police set up a perimeter and sent in a bomb squad robot to check it out. It was quickly determined that the hunk of metal was likely a pressure tank or a water tank that fell off a passing truck. A fire official described it in less-detailed fashion, saying he saw the same exact thing in Saving Private Ryan but opted to call it “just a piece of junk.” Firefighters quickly removed the item before Mayor John Cranley was able to arrive on the scene and make jokes about how he thought the piece of junk looked like one of them stupid streetcars.

Enquirer Breaking News: Cities Give Incentives to Hollywood So They’ll Come Here to Do Stuff

Every time something cool happens in Cincinnati, people who do not value art, national reputation or other things that help cities grow and remain relevant start complaining about how everything costs too much money and nobody should ever have fun. Case in point: recent movies filmed in Cincinnati, like George Clooney’s Ides of March and Cate Blanchett’s Carol. The Enquirer recently reported that state incentive programs designed to lure Hollywood filmmakers here have cost the state nearly $36 million in taxpayer money. Since 2010, Ohio’s Motion Picture Tax Credit has landed 39 movie shoots within the state, with several more already approved in the near future. People with more than a rudimentary grasp of economics or the value of art have no problem with this, while others reason that if zero movies were filmed in Ohio we would have to give zero dollars in tax breaks, so that would be preferable.

Local Amusement Park Ride Lives Up to Name, Upsetting Riders

The problem with the thrill-seeking crowd is that there is no comfortable medium for them. It’s either not as hardcore or challenging as [FILL IN THE BLANK] or it’s too dangerous and unsafe. Look at the roller coaster crowd that frequents Kings Island. For two decades, the indoor coaster “Flight of Fear” has been in operation without much fanfare. Then after just one incident involving a motor maybe starting to catch fire and filling the ride with smoke, everyone is complaining about it. Kings Island spokespeople note that the ride was not called the “Flight of Safety” and that the situation made for a more entertaining experience than being stuck at the top of an outdoor coaster with nothing to think about except how dumb it was to go up that high in the first place.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]