Several years ago, I developed a fascination with “bad music” when a friend loaned me a copy of the book Incredibly Strange Music: Vol. 1 from the fringe publisher RE/Search. It’s not the Nickelback brand of bad, and really the term “bad” doesn’t necessarily fit. “Strange,” “weird” or “funny” might be better descriptions. It’s music that’s entertaining in its oddness and often humorous (usually unintentionally), though I rarely felt like I was laughing “at” the artists.
In 2004, offbeat film icon John Waters reignited my interest in the subject, this time with a holiday flair. Featuring the kind of kitschy music one would expect from the filmmaker behind Pink Flamingos, the A John Waters Christmas compilation album featured often-obscure song oddities from various eras and genres, from the creepy, religious “Happy Birthday Jesus” from 1959 (with “spoken word” provided by a small child credited as “Little Cindy”) to 1973’s “Santa Claus is a Black Man” to Tiny Tim’s rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Though sadly out of print, it’s one of my favorite Christmas albums because it does something good holidays songs should do — spread cheer and joy by tickling my (twisted) funny bone. The songs also offer occasionally unpleasant but at the very least illuminating snapshots of what life was like in particular eras.
Last year, largely in an effort to make my adolescent daughter laugh (she inherited my sense of humor), I got back into the bizarre-Christmas-music game, becoming something of a “collector” of both oddities and legitimately cool but lesser-known tracks. Thanks to Spotify, I suddenly had access to a whole new universe of “weird/funny/crappy/cool” (as I titled the subsequent playlist) Christmas chestnuts.
Initially I compiled a somewhat maddening 437-song playlist, which I eventually whittled down to a slightly less maddening 121 tracks. My research left me amazed at the sheer number of artists from every corner of music who have released Christmas-themed songs.
Below you’ll find a few highlights from my eccentric new holiday tradition (and below the highlights you can listen to the playlist in full).
(WARNING: If you’re highly sensitive, easily offended and lack a sense of humor, don’t waste your time on this occasionally politically incorrect playlist. You’ll be better off with time-honored classics like the wintertime sexual assault anthem “Baby It’s Cold Outside” or Irving Berlin’s pioneering war-on-Christmas battle cry, “Happy Holiday.”)
-
Big Freedia – “Rudy, The Big Booty Reindeer”:
More a drastic reimagining than a “cover,” Big Freedia gives Rudolph a twerk-friendly Bounce makeover on this track from last year’s A Very Big Freedia Christmazz. This should replace Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” as the biggest Christmas song of the modern era.
-
The Fans – “I Want a Beatle for Christmas”:
On Dec. 15, you could buy a $72 box set of The Beatles’ throw-away fan-club Christmas messages, or you could just fire up the ol’ streaming box and rock out to this early-Beatles-styled novelty tune from 1964, credited only to “The Fans.” Not to be confused with Becky Lee Beck’s song of the same exact name or comedic actress Dora Bryan’s “All I Want for Christmas is a Beatle,” this shuffling ditty features “Jingle Bells” background vocals (but changed to “Ringo Bells,” which probably seemed hilarious at the time) and bratty, insistent lyrics (if the lead singer doesn’t get an actual human Beatle on Christmas morning, she threatens to “never love Santa again”).
-
Bobby “Boris” Pickett – “Monster’s Holiday”:
Mr. Pickett’s career in music is hilarious in itself, as he remade his one big hit, the Halloween classic “Monster Mash,” about 10,000 times to try to strike gold again. And it actually made for a sustainable career (well, at least the royalties from the original "Monster Mash" did). For this version, Pickett adds the essential Christmas-song requirement (sleigh bells) and sings in his best Boris Karloff voice about classic monsters getting presents, to which Frankenstein’s monster at one point reacts with a “Arrrhhhhhhh — Santa good!”
-
Tommy Tutone – “867-5309/Jenny (Christmas Version)”:
Similar to Bobby Pickett, Tommy Tutone never was able to live up to the success of his one hit, 1981’s “867-5309/Jenny,” so in 2009 he just gave the people the Tommy Tutone they wanted and re-recorded the song, along with a Christmas version for a compilation. The holiday spin is almost exactly the same as the original, with added sleigh bells (of course) and the basic lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” singing those words in the chorus instead of Power Pop’s most famous phone number.
-
Bitch Crosby – “Christmas is Here”:
If you’re looking to light up your holiday with some pumping hardcore EDM, Bitch Crosby (the pseudonym of an unknown producer whose discography consists solely of these kind of holiday jams) has you covered. This track — which drops “Carol of the Bells” melodies into its Bass-heavy train-wreck of beats — is from the digital double album (!) EDM X-Mas 2014.
-
Insane Clown Posse – “Santa’s a Fat Bitch”:
This combination of words doesn’t really need much of an explanation. The scandalous Detroit Rap duo went in hard on Christmas’ kingpin (“Santa Claus suck my balls/Drunk as hell ringing bells at the malls”) on the leadoff track from their 1994 EP, A Carnival Christmas.
-
Dread Zeppelin – “Blue Christmas”:
One of the biggest WTF success stories of the AltRock ’90s, Dread Zeppelin was primarily a Reggae Led Zeppelin cover band with a 300-pound Elvis impersonator as lead singer. (Yes, it got old quick.) For this version of the Elvis holiday classic, the group shows some mercy and drops the Zeppelin ingredient (don’t worry, the Reggae and Elvis vocals are still abundant).
-
Mel Blanc – “The Hat I Got for Christmas is Too Beeg”:
This one is troublesome. Beginning in 1936, Blanc was the star voice actor for the Looney Tunes cartoons, voicing Porky Pig and Bugs Bunny, among other characters. Those cartoons were filled with horribly racist portrayals of African Americans, Asians and others. Today they can be viewed as examples of how rampant and blatant racism was/is in our culture, and you can add Blanc’s 1958 Christmas single to that history lesson. As the “beeg” suggests, Blanc sings in an over-exaggerated Mexican accent about Santa’s gift of an oversized sombrero and how it’s hot and so disorienting he “got married to his brother.” Uh, ooookkkaayyyy.
-
Les Paul and Mary Ford – “Jungle Bells (Dingo-Dongo-Day)":
This fun, quirky single from 1953 might not sound like it on first listen, but it’s actually a remarkable example of Les Paul’s hugely influential inventiveness, not just in guitar playing (here he faithfully recreates jungle-animal sounds with his instrument, an art form Adrian Belew would refine about 25 years later), but also in his revolutionary recording techniques. “Jungle Bells” showcases Paul’s multi-track studio innovations, particularly in Ford’s elastic vocal layering.
Listen to the full weird/funny/crappy/cool Christmas playlist HERE if you dare (it features — ridiculously — more than 24 hours' worth of music). For a slightly more manageable playlist, click below.
