Worst Week Ever! Nov. 25-Dec. 1

Cranley emails self-righteous press statement and wishes someone had paused it; meanwhile at the NRA; women earning closer to equal pay, but that's only kind of good; weed investors regret Buddie mascot; research chimps to receive gold watches for catchi

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click to enlarge Mayor John Cranley
Mayor John Cranley

Cranley Emails Self-Righteous

Press Statement About Refugees,

Wishes Someone Had Paused It

Cincinnati Mayor John Cranley does a lot of things that piss people off. But, if you think about it, a lot of things piss Cranley off, so to him it kind of evens out. In the case of Syrian refugee resettlement after the terrorist attacks on Paris, however, Mayor Cranley chose to speak out against welcoming those attempting to flee the maniacs causing chaos in their countries, rather than offering a safe haven for the persecuted (or option three: harnessing the power of Cincinnati’s mayoral office to destroy ISIS himself). Once The Enquirer questioned how his call for a moratorium on Syrian refugee resettlement aligned with previous promises to make Cincinnati “the most immigrant-friendly city in the country,” Cranley backed off the position, telling the newspaper he felt horrible about how it made everyone mad at him. But rather than a full-scale redaction — and after “several calls” to the newspaper to clarify his stance — Cranley ended up standing behind the idea of at least a “pause” on taking in refugees, explaining it thusly: “I never said we wouldn’t have refugees.” When asked what exactly he meant by the part of his press statement that read, “The City of Cincinnati will not be involved in Syrian resettlement,” Cranley said it was meant to throw the terrorists off just like the time Carrie Mathison faked her own death in Homeland.

Meanwhile at the NRA…

Some Americans are so terrified of being attacked by a stranger that they won’t even go to the grocery store without packing heat (“Honey, I’m home — and there was chaos in the cereal aisle again! Good thing I had my Ruger and a granola bar display to take cover behind!”). One might assume such people would be worried enough about potential terrorists inside America procuring guns and killing people that they would support a ban on gun purchases by individuals listed in the federal government’s “suspected terrorist” database. But, turns out, the National Rifle Association has said hell naw to various attempts to enact such a law going back to 2007, using a two-pronged approach to discredit the idea: suggesting the bans are aimed at law-abiding Americans (true American argument) and saying bans don’t stop criminals from illegally acquiring guns anyway (sad-sack defeatist argument). The NRA also believes the legislation was backed by gun-control extremists and that the federal database isn’t nearly as useful as the skin-color-based suspect list the NRA has used for the past half century.

Women Earning Closer to Equal

Pay, but That’s Only Kind of Good

Let’s say that, theoretically, you are a man, and 25 years ago you thought something along the lines of, “It is messed up that women only make 62.7 percent of men’s wages, even if they’re doing the same job — I hope that changes soon.” (Feels good, right? You sound like a good person.) Fast forward to today and imagine if people like you had anything to do with the fact that women now make 82.9 percent of men’s wages. (Good job!) Now check your pretend savings account, because it’s a whole lot lighter than it would be if globalization and the decline of unions didn’t stunt your own earning capacity — and that of women — while the slow train toward equality rolled on. According to the Economic Policy Institute, almost half the gains women have made in the workplace relative to men’s wages during the past 25 years are based on men’s wages falling and a rise in overall inequality. Such findings are inspiring new legislation called the Raise the Wage Act, introduced in April by Washington Sen. Patty Murray, which outlines ways to boost wages for all rather than continuing to wait for the current trend to even the genders out somewhere around the rate men were earning during the early 20th century when women couldn’t even vote.

Weed Investors Regret Freaking Everyone Out with Buddie Mascot

People make a lot of jokes about stoners, assuming they are lazy, T-shirt-wearing slobs who live in their parents’ basements listening to Rage Against the Machine and decrying government oversight of their online gaming. But weed smokers are more complicated than this, often quite intelligent and highly verbal, which is part of the reason a group of investors failed to pass a statewide marijuana legalization effort in Ohio this year — stoners and regular folk alike largely took exception to the campaign being labeled a “monopoly.” (Stoners hate monopolies because they lead to oppressive industries like big energy and the National Football League.) Another move that hurt ResponsibleOhio’s campaign, according to ResponsibleOhio Executive Director Ian James, was the introduction of a marijuana plant superhero mascot named “Buddie,” which creeped out even the least paranoid stoners among its core audience. James says the organization will attempt to put a new version of marijuana legalization on the ballot next year, promising not to utilize any dumbass mascots and hopefully getting Willie Nelson to replace Nick Lachey as an investor because he’s probably actually been on a farm before.

Research Chimps to Receive Gold Watches for Catching Hell All Those Years

There are few things that humans enjoy more than seeing a monkey doing something funny — they look so much like us but don’t understand mortality so they just play around all the time. Whether it’s throwing a couple pieces of poo, knocking a drone out of the sky with a stick or riding a dog in a football halftime show (PETA says it’s OK to let monkeys ride border collies as long as the dogs get to live indoors and fart in their owners’ faces with impunity), monkeys are pretty much the best. That’s why it was great news last week when the National Institutes of Health announced that it no longer needs to keep 50 test chimps in case of a public health emergency. The remaining primates, which scientists at NHI say have definitely seen some fucked up shit over the years, will soon be moved to a federal sanctuary called Chimp Haven, where they will join 300 other government-owned chimpanzees who are only mildly scarred from the experience and hopeful to contribute meaningfully to sanctuary society once the effects of monkey PTSD wear off a little.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]


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